All my life, I thought being strong could help me get through life. So I became strong!
All my life I thought, being strong alone would not get me through places that needed me to work really hard. So I started working really hard.
All my life I thought that being strong, and working hard alone would also not get me through areas that needed me to be careful. So I became very careful, too.
And I did not even realise I was being strong, and hardworking, and careful!
I was doing so well in life that there was no reason to examine why and how the life was going so well. If it is not broken, don't try to fix it!
But being strong meant that I could handle whatever was handed out to me- I needed not to be cared for or loved or cherished. That was a lonely place to be. Often I felt -and still do- that I need a shoulder to lean on. Rest. And even even cry- if I feel the need to. Sometimes for no reason at all- I want safety, and love. However, because I was so strong that I needed none of these tender caring moments- I never got them! Infact, there have been times when my husband has turned around and said- You will handle it. You are strong. THEY ( whoever that may be!) need help. They cannot manage on their own. And it felt sooooo unfair. Being shown the mirror was so liberating that I could breathe again! I realised that I could be strong and could be weak- as I was. Not because I had to be. If I was hurting- it was ok to say so. If I needed to be cared for- it was fine to ask for that, too. And it was ok to be weak, too. If that was how I felt in any situation- I need not work hard to BE strong. I need not pretend.
And I did not even KNOW I was pretending!
But moments of weakness call upon us to cultivate strengths that go beyond being strong! They required me to be HARD WORKING. They needed me to be resilient. I would not go beyond my own strength and work. Like no one had done before. That was ok. Infact, I developed a very keen sense of how I got anything at all that I got. I got anything only with hard work. Once in a conference, I was practically forced to participate in a lucky dip! And as I drew out the 'prize' , I knew deep inside it would not work. And it did not! It was a torch that never lit up! Not with a fresh pair of cells, not with any other means. I smiled and said aloud to myself- "I told you so!" Whatever I have- I have worked hard to earn. WHile for many things in life it may have been the only way to get my due- I was so ignorant of so many gifts thrown practically into my lap that I could not even that the Lord above!
And I thought I was grateful to God for what he had given me! In the same breath I was proud of having earned every little bit of it!!
But the final straw was realising that even when I was always so strong, and hardworking, even when I was so correct and so caring, I could be misunderstood. And in that moment of being misunderstood what stood out for me was not the fact that I could hurt- I was strong, after all to handle that hurt! What stood out for me in that moment of being misunderstood was the fact that someone ELSE would be hurt by their presumptions about me!! I could not bear the fact of being the cause of hurt feelings with anyone who interacted with me.
I knew how it felt to be hurt. By God! I knew how it felt to be hurt!
So I was extra careful not to hurt any one. Then being extra careful just became a part of my nature. Speak less- you could be labeled something you are not. Try to defend somebody who cannot stand up for himself. But when you do- you earn another epithet! So measure every step you take and every word you speak. Not only can anything you say or do be used against you in the course of life- it can also hurt feelings and emotions of those who matter to you. And gradually that circle of hurt feelings expanded. And anybody I came in contact with became important enough for me to not hurt in any manner whatsoever. At the same time I felt so unjustly treated by everyone! I was so good to everybody! Why were people not treating me as nicely!!??
Being strong conveyed even to those who were my flesh and blood that I could take care of myself- that I need not be cared for!
Being hard working conveyed to everybody that I would do everything in my power and then some to complete anything expected of me. And I would set out to do EVERYTHING myself! Even somebody else's work!
Being careful- especially to not hurt anyone's feelings- I was responsible for EVERYONE'S happiness. And no one was responsible for mine!
I was so alone!
And despite knowing in my head that I was loved, I was so not feeling the love!
Today- as I stand in a new space, under a new light, I realize that all this was of my own making. Unconsciously. But my own doing. Whatever I got- or failed to get in life was because I decided to be a certain kind of a person. And that I can be different.
I can be strong- and I can be weak.
I can be hard-working. And I can let it go. Just relax and rest. I, too need that!
I can be careful- and I can be totally carefree, and vulnerable- completely in the moment- float like a bird. I am not responsible for everyone's happiness. They are!
That knowledge of how I was limiting my own life has been the most liberating experience I have had - ever! And it feels just right. Just light. Just now.
It means I can have a more aware life. A fuller living. And That I am free to BE. A Human Being.
And not only is this feeling so liberating- it is also very empowering. It is extremely expanding!
A new kind of living is available for ANYone that chooses to be aware of their own life- their own self.
Thanks Landmark. Thanks Sumit.
All my life I thought, being strong alone would not get me through places that needed me to work really hard. So I started working really hard.
All my life I thought that being strong, and working hard alone would also not get me through areas that needed me to be careful. So I became very careful, too.
And I did not even realise I was being strong, and hardworking, and careful!
I was doing so well in life that there was no reason to examine why and how the life was going so well. If it is not broken, don't try to fix it!
But being strong meant that I could handle whatever was handed out to me- I needed not to be cared for or loved or cherished. That was a lonely place to be. Often I felt -and still do- that I need a shoulder to lean on. Rest. And even even cry- if I feel the need to. Sometimes for no reason at all- I want safety, and love. However, because I was so strong that I needed none of these tender caring moments- I never got them! Infact, there have been times when my husband has turned around and said- You will handle it. You are strong. THEY ( whoever that may be!) need help. They cannot manage on their own. And it felt sooooo unfair. Being shown the mirror was so liberating that I could breathe again! I realised that I could be strong and could be weak- as I was. Not because I had to be. If I was hurting- it was ok to say so. If I needed to be cared for- it was fine to ask for that, too. And it was ok to be weak, too. If that was how I felt in any situation- I need not work hard to BE strong. I need not pretend.
And I did not even KNOW I was pretending!
But moments of weakness call upon us to cultivate strengths that go beyond being strong! They required me to be HARD WORKING. They needed me to be resilient. I would not go beyond my own strength and work. Like no one had done before. That was ok. Infact, I developed a very keen sense of how I got anything at all that I got. I got anything only with hard work. Once in a conference, I was practically forced to participate in a lucky dip! And as I drew out the 'prize' , I knew deep inside it would not work. And it did not! It was a torch that never lit up! Not with a fresh pair of cells, not with any other means. I smiled and said aloud to myself- "I told you so!" Whatever I have- I have worked hard to earn. WHile for many things in life it may have been the only way to get my due- I was so ignorant of so many gifts thrown practically into my lap that I could not even that the Lord above!
And I thought I was grateful to God for what he had given me! In the same breath I was proud of having earned every little bit of it!!
But the final straw was realising that even when I was always so strong, and hardworking, even when I was so correct and so caring, I could be misunderstood. And in that moment of being misunderstood what stood out for me was not the fact that I could hurt- I was strong, after all to handle that hurt! What stood out for me in that moment of being misunderstood was the fact that someone ELSE would be hurt by their presumptions about me!! I could not bear the fact of being the cause of hurt feelings with anyone who interacted with me.
I knew how it felt to be hurt. By God! I knew how it felt to be hurt!
So I was extra careful not to hurt any one. Then being extra careful just became a part of my nature. Speak less- you could be labeled something you are not. Try to defend somebody who cannot stand up for himself. But when you do- you earn another epithet! So measure every step you take and every word you speak. Not only can anything you say or do be used against you in the course of life- it can also hurt feelings and emotions of those who matter to you. And gradually that circle of hurt feelings expanded. And anybody I came in contact with became important enough for me to not hurt in any manner whatsoever. At the same time I felt so unjustly treated by everyone! I was so good to everybody! Why were people not treating me as nicely!!??
Being strong conveyed even to those who were my flesh and blood that I could take care of myself- that I need not be cared for!
Being hard working conveyed to everybody that I would do everything in my power and then some to complete anything expected of me. And I would set out to do EVERYTHING myself! Even somebody else's work!
Being careful- especially to not hurt anyone's feelings- I was responsible for EVERYONE'S happiness. And no one was responsible for mine!
I was so alone!
And despite knowing in my head that I was loved, I was so not feeling the love!
Today- as I stand in a new space, under a new light, I realize that all this was of my own making. Unconsciously. But my own doing. Whatever I got- or failed to get in life was because I decided to be a certain kind of a person. And that I can be different.
I can be strong- and I can be weak.
I can be hard-working. And I can let it go. Just relax and rest. I, too need that!
I can be careful- and I can be totally carefree, and vulnerable- completely in the moment- float like a bird. I am not responsible for everyone's happiness. They are!
That knowledge of how I was limiting my own life has been the most liberating experience I have had - ever! And it feels just right. Just light. Just now.
It means I can have a more aware life. A fuller living. And That I am free to BE. A Human Being.
And not only is this feeling so liberating- it is also very empowering. It is extremely expanding!
A new kind of living is available for ANYone that chooses to be aware of their own life- their own self.
Thanks Landmark. Thanks Sumit.
No comments:
Post a Comment