Reading this book was in itself an experience.
This was one book that even I had to read making my own 'notes' to keepa track of all that teh author had to say! And that is saying a lot, I think!
And then, reading on, suddenly I saw my own hand blown out of proportion... The lines I was reading suddenly jumped out of teh page and right into my mind. The clarity was mind blowing. And beauty of the moment was breath taking. It was precisely this kind of experience that the 12th Insight said humans could have when they were on a path of self discovery and discovery of a higher purpose.
There was definitely a moment where everything fused into me and I became a part of everything around me. But I was not having a any great revelations about any higher purpose. Infact, I was feeling a desperate need to hold on to just this kind of moment because it could make my moments more breathtaking- more bearable than the mess I found myself in.
Yes... It is possible to find rapture.
Yes... It is possible to find beauty.
Yes... It is possible to find allignment.
Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!
Still trying to catch a Zen moment!
Following up on Project Zen
I had a dream. A ery uneasy dream. I also knew in the dream that I was dreaming. I was searching- looking- and unable to find... Sanjay.
Knowing this was a dream, I wanted to wake myself up and be done with it. And I was also afraid that it was already morning- so I did not want to wake up lest the 'morning dream' become a nightmarish reality.
I love Sanjay.
I was extremely uneasy not being able to find Sanjay anywhere in my dream. I looked high and low. I looked everywhere. I looked at home, and outside. I looked at work and in the market place. I could not find him. And I have never felt this sad, and lost for the want of another human being.
Waking up, finally to the call of the morning by Sanjay himself was comfototing. It was reassuring to find him so naturally present HERE. NOW.
So many years have passed since we got to know each other that we sometimes lose count. Cliched as it sounds- We do forget the dates and years- sometimes. What stays ever fresh is the feeling. It is as if the years are not important- moments are.
I love. Words that are profound, yet mundane. This smile- this feeling- this love- it is great to be loved and to love.
It is reassuring to have ONE person who loves you - irrespective.
It is more than a Zen blessing to have a man love you this much and to feel as much love for him.
I love Sanjay! Froggy and all!! With glasses and without. In good moods and bad ( well...) And in each little moment that I can I d not tire of telling him how much he means to me... It is really unimportant how he feels simply because I know he feels the same way.
Love is a warmth that can outlast the coldest night. It is that safety net that catches you no matter how high you fell from. It is that feeling you have when on the road, you realise someone is waiting at home. Home is so because love stays there.
My love. Your love. Our love.
Zen moment of the day
The sky was speaking a language... The language of beauty and of hope. The silver tint of the clouds of doubt!!
And golden, too!
And the rays radiated out in a shower of light that made the sky dramatic and breathtaking.
The dirt road was there- and not there.
The Light poles were there with the wires and they ere also not there!!
The sky overpowered every other element in the scene. The sky was high and dark and broight and greya nd colourful, it was serious and dramatic, it was every little emotion rolled into a big one.
And the clouds just got better and better with each minute.
This sky tells us unambiguously that 'it' is all there. Always.
The pole reaches for the clouds. And punctuates them. It is possible to rise over all the dirt that you may encounter in life. And even if all you see is grey, you will find a riot of colour- soon enough. Hidden.
My Zen moment of the day-6
And the day was done. I had not had many patients in the headache clinic. I did a lot of reading and encountered a lot of mind-blowing stuff but nothing that took me to the edge. I took a few moments of solitude and thought. It still eluded me.
I had just finished cooking the dinner. And the kitchen looked awe-inspiring. The everyday mundane stuff that I had been taking for granted. Ergonomics at their practical best. I really love my kitchen. I even took a picture- I would surely not be able to find another moment in the day.
But the surprise came from the most unlikely source!! Sanjay wanted my phone- and when I asked him why- he smiled. It was the same smile that took my heart away so many years ago that it seems another era!
He said he wanted to play games! This was unprecedented! Sanjay- and games?! I-phone has accomplished what nothing else has been able to do till date. The fun and the lessons of 'games' are lost on this man. I sometimes do wish he would loosen up and have a laugh. He does have a great sense of humor but one that does not make him laugh- he has those dead pan ones that can tickle the most serious of the specimens of humanity. But Sanjay rarely laughs.
He took my phone and dialled his own number. And the screen lit up! It was one of the most beautiful images of mine that I have seen in the recent past. Saniya had taken that picture with his phone. And it was a great moment- head tilted just a bit to the sky- the smile like a sunrise-daring the world to go dark and the pen in one hand that gives the picture a punctuation mark! It was a game that this man played- and he won me over- once more.
Sanjay is truly a blessing.
I love this man. More than I can say. Much more than he can ever imagine... but the zen moment brought alive the feeling of being loved and being in love once more.
My Zen moment of the day-5
When we got into the car to go to school in the morning, two boxes of Nescafe Vanilla coffee were invitingly placed on the dashboard. They were attractive, bright- and- COFFEE!!!
But the Zen moment was not just finding them invitingly placed there- it was having Moksh look at them with total and utter fascination and adoration. He was even slurping as if he could really taste the coffee!
A child's imagination can make any moment touch eternity. A child's imagination can bring alive the world in the immediate and make everything else irrelevant.
It was suddenly unimportant that we could get late because Saniya was not yet ready. It was suddenly irrelevant that we had to wait for Saniya to come out.
We could simply... enjoy... our coffee! Without even having the cup in our hand.
When I grow old, I would love for my children to keep this feeling and this imagination alive. I would love for them to feel that good decoration could be having book shelves, or cycles, or music, or pictures - or whatever else it is that lights up their inner fires. And THAT can be totally different from the world's view of what is the way a sitting room should look- but it is their own personality that they live- comfortably, happily.
And yes, Moksh may really be able to carry this moment into his future and be able to live it once again with his own children- not waiting or wanting to hold the cup to be able to feel the coffee in his system...
God bless our children. they make us realise that life has more to it than everyday living, and the most profound moments are hidden in the most mundane. We only need to be alive and open enough to experience them.
My Zen moment of the day- 4
Today was a tough one... Nothing that particularly took my breath away, nothing that made me transcend the present- till... I got into the car and put on the stereo! It was a very personal and a personalised musical experience.
It was as if Shania was speaking for me, singing what I would have sung, feeling what I was feeling!
When you are THAT low- there's only one up from here!!
So here's to the Zen moment of today- Shania Twain's Up! An amazing song- wonderful music, and beautiful lyrics...
UP!
It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way
Yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily
Even my skin is acting weird
I wish that I could grow a beard
Then I could cover up my spots
Not play connect the dots
I just wanna disappear
Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here
Even something as simple as
Forgettin' to fill up on gas
There ain't no explanation why
Things like that can make you cry
Just gotta learn to have a laugh
Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...
When everything is goin' wrong
Don't worry, it won't last for long
Yeah, it's all gonna come around
Don't go let it get you down
You gotta keep on holding on
It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way
Yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily
Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...
My Zen moment of the day-3 ii
I lose myself and feel some presence take over. I admire the surgical field as if a spectator. Somewhere I am the one wielding the knife and the one carrying out the motions but it is something bigger and finer that takes over. I m grateful for that presence in my life. It allows me to experience the divine each time I operate. It makes me experience the moment powerfully each time I perform a surgery.
Today was no different. What was even more gratifying was the fact that perhaps, the Divine was making the field much cleaner, bloodless and artistic than could be expected clinically.
This Zen moment made me realise the presence of a transcendent reality in each moment that opens a divine experience for each of us if only we open ourselves to feeling it!
My Zen moment of the day-3
For today there are several moments that could make the day momentous. ;-) I will try and stick with two.
The coffee came with a breath-taking aroma. I was sitting facing a transparent glass face obliquely. The background was full of noises about Anna and the outrage of his being put away, somewhat secretly- taken to an unknown location.
The view outside the cafe was also breath-taking- the rain had washed all the dirt and grime from the trees and the roads. Delhi was looking like a clean clean place to be- the politics notwithstanding.
The book I was reading also was enough of a handful and mindful to actually make me force myself to look up and out rather than simply enjoy the wonderful day.
Then I saw the cup- The smile.The smiling heart. I saw this as the sign. Things are about to change. Incidentally the book I am reading is also on Change. Anna is also fighting for a change. The usually grimy and hot Delhi was also changed today.
Lots of change around- and lots to divert attention from the moment... but the cup held me. Transfixed. It was too joyful to let the moment pass.
Sometimes one has to just stop.
And become a spectator rather than the player.
Watch the drama unfold. In wonder and awe at the possibilities, the alternative universes that can open up each fleeting moment.
And sit back and let the flow of NOW take over.
I not only loved the smell of the coffee, I also loved the look of the coffee, and the taste and the warmth of the hot fluid warming my cold vessels. The feel of the cup in my hand reminded me that even the cold can be and will be overcome.
The coffee pleased all my senses.
My Zen moment of the day-2
Wonderful weather and beautiful moments fused into the promise the day held.
Suddenly Neeraj called," Wanna go for a long drive?"
"The weather is wonderful and we'll waste it sitting inside at home", we thought. "What the heck! Cancel the music class. Get ready and GO!"
And we did. The day lived up to the promise. Cool breeze. And great company. A drive along a great highway and soulful music. It could not be better!!!
But all this was not what I would call my ZEN moment of the day! Great as it was- it was nothing equal to the surprise we experienced late in the evening!
My Zen moment of the day was seeing Vinny in my drawing room! Arguably one of my BEST friends- back from the US as a surprise and what a surprise!
He knocked the breath out of me. I could only look and feel his presence and try to pinch myself to believe he could actually be sitting on my sofa and talking to me! And his parents (That is the argument! Who is a better friend- his parents or him!?) sitting alongside gleefully grinning in the astonishment written all over me... That was The Zen moment of my day today. Hugging Vinny- believing the impossible and experiencing the limit of the possibilities in the small universe we call home.
Friends rock. And they are what makes the rock music such a fantastic discharge and recharge- preparing us to be able to face the world again!
So... Thanks to Neeraj, we did something TOTALLY outlandish and unplanned today- and immensely enjoyed it. And we also tasted the icing on the cake seeing Vinny back home- today.
The Zen moment
Walking out of a class that did not happen, with a head full of thoughts that could not be caught and headed for a corner that would not be defined- I had to figure things out for myself.
Not a very great place to be- some would say.
I say- It is a place of new beginnings. It is a place that allows me to leave behind whatever is not working for me- including myself!
What is it that I want from myself today? This s a question that has confused me enough and troubled me enough to make me want to rethink EVERYTHING in my life.
Why do I work? Why do I do the work I do? What makes me happy- truly happy? What would be my deepest regret were I to die today? Would there be anything powerful enough to hold me back to the life I live today?
What am I looking for? What do I want? WHY?
What is love? What is happiness? What is it that everyone is running for and after?
My mind is full of thoughts that are running at break neck speed- and are so hard to catch. It is a wonder that I have simply descended a flight of stairs and so much has already gone through my head!
I come back to the world. To Now.
I notice the black grill that fences the edge of the stairs in a school. Among the lines and breaking the linearity are tiny bead-like globes- two on each bar.
It sets me pondering..."Why did I not notice these earlier?"
And then, I realise why I notice them today is also not because they catch my eye in their own right but the man who is focussing all his attention on them!
He is young, but not too young. He may be in his mid forties. He has a white head band tied in a single knot across his forehead, quite like the Zen masters in folklore. The whiteness sharply contrasts with the dirty workclothes he is wearing. The workclothes are stained with grease and grime- and pigment, some black and some red. Aah! The colours of teh fence!!
He is wearing a pair of black plastic rimmed glasses that impart a definite aura of a great scientist at work. The work he is doing and the clothes he is wearing somehow are so incongruous with the assumed mundane nature of the job of painting a grill.
He holds a fine brush in his right hand and is focussing on one single globe. The brush is held lightly between the fingers and the thumb that expertly move the paint to coat the bead in precise and well marked out outstanding red colour.
The concentration is worthy and reminiscent of a Zen master or of the scientist. The job is that of a painter. He is defining a line that limits and defines the red from the black. The black bar was broken and punctuated by the red dot.
His attention was unwaveringly on teh red dot. It was as if the line from his eye to his shoulder through his arm and the brush fused the grill with the painter. And in a sense they were ONE.
He was a deeper than a Zen master in the moment- and the bandana emphasised the picture, heightened it.
How long has this Zen master been painting fences?! Is each fence a work of art? Does he even realise the power he wields in his hand?
How many of us feel the same feeling during a work day?
WHat are we willing to do to feel that way on an ongoing basis in our life?
Are we willing to come from that place of utter love and sheer force that makes everything else non-existent?
Are we even capable of that single ZEN moment each day- ONE moment that touches eternity and renders everything else unimportant?
I am going to give this a try- for the next thirty daysI am going to look for and try to find ONE Zen moment in my day- and I am going to write about my Zen moment EACH day.
It could be anything and last for a fleeting moment or for an hour- more or less- but I am looking for a moment of bliss and bless. A moment of fulfilment. One moment each day for the next thirty days.
My 30 day challenge.
I know I failed my last thirty day challenge. And I also know that Past is not equal to Future because there is a very important link of the present in between...
Even the longestlife lived on this planet by the turtles who live to a hundred and fifty years or more is but a figment , a fleeting moment or even less in the life of the Universe. What fills our experience and our heads is the feeling that WE define our Universe- which ofcourse, we do, but it is our Universe that transcends infinity and mystery.
I made my SFGTD box!
This mail was a reminder that God will take care of anything that troubles any of His children- but He will do it only in his own good time. This would mean that He would need to know that His child had left something to Him.
The mail further went on to ask everybdy to have a Something For God To Do Box and put those trouble in it that are seemingly insurmountable. And forget them.
That is what I did.
I made a box. Called it my SFGTD box, put my troubles in it and forgot about it! Now I have faith. He will do what is best. He seems to be having His fun right now and hopefully feeling proud of how much His children can bear. He may be conducting a test of nerves and of patience. He knows He will only give as much trouble as we can bear. It will only make us stronger and better.And then, He will send the solution, too.
Hopefully it will be a solution that will make the world a better place. It will be a reminder of how the apple falls right where it is supposed to!
You see, long long ago, when God was giving apples to all of His children, people queued up to receive them. A tiny child heard that God was giving away apples. He also got into the queue. The people moved ever so slowly, took their allotted apple and went their way. There were so many of them that the young child got really exhausted just waiting for the apple to fall in his outstretched hands.
The sun travelled all the way across the skies- and the day was done. The child was very close to giving up but reminded himself that the apple would change everything. That the apple would be the reward of waiting this long.
God was observing. He was looking forward to brushing hands with this boy. He noticed, however, that there was only one apple left for the day... He threw this apple right at the boy. Utterly exhausted, the boy could not catch it- and it fell to the ground. And when it fell, the boy noticed that the apple was overripe and discoloured from the side.
The boy was very surprised... But asked God- What can I do with this apple, O Lord!?
God's reply was simple, " Come back for another one tomorrow, my son!"
So the boy came back the next day. The God gave him another apple. This one also fell out of his hands. And God told him to come again. This went on for a few days.
God kept throwing the apple away, and the boy kept coming back each day- till finally God came across a bright, shiny, red and juicy apple. God picked up the apple, looked it over with a critical eye, and delicately placed the apple on the child's palm.
The boy was overjoyed. But he stopped... And asked... "Why?"
God answered," My son, you were so patient and so good, that you HAD to have the best possible apple. Each time you came along, the apple in m hand had some defect- either it was not ripe enough, or it was over-ripe. Some apples were just not big enough and some were not sweet enough. You deserved something more than even I had at that time.
So... I waited for the right apple to match you. This is THE apple.
So... when you are thinking why God is waiting and not letting you have the apple that HE seems to have given almost everyone else- remember- He is waiting for the BEST to drop into your hands.
He ALWAYS has you in mind. ALWAYS.
the long and lonely road
I have not seen where it leads. I know not even where I stand when I stand today. I have to take a leap of faith and keep walking.
Sometimes it is lonely.
Sometimes I feel tired, too.
And all I can do is hold on- and hold up. And I can hope to find just one person - just one more person who is walking on the same road.
Someone who will make it possible for me to realise that I am not alone. That there are others who feel like I do- who think like I do and live like I do.
And once in a while- a kindred spirit does come along and holds your hand and holds you up- and lets you know that they understand.
They tell you exactly- "I know and I understand!"
And what's more- you can see it in their eyes!
And that makes all the difference...
The reeds that float… Nidhi Dhawan May 10, 2020 · 1 min read The reeds that float on the waves and get carried away are part of the flow tha...
When there are too many patients, one finds oneself quite overwhelmed, and quite unable to put up with the deluge. But today, I realised that I had become so used to being totally occupied with the caring that not caring was more overwhelming.
The day being a Friday in the Ramadan, there were very few patients in the OPD. Or probably it was Anna's arrival at the Ramlila Grounds that took away people.
Whatever it was the fact that there was less to do was actually disheartening. And difficult.
Grappling with the inner conflict I have been looking for ONE great moment each day- simply to shift my focus and my energy. And I was getting beaten at my own game.
Then I got an sms from a teacher- one who is like a tender parent- one who likes to spread warmth and happiness...
And I walked into his presence feeling the whole world bearing down on me.
I walked out feeling stronger and more able to deal with whatever the world may have in store for me. Good cards or bad. I can play that hand. And not only- I can play it- I can win it too.
And the Zen moment struck not in his presence- but when I left from his presence. It struck while I was walking out and became stronger and stronger as I kept walking. It became sharply focused with the driving wheel in my hand.
I HAVE to make the choice to HOLD the steering wheel of my emotions, become the driver of my own car and my life!
And I am good at that.
The sense of recovered control was an immense relief. After many many day and even months, I felt in control- once more.
Sometimes, it takes a moment to flip that switch and a vision that transforms the sky full of clouds into a dramatically beautiful breathtaking vista that colours the world pink and orange and purple and all the wonderful shades of the rainbow.
The clouds are the same. The colours are suddenly more visible.
The person is the same, the personality suddenly more obvious.
To that moment...
Everyday...