I'm 10... going on 20!

“I wake up everyday at six, have a glass of milk on the run and am off to my destination! I usually do not get a shut eye during the day and finally am ready to sleep off by around eleven at night. My day is packed with back to back things to do. I love living life this way!” This is not a twenty or a thirty year old describing a typical day in their life! This is my daughter. She is ten. She firmly believes,” There are two kinds of people in this world- one who go about their entire life only doing one kind of thing. And the other who fill one life with entire spectrum of things to do.” She pauses dramatically for effect. “I am the second type,” she proudly finishes.

For a ten year old, she knows her mind quite well. She is a classical dancer- Odissi, a classical singer and musician in the Indian classical tradition, a karate Black belt from a Japanese tradition and is learning fast mental mathematics the Chinese way! She does not want to drop any activity- she loves them all! On a typical day she needs to be woken up in the morning to get ready for school. She loves school, too! She always has! Last two years she has been the only student in her class to have been accorded the attendance trophy for hundred percent attendance!

She is a teacher’s pet. She is her mother’s darling and she is a cute little mother herself to her three year old brother! Is she deprived of childhood and innocence? Not in the least! She speaks the love languages like all children her age and she speaks them well. She loves to receive little tiny presents that she treasures and she loves a back massage when she is going off to sleep. She loves her brother and dotes on her mother. She depends on her father and maintains “Pa is the fixer who can fix anything!”

I wonder what I did to deserve such an angel for a daughter?! She makes me proud and keeps me happy!

She is not, however, always this good. She irritates me, too! And I am ashamed to say, I fall into the trap of losing my cool and getting angry with her! When I do get angry with her, I do so out of utter helplessness and complete frustration! She would not do a certain subject in school (Hindi) because she does not like it! She knows she does not like it. She knows she does not want to do it. I feel exasperated as a parent that she should, nay must! Is it because I feel put on the spot when her teachers ask me whether I am giving her time? Should she perform for herself? Or for me?

An American pediatrician has even written a book “Allow your children to fail if you want them to succeed” We are bringing up a generation that achieves phenomenal success early in life, gets heady on their laurels and has not tasted defeat and agony of failure. They crumble when confronted with blood in their mouth. They cannot accept anything but the best! Or so this expert would have us believe. My daughter has won enough Gold medals in her Karate tournaments to know the heady feeling that comes with winning. She has also won occasional silver, a bronze or no medal at all to have experienced the pain of defeat. She is being groomed well by well meaning instructors and she is lucky for that. She still would answer to the question, “Who is your best friend?” with a prompt, “My mother”. She even wrote an essay in her school assignment extolling the virtues and adoration that her mother (moi!) personifies. I am lucky for that!

I am not bringing up my daughter according to manuals that experts write. I am trying my best to be an example for her to follow. I am giving her enough freedom to explore activities she could pursue as a hobby to rejuvenate later in life and yet, exerting enough control or influence to draw the line where I need to. That I am well educated and a doctor helps. I command enough respect alongside the love from my children to be heard. Sometimes I may have to scream to be heard… but that’s ok too!

I am bringing my daughter up to be a responsible, empathetic and passionate person. I am doing it by instinct. I have read my share of books to understand today’s children and what the experts think about current parenting philosophies. I have come to the conclusion these books only put in words what parents like me everywhere in the world are already doing in loving and growth oriented families.

Sometimes it is not easy. It takes its emotional and physical toll, both on the parent and the child. In the end, however, if the parent and the child are happy and feel loved- that would be good parenting.

Often, we notice only the negatives. We may not even notice the good things and get quite involved in corrective action. Sad as this preoccupation with remedial action is- it is a habit very easy to break! At the end of each day, especially at the end of a demanding and challenging day, sit down for five minutes. Just five minutes. Think. Write if you want to. Thank god for your child and the unconditional love and acceptance you have there! Would you feel as frustrated with an office mate? Would you scream at a colleague? And if you did, would that person ever talk to you again? Children do.

Maintain a journal. Write one good thing to smile at every day for each child. It could be the good health. It could even be the smile and the hug you got when you came home after work! Could anything else have perked you up quite as effectively? Do you remember the little crumpled flower in small hands and the smile with which your child says, “Happy Mother’s Day” on an ordinary day made extra special?

Parenting is best done by instinct and with love… not by manuals written by proclaimed or self proclaimed experts. It is important not just to love but also to be felt to be loving. Home is a place where if you have nowhere else to go, they have to take you in! And parent is the source of that confidence. Be a proud parent. Be a loving parent.