I hate it when I have to act as if I am having a good time when in fact I would like to just walk. I hate it when I have to say I am OK when in fact I am all broken up inside and trying to make sense of things that refuse to be made sense of. I especially hate it when I have to BE fine and happy, when inside I feel like there could be no one as alone as me!
No I do not love acting. I hate it with all my heart and soul. And I wish I could get away from it all.
I hate the fact that most of our actions have to pass through the filter of OMG! What will XYZ think? I am supposed to be happily married with a lovely family and a wonderful job. I also have lovely friends. And all this should make me happy. So I must look happy!
How can we give so much power to a single person in our life that they can break all our delicate china as if a bull was let lose in the china shop? How can we still love that person and hurt so much that we are ready to even lie to ourselves and tell ourselves it does not matter. Of course it matters! It matters that when I need help I do not get it, and when I ask, it is not available. It matters that I must go through life alone. It matters that I am unable to act calm and let the storm blow over.
I hate to act as if I am having a good time, when I am to. I hate to act as if I know I am loved , when in actual fact, deep inside I yearn to feel it once more.
I hate...
I hate...
I hate...
This blog was written for the NaBloMo October. Any resemblance to characters or events- real or imaginary is purely incidental.
God bless a woman who feels with her heart and lives with her feelings to carry her through the storms and tribulations of a frail and fragile life.
I had a severe chest pain in Landmark- and I was thinking this is the worst diaphragmatic spasm I have ever experienced. I wanted to rub it into relaxation - and it further tightened up making me almost double up in pain.
I thought- what can be the worst case scenario? That I will not be missed? But as Sanjay says- once i am gone- what does it matter anyway?
So yes... I hate to pretend that I matter, that I am happy, that ... when I am not!!
No I do not love acting. I hate it with all my heart and soul. And I wish I could get away from it all.
I hate the fact that most of our actions have to pass through the filter of OMG! What will XYZ think? I am supposed to be happily married with a lovely family and a wonderful job. I also have lovely friends. And all this should make me happy. So I must look happy!
How can we give so much power to a single person in our life that they can break all our delicate china as if a bull was let lose in the china shop? How can we still love that person and hurt so much that we are ready to even lie to ourselves and tell ourselves it does not matter. Of course it matters! It matters that when I need help I do not get it, and when I ask, it is not available. It matters that I must go through life alone. It matters that I am unable to act calm and let the storm blow over.
I hate to act as if I am having a good time, when I am to. I hate to act as if I know I am loved , when in actual fact, deep inside I yearn to feel it once more.
I hate...
I hate...
I hate...
This blog was written for the NaBloMo October. Any resemblance to characters or events- real or imaginary is purely incidental.
God bless a woman who feels with her heart and lives with her feelings to carry her through the storms and tribulations of a frail and fragile life.
I had a severe chest pain in Landmark- and I was thinking this is the worst diaphragmatic spasm I have ever experienced. I wanted to rub it into relaxation - and it further tightened up making me almost double up in pain.
I thought- what can be the worst case scenario? That I will not be missed? But as Sanjay says- once i am gone- what does it matter anyway?
So yes... I hate to pretend that I matter, that I am happy, that ... when I am not!!
2 comments:
I think most times, acting can be a good way to get out of a funk. but when things get too bad behind the scenes, even putting on that face for a short time can break you. it's exhausting.
Here's to getting some rest for our hearts.
Thanks Aki! So right- it is good to pretend and get going. Things usually work out!
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