The price of being a working mother...

When I joined the MBBS course in 1987 ( Is that not a once upon a time kind of statement?!), I never realised what I was letting myself in for!

At that time, it was a dream come true. My parents had worked very hard to give us all they could and then some more. What I remember of my childhood is single-minded dedication of my mother to sit with us EVERY day and make sure our work for the day was done. They had had their own share of hardships. This was not clearly communicated to us children but was not hidden either. My father would work 18 to 20 hours a day just so we would be able to afford the books and the food- in that order. My mother had no friends to distract her from the job she had taken upon herself- rearing her children. Each waking moment of the day she was doing something for us- waking us up for school, getting us ready in time to catch the bus, preparing our tiffins ( I do not remember a single day in my school life that I ate cafeteria food from the school canteen!). I wonder what she did while we were at school. I think she would have been completing the tasks that would otherwise take her away from the children's presence- laundry, bathing dishes etc.

At that time, we used to, quite innocently feel that we were the ones who were really busy! What was it that the grown ups used to complain so much about? They simply had to get up- and go to sleep. What happened during the day in between never occured to us as something that needed to be actively done! It was like breathing and walking- part involuntary and part vountary! It simply happened! Look at us, though. The children ahve to wake up at an inhuman hour ( they donot realise the parent who wakes up even earlier for this simple task to be completed!) and then get ready to rush to school ( who lays down all the small pieces in the puzzle so perfectly that the effort is not even visible each morn?!). As if that is not enough, now the children have to study... what do the adults do? Some are like their teachers- they teach. Some others are free... FREE... to do nothing! Nothing, however, when dissected means a lot of bills to be paid, teh ration to be stocked, the daily supplies to be replenished, the household chores to be completed, the kitchen to be run, the cooking to be completed, the laundry to be done, the ironing to be perfect, the house to be clean, and .... blah blah....

It is only when we grow up that we realise just how much work doing nothing really is!! Add to this the occassional need for the maintenance of the place we all take for granted- home! And ofcourse, if you are a professionsl, that is added chores. This does not take away from the rest of the things you would do! You do not, for instance, not look after the bills or the kitchen- these things do not take care of themselves.

The needs of the work place take on a new meaning when they are given to a mother. If she does everything well- she must have ignored her family. If she does not, she is ignoring her work. Either way, it is teh working woman who ends up losing. Little do all those around us realise just how much energy and effort goes into maintaining the balance between the two fronts so that both feel well looked after. Psychologists talk about Win- Win and force the women into a lose- lose.

When a working mother goes to school for her children's PT Meeting ( parent- Teacher interaction), the first refrain from the teacher is a very sympathetic, " Oh! Being a working mother, may be yoou are not able to devote full time to your children" It is often said as a question but meant as a underhand attack. Little do these teachers realise at the time they say it that they, too, are working mothers! Who looks after their children? And how?

All said and done, the balance really has to tilt in the favour of the children. I have observed- quite closely, and come to the conclusion, that children are resilient. They adapt. If the parents are always around, they are largely dependent or rebelliously independent. On the other hand, those whose parents are working, end up being largely independent or rebelliouosly dependent!

My children are quite independent. And immensely attached to me. I am part of all their adventures as well as activities. I play hopscotch with them as easily as I teach Math or even how to hold the pencil!

In my opinion, a parent who is able to strike the right balance to be able to give a child opportunity to fully bloom as well as provide the water and the manure when these are needed for these tender plants is the parent who can call himself or herself successful.

Children need parenting. More than that the adults need childrening!! It is good for our mental health to have loving nurturing relationships. Let us love and nurture...