All my life...

All my life, I thought being strong could help me get through life. So I became strong!

All my life I thought, being strong alone would not get me through places that needed me to work really hard. So I started working really hard.

All my life I thought that being strong, and working hard alone would also not get me through areas that needed me to be careful. So I became very careful, too.

And I did not even realise I was being strong, and hardworking, and careful! 

I was doing so well in life that there was no reason to examine why and how the life was going so well. If it is not broken, don't try to fix it!

But being strong meant that I could handle whatever was handed out to me- I needed not to be cared for or loved or cherished. That was a lonely place to be. Often I felt -and still do- that I need a shoulder to lean on. Rest. And even even cry- if I feel the need to. Sometimes for no reason at all- I want safety, and love. However, because I was so strong that I needed none of these tender caring moments- I never got them! Infact, there have been times when my husband has turned around and said- You will handle it. You are strong. THEY ( whoever that may be!) need help. They cannot manage on their own. And it felt sooooo unfair. Being shown the mirror was so liberating that I could breathe again! I realised that I could be strong and could be weak- as I was. Not because I had to be. If I was hurting- it was ok to say so. If I needed to be cared for- it was fine to ask for that, too. And it was ok to be weak, too. If that was how I felt in any situation- I need not work hard to BE strong. I need not pretend.

And I did not even KNOW I was pretending!

But moments of weakness call upon us to cultivate strengths that go beyond being strong! They required me to be HARD WORKING. They needed me to be resilient. I would not go beyond my own strength and work. Like no one had done before. That was ok. Infact, I developed a very keen sense of how I got anything at all that I got. I got anything only with hard work. Once in a conference, I was practically forced to participate in a lucky dip! And as I drew out the 'prize' , I knew deep inside it would not work. And it did not! It was a torch that never lit up! Not with a fresh pair of cells, not with any other means. I smiled and said aloud to myself- "I told you so!" Whatever I have- I have worked hard to earn. WHile for many things in life it may have been the only way to get my due- I was so ignorant of so many gifts thrown practically into my lap that I could not even that the Lord above!

And I thought I was grateful to God for what he had given me! In the same breath I was proud of having earned every little bit of it!!

But the final straw was realising that even when I was always so strong, and hardworking, even when I was so correct and so caring, I could be misunderstood. And in that moment of being misunderstood what stood out for me was not the fact that I could hurt- I was strong, after all to handle that hurt! What stood out for me in that moment of being misunderstood was the fact that someone ELSE would be hurt by their presumptions about me!! I could not bear the fact of being the cause of hurt feelings with anyone who interacted with me.

I knew how it felt to be hurt. By God! I knew how it felt to be hurt!

So I was extra careful not to hurt any one. Then being extra careful just became a part of my nature. Speak less- you could be labeled something you are not. Try to defend somebody who cannot stand up for himself. But when you do- you earn another epithet! So measure every step you take and every word you speak. Not only can anything you say or do be used against you in the course of life- it can also hurt feelings and emotions of those who matter to you. And gradually that circle of hurt feelings expanded. And anybody I came in contact with became important enough for me to not hurt in any manner whatsoever. At the same time I felt so unjustly treated by everyone! I was so good to everybody! Why were people not treating me as nicely!!??

Being strong conveyed even to those who were my flesh and blood that I could take care of myself- that I need not be cared for!

Being hard working conveyed to everybody that I would do everything in my power and then some to complete anything expected of me. And I would set out to do EVERYTHING myself! Even somebody else's work!

Being careful- especially to not hurt anyone's feelings- I was responsible for EVERYONE'S happiness. And no one was responsible for mine!

I was so alone! 

And despite knowing in my head that I was loved, I was so not feeling the love!

Today- as I stand in a new space, under a new light, I realize that all this was of my own making. Unconsciously. But my own doing. Whatever I got- or failed to get in life was because I decided to be a certain kind of a person. And that I can be different.

I can be strong- and I can be weak.

I can be hard-working. And I can let it go. Just relax and rest. I, too need that!

I can be careful- and I can be totally carefree, and vulnerable- completely in the moment- float like a bird. I am not responsible for everyone's happiness. They are!

That knowledge of how I was limiting my own life has been the most liberating experience I have had - ever! And it feels just right. Just light. Just now.

It means I can have a more aware life. A fuller living. And That I am free to BE. A Human Being.

And not only is this feeling so liberating- it is also very empowering. It is extremely expanding!

A new kind of living is available for ANYone that chooses to be aware of their own life- their own self.

Thanks Landmark. Thanks Sumit.

The road...

The road..., originally uploaded by naturewalker.

The road is long and winding.
And I must walk alone.
I see not a soul to share my journey- it must be my own.

And be grateful for the little shade that I manage to get from the trees by the roadside. I may even find a few tiny drops of water dripping down a leaf or a branch reminding me that a Higher Power watches over my lonely journey and cares that I am looked after.

I must place my trust in the road. And in who made that road possible. Walking on this road has to be my choice- one for which I may not blame any one else, any time else. The loneliness- as well the company I find will be of my own making.

I may choose to stop. Or go on. Or go on to a different path. The journey will never end... It will always go on... And it will require a leap of faith at times to keep on walking. Knowing not what lies beyond the bend. Knowing only that a bend in the road does not mean end of the road.

there will be some paths that will be harder- and that may be the reason why we chose them.

So... walk on... And celebrate that you can.

And find along the way some friends who will walk a short distance with us- rekindling a love, reigniting a desire, and then will go their own way. People may come into our lives for a reason, or a season- but they will live their own lives while we live our own. And the overlap will be the time we may remember. The moments we share will be the memories that we may look back on in nostalgia and suddenly find our own world populated by these very people we did not even notice.

Memories have a way of doing that!

Walking down a path and walking down the memory lane can be both challenging and exhilarating. We choose the emotion we must live with. We have the choice what we will make the theme of our life. And then.. we must be faithful to all that lives in our lives and our memories.

Stop- if you must- and rest a while. Because life will not stop even if you do!

And we never really understand that! We do not take a moment to be grateful to whoever sits up there making us go through life and let Him know we notice. That we care!

The earth is cracking up...

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

It is time to weep for the Earth. Not just for this fabulous planet but also for ourselves.

It is time to open our eyes and see the cracks that are so obvious! It is time to open our eyes and let them weep- may be that is what will bring the water that this mother needs to become the Blue Dot - once again.

The brown is stark. And it is frighteningly alone and final. But Nature finds a way to let the life go on. She finds that little bit of moisture which will support a twig of grass and that twig holds on to life and to life force. It generates a dash of green in the brown. It generates life amid lack. It reigns victorious because Life is inevitable.

And as if by design- more twigs come up... and bring more and more life to a barren landscape. The barren no longer looks hopelessly forlorn- the barren looks up at the sky with hope. It begs for the first few drops of water- the tears from your eyes and mine- and then- it plays.
The barren gives up being so.
The barren gives in to being not so.
And life triumphs yet again.

One drop of water.
One twig of grass.
One molecule of life.
One moment in eternity...

The wall

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

This is for Kavitha...

Kavitha is a woman I recently met- and immensely loved... at first interaction. Committed, serious, passionate- and somewhat experienced in the field of human failings!

She says in a recent FB post that she hit a wall... And my reply to her- actually even to my own self! started so-


The quality of your life is really determined by the size of your problems! Taller the wall- the more you will have in you to be able to climb over. Climb over- friend- the world is bright and sunny behind the wall. The wall may caste a shadow but that is not the whole world! Not even a part of it really. Breathe... heave..

And then I realised I wanted more space. I wanted to say more. I needed to say it to myself. I needed to tell myself that walls are meant to be climbed.

There may not always be a flight of stairs right alongside- conveniently and invitingly beseechingly- even- demanding to be scaled.

But Kavitha should know about that one!

She is an Ultra Runner!

And she is an Ultra liver!!

Really. I could fill volumes on what she has seen in life, and gone through. But it is not about that, is it?

It never is!

We live our lives in a world of our own making. We attach meanings to moments and to words. We feel sad quickly and take eons to 'find' reasons to be happy. And then... the happiness is short-lived!

We forget!
We forget to celebrate life!
We forget to tell the people in our lives they matter.
We forget to tell OURSELVES that we matter.
And we wonder!
We wonder what happened to the magic we believed life would be when we were small children.

I did!
I ALWAYS believed my life would be MAGICAL. It would be full of significance and of love. It would matter to each person I touched that I had touched their life. I would give freely. And...
... I became a doctor.

The most wonderful thing about being a doctor is you do not have to look for significance in your life. You live it EACH day!

And then...
We forget!!

We forget that we are living a rich life full of giving and receiving, full of love and emotion, full of people to whom we matter and who matter to us.

WE HIT THE WALL...

I HIT THE WALL...

I hit a wall in my fitness goals.
I hit a wall in my career path.
I hit a wall in my running.
I hit a wall in my...

STOP!!
We all say best what we need to hear most! The lessons of life will be repeated for us till we learn what we must from them! THAT is the design of life.

I started to say it in response to what a dear friend of a couple of meetings began. And I ended up finding in myself the wall and the stairs. I ended up discovering a spirit and a strength to go on...
To breathe...
And heave...
And keep on going...
On... And On...

The Time Keeper...

We are always measuring everything we do or fail to do by the time we are in the experience. Never is our existence pure and unadulterated experience of simply BEING...

When did we transform from human BEiNGS to Human DOINGS?! It seems odd that the first casualty in the process of living by the clock is our own life. We lose the richness of our life to poverty of moments in it. We forget the whole and divide ourselves into a million, zillion- infinite moments of a life we never did live.

We forget the smile that brought us together.
We forget that first moment that we hold our first born.
We forget the first kiss, the first grip of tiny fingers holding our finger tight- hanging on for dear life.
We forget the first hug, the tiny feet that pattered through our life and our hearts and grew into big ones.
We forget all of that.
And remember the time when our children must begin their own flight.
And remember that we must go on and on... and on...

Because time never stops for anyone!
But- what really IS time?
Is it the rising of the sun and the setting of the moon? Or is it the heart beat and the breath?
Is it the closeness, or the distance?

Is it the rate of living a life or the rate of approaching the inevitable end of one?

And WHY must Time define what and how we spend our days, hours and seconds? Why not 'take out some time' and hold it in the palm of our hand before it slips away into eternity!? Why not let each moment MATTER- not just count but really matter!

We must learn to live and to love. To hold and to be held. To find and be found.
And go on loving and living in the process in a manner that befits a divine being.

And let us really let go of the anger we feel over little and the not so little incidents in life. Do we ot suffer more from the ager itself that from the cause of the anger? Everything has a grand design- even when we are not aware of it- life has a way of unfolding itself. Life will not wait.

Never hesitate to tell a loved one you love them- you may not have another moment!
Never wait to make a difference- THAT may be what you came here for!

Life is precious. PERIOD. The moments do make it rich- but the wealth is not in the moment but in the mind of the person living that moment.

To a rich, fulfilling life...