Rebirth !

Rebirth....

Life was great. It had always been. I had been doing everything at the right time - finished high school with honours, got into professional college - the best in the region in the first attempt, finished medical school with honours, got into apprenticeship, had my first baby, finished my apprenticeship, got into a great job- and have been there ever since. Oh! And a wonderful intermission - my second child blessed me in this time, too. Life was truly great.

I was, am, good at my work; passionate about my surgical work and skills. I have had the occasion to keep doing good things- like I like to- quietly. On my own terms and with a a lot of love coming my way from both the patients and the hospital staff. I could not ask for more.

Each day I would wake up and thank the Lord for a blessed life- a man who loves me, children who adore me, patients who love me in their own way, people who practically worship the ground I walk on. I also thanked Him for the little patches of clouds He managed to blow into this otherwise bright and sunny life-scape of mine.

We had a major burglary in which our home was completely and ruthlessly ransacked. We lost everything that could be counted and lots more that could not be evaluated. This was the peak of our otherwise fabulous life. Coming back from a conference abroad, with our young children, we found the locks broken and the entire household smashed or on the floor. The clothes that they could not carry away were stained with mango pulp and some other unmentionables. The little idols that had adorned one of our cabinets had been thrown on the floor in complete irreverence to the divine.

We felt violated, and it was not a good feeling.

It took me ten days to just separate our left-overs into those that needed to be dry cleaned, or washed, or salvaged in some way and those that needed to be thrown away.

Till then, we used to, with some pride talk of our respective gold medals. Both Sanjay and I had earned the Gold medals in our specialisations. We were, we thought, rightfully proud of this achievement. We had never been able to earn unfathomable amounts of money. We lived a good but not outlandish life. We had enough and did not want too much more. So these medals seemed to be our 'material possessions' of pride. The thieves did not leave even those little medallions back.

We literally lost everything that we had. And we realised how little it all really meant to us.

We started rebuilding our life once again. With a lot of love and frugality. We kept our children close to our heart and body. We put two beds in one ro gave them the security of always having us around. It took some doing - gradually life came back to normalcy.

I remember all those people who stood by me at that time. Friends who we slept with and who kept the children safe while we cleared all the mess, the hospital and organisation who allowed me extraordinary leave just so that I could come back to work! Everybody was rock solid with me. And my parents who stood by me, who helped me rebuild everything- a physical safe net called home from that ransacked house to the spiritual reality of a family that always is in God's hands- through the most difficult to the easiest of the breezy times it can face.

I learnt my lessons:

1.Love, in all it's shapes is what drives the world. Love we share with our parents and with our children, love that we share with the people we work with and our friends, love that we give out and that we receive- this is the love that keeps us warm on cold winter nights. It can sustain the longest blackout, it can be our life-line when all that we see is bleak, dark, bare, cold winter.

2.Money is important- but only so much. We need enough to eat and put basics in place. No more. It can lull us into believing that safety has a price and that the 'bigger' we get, the bugger the price. And that we must always have THAT much... And that THAT keeps rising with our needs ever expanding. We do not need things to love and be loved. And though we do need to take care of the food, shelter, clothing, education... We must live simply.
3.Everything is momentary- a mere bubble in the firmament of life. Everything. Except the relationships we build and nurture. We are born into a family. That is a given- though there are many who may not be able to find their bliss in this plan of the Gods above to teach us our required life lessons. In the end- it is family that must get into the boat or swim together. And we will do anything, we must do everything to keep The Family together. God put us together for a purpose. Till we are alive, we still have work to do. Together.
4.Friends are brought into our lives because the family can have only so many people and no more! God brings our friends to expand the circle of love around us. He brings all the people who can and will do anything to keep us afloat. Through thick and thin, through rain and storm, through sunshine or deep, dark clouds. These are our extended family- people whose souls feed ours and whose hearts beat for us.
5.Things... Are just that- things. We need not clutter our life to give a meaning to it! And the less clutter and belongings we have the more open spaces around us can soak in the energy of the universe- and the more we can soak in the same energy. We run the risk of getting lost. The forest of things can catch fire any time. And eventually it does. Then, all that you are left with is what you made of your life in terms of the values you lived by and passed on to your children, that you made the yard stick to measure your life with. The only 'thing' that you can lay any claim to at the end of your life is the legacy you leave behind. Something that makes the world a better place for those who follow.

And most of all- this episode taught me that the only life worth living is a life lived with total commitment, passion and dedication.

A life that speaks its own language and tells its own story and builds en epic.

It is a life that really builds a better world- filled with more love, less things and plenty of relationships that build a web that can and often does, hold the entire world. It may do so tenuously but the strings are strong, resilient and form connections. These connections convey the littlest emotions and feelings from one point in space time to any other- anywhere, everywhere.

The monarch effect... Where the flapping wings of a small butterfly in an African forest can trigger a thunderstorm in the Pacific ocean.

The only life worth living is a life that an spark creativity, that can allow people, to be what they can be.

The only life worth living is the one that creates emotion, and tears...

That allows us to smile and cry, and make others do the same around us... Live as if the spark is always alive. Live as if it is a veritable fire.

Live as if everyone is great- and if they do not know it, it is your responsibility to make them aware.

Live fully.
Love freely.
Breathe deeply.
And go on to build a universe that lasts.

Moments...

In life there are moments that we find ourselves looking at the present and wondering whatever di we do to deserve this! THIS!?

There would be many- nearly a hundred percent who would agree with that statement. They would, however, not be in agreement regarding its meaning. They woudl not agree with each other, either!

There would be those who would be grateful for great health and those who are battling disabling disease. There are those who could not ask for more and those who could not be able to comprehend why so little!There would be those who would be proud of their progeny and those who are ashamed... And there would be still others who are still seeking a child to hold and to love. They are the ones who would tell both of teh above that they should consider themselves fortunate to be blessed to be parents. Perspective defines our experience and emotion binds it to our body. The Soul can do better... but is living that experience and trying to understand what it knew but needed to live.

Plentiful abundance and abysmal scarcity are both perspectives we choose to view the world with. They define our world view and shape our life's emotions and experiences.

Why are we so focused on externals? Why are we not, somewhat, if not majorly, focused on our internal milieu? And why do we fail to see that till we shift our focus, our locus of control (LOC) inward, we will just keep seeking... never really finding.

LOC- the major point of control in our lives- after all what is it that we are all seeking? Whether we are running after money or our hunger for knowledge, whether we seek our children or our work- ultimate end point of any effort is bliss, happiness, contentment and satisfaction.

Yet in a perfect world there is scope for change for the better! It is already the best it can be! No scope for creativity, creation and improvement... we cannot really better the best, the perfect!

So... if you are unhappy, it is great place to be. If you are seeking... it is a wonderful search. That is where the road to success, to progress, to growth starts. That is the head of the path. Walking on it or sitting by the wayside and wallowing in self pity and pain is a stark choice- one that is up to us.

We often get so engrossed in our own pain that it becomes something we must cling to , something that makes us feel great and importantabout having been able to bear. We feel proud that we are able to stand despite the pain, that we are able to walk and talk and breathe despite it. In fact, bigger the pain... prouder and bigger we feel.

That is the simplest well to fall into. The easiest dungeon to wlak into. It is suicidal to keep THAT perspective.

We do need to, then, reexamine what we rae really committed to. Whether it is our pain or our fulfilment that is our drive. Andwhat we focus on becomes our life- its definition and its reality.

Fulfilment? Fulfilment is the art of a life well lived. It is the deep seated feeling of having done something meaningful- something that might survive beyond us, that might outlive us. Tony Robbins famously defines it by the acronym of art because it is different for everybody.

We would always need to remember that Success must precede the fulfilment, but need not ensure it. there are many who are wildly successful and yet, deeply unhappy and depressed even. The converse, however, is not an option at all! You can not find fulfilment without success. We all gain our sense of self worth in a moment of creation... in a moment of immortality in a mortal life.

That requires a constant shift in focus and a constant reminder of how great a life can be. We must create role models not only for our children but also for ourselves. Someone has famously said- if your mind can think it, your body can do it. And if you face challenge, your sense of self worth will be that much greater having achieved a worthy goal.

Live as if the only thing that matters is how you spend the next ten minutes or thirty or the next twenty four hours.

Teach as if your head is on fire- with passion and with expectation. If you expect the best, you generally get it!

Live. Learn. Love. Leave a legacy. That is the only worthy goal for a human life.

Good Morning Delhi!

A bus that straddles two lanes, an auto that runs at the speed of thirty in a speed fifty lane, and a maniac in an SUV weaving a meandering course, hurtling at a break-neck hundred on the same fifty road- cutting from extreme left to extreme right and on to extreme left again in a matter of seconds- Good Morning Delhi!
"Get the hell out of my way", said John Galt in Atlas Shrugged. These are the words that flash across my mind. They describe poignantly what is going on here. A power struggle and every body is in it to win. DO they even realise what they are doing?

"Get the hell out of my way", these words come easily to my mind racing to catch up with the display of speed on the road.

SCREEEECH! The maniac slams his brakes noisily. There is a couple on a motorbike cruising at a comfortable 45-50 in the middle lane. Oblivious to the on cming assault vehicle carrying the monster, the rider is maintaining a two dimensional straight line course on the asphalt surface. Straight. Linear.

My heart almost came rushing out of my mouth. My feet instinctively reac for the brakes in MY car! I am a fascinated onlooker. I am going good. I am comfortably doing a 40 at this time. I watch with a strange, detached and yet engrossed fascination all this unfolding on the road in front of me.

Thank God for the automatic drive in the modern day cars! My 'gear' hand rises to my mouth! Please God! let him stop in time. And as if to let me know He is wayching and listening, the SUV stops and veers into the adjoining lane. Is he mad? My mind screams. Is he crazy? He is a hurtling, menacing, careening, crazy bloody driver on the road who is making it unsafe for everyone else.  Why does he not go off-roading to satisfy his inner devil and his need for thrills?

Strangely so captivated am I with this graphic visual in front of me that teh auditory system has switched off! I realise in a flash of revelation that everything else is simply not on my minds radar. The otherwise noisy Delhi road that assaults all senses- especially the auditory with its horns blaring at an angry deafening 75-80 deciBels had been deathly quiet but for the screech of the maniac's breaks.

The couple is safe. The white Chevvy SUV is not on his tail.

My mind breathes again. The noises come back. The traffic light at the junction is red and the line of vehicles is growing. Wow! Whew! Guess what? The SUV has to stop, too. and we must all fall back into the limits defined by the lane we occupy.

Soon enough the light will turn green.

May be this driver will have experienced the fright of having nearly killed someone.
Maybe he will follow a straighter course and will be a more mindful driver.
May be the people on the road will be safe.
May be someone- somewhere  is thinking teh same thoughts I am thinking.
May be someone- somewhere more power than I do.
May be someone somewhere can and will make something different possible.

May be we will be able to slow the time down and we will breathe again.

And we will be able to drive calmly without being boxed in by buses- one ahaead of you, one behind and two beside you on either side.

May be we will wake up to a better world tomorrow.

Traffic traffic all around- not an inch to move

Where did my post go????


, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

I wrote in a flow I had not felt in ages...
I filled out words as if they were being spoken by some hovering over my head. I am sure I saw the green tick mark that signifies that my post is on my blogger page. And I tried going back to it... All I encountered was a blank page! I can wait and see if the post really did get lost somewhere in the cyber depths and will never see the light of the day... Or will it appear on my blog- unbidden and as if by magic?

I will have to. Carefully post this one and see if it really appears, or does this too make the disappearing ac!

I may not be able to pour out all that happened in the last few minutes with my fingers flying on the keypad to catch my thoughts... Those thoughts are at large- they are either far far away- never to be caught again- or will show up where they are supposed to be!

How I wish I had a back up copy! Sigh!!

Sometimes, just when you feel everything is perfect, God spills the milk everywhere! And many a times, when you feel nothing is going right, he throws smiles and angels in your path. He sure likes to play!!

What game is He playing now?

All I want is to catch those words- once more... Will I?

Where am I going!




, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Watching the road ahead of my car, I felt as if I was driving into the Unknown... I could not see far ahead, and had to trust the faith that the road leads where I want to go.

More importantly, however, I was watching my mindscape...
"That car is going too fast for this fog", I thought. Suddenly, at the next traffic junction, taking out my mobile phone, my mind said "Pranaam" and hit the send button. the next thought I was aware of -"Wow! The air that is bathing my feet under the dashboard is COLD cold." I turned up the heating and relaxed somewhat. And then I caught the next one! "Am I getting late?" I looked at the clock on the dashboard- relaxed again. So many poeople on the road are going too fast for the weather conditions prevailing that it appears somewhat unsafe.

They are all running... So are my thoughts... Red Light- Stop. Green now- start again.

The more you try to slow down, the more you find yourself hurtling through the space time you inhabit and more you realise the futility for the imperative prevailing and dominating our lives each minute we live. You also, nevertheless observe more. You catch more of the moments that seem to otherwise slip into the infinite eternal. And you realise howmindless the running and speeding is. You start to observe the pauses- teh moments BETWEEN the breath and teh moments BETWEEN the thoughts, the moments of apparent nothingness.

The mind begins to launch its own new thought on a new trajectory! But before this thought starts- you have the moment when you CAN catch yourself and anticipate- sometimes with a child like glee- Aah! here comes the next thought.

It is like observing my children waitiing at teh Metro station- you hear the train coming, then you also begin to see the leading head light, but teh train is still eluding the visual contact... And when it becomes visible, the child's face lights up. The smile is pure awareness- totally focussed on the approaching train. And the awareness of THE moment between thoughts, between breaths, between the two trains- can be caught. it does need attention. But it can be caught.

The more you try to slow down, the more you realise the truth behind the statement of how fast the thoughts do travel. Perhaps it is enough to simply recognise the train of thoughts; perhaps it is enough to slow it down just enought to be able to separate them into distinct thoughts- not haze surrounding several of them running into each other without a beginning and with no end. Perhaps if we do manage to slow it down to THIS awareness, we can catch the pauses and make them longer.

The Markandeya Puran talks of the quality of life being decided by the distance between stimulus and response. The longer this distance the better the quality of life is. Longer we are able to sustain this slowin down, the more contentment we find in our life. And yet, we area ll running to catch our own tails. Little do we realise that it is not possible to run forward at breakneck speed and try to catch what is behind us.

We also forget that life is simply a collection of moments- several of them, in fact. And these moments simply fall away into the sea that we have immersed ourselves in. they merge into the whole that makes it impossible to separate and appreciate any one of them. The more the moments we can hold as distinct instants, the richer our experience in life.

We forget that we are here for an experience- the experience that enriches us- moment by moment. we keep rushing into life losing sight of teh fact that we are actually rushing out of it! We are but insignificant dots in the scheme of things- but whose scheme? And what things??

The dog, too runs after each car that races past it. What is he going to do if he does manage to catch teh car? What does he want? Consciousness is the miracle that, for all practical intents and purposes, is uniquely a human trait. Are we not triviliasiing our existense as humans by letting the consciousness slip into a raciing haze rather than teh calrity of stillness? Stillness may not be possible- because teh whole Universe is speeding and so are we with it... but our experience can be slowed down to levels of gentle appreciation and moments...

In the end- what matters is not how long we lived but how deep; not how many instances made up our life but how many we managed to hold; not how much we took but how much we were able to happly give away.

Walking with faith makes it possible to keep walking- even in dense fog.

Walking with those you love makes it possible to hold more moments we want to cherish.








When you cannot... you must!

There are times when the whole world seems to come crashing down on you, or me, or someone!

And we feel like we just cannot take another breath without feeling the pain. We feel
so weary that we cannot place even one foot in front of the other. Walk? Not possible.
We absolutely must sit down.We must catch our breath. Or even simply drift off to sleep- in the desperate hope that things will have transformed while we sleep. Or we will have regained at the least some strength to go on walking. These times can come as we walk in life, or on that mountain trail. They may be proverbial or real.

You know you CANNOT go on... but you do.

When you feel that you cannot even stand, you must make that effort to just take one step... and then one more... And you have told your brain that you could do more than what the brain thought was possible. You 'confuse' the wits out of that consciousness that tells you "no more".

It is the first step which is the most difficult, the heaviest and the one that you are the most aware of. Then, you have taken the step. You lifted your foot and had it hanging in the air for those few moments, not knowing whether it would come down on its own under the pull of gravity or would be under the control of the will you seem to have lost.

That moment is the moment of pure awareness. It is the moment of being totally in the moment- NOW. It allows you to experience extreme vulnerability, and sheer curiosity- what will happen next...

It beats all meditation, all mental training, all physical prowess. Because this moment brings you sharply in focus to the ability of this machine to go on despite the odds, in fact- in spite of them. The body and the mind go on- much more and much better in the face of absolute agony and sheer pain.

And the moment the foot touches the asphalt- you know the victory is in your grasp. You still need to reach out and hold it. And to hold it, you must first reach out with an open palm- supplication to whoever watches from above.

Then, slowly, ever so slowly, the exhaustion gives way to exhileration. And the feeling that nothing is unbeatable- not us, nor the adversity. We could not be beaten by the adversity, and the adversity could as easily have taken us.

The last year has been one of several such moments...
When that one step seemed impossible...
When the breath came in gasps...
When the pain and the agony had become the definition of life...
When each moment was a moment of testing and trying..,

And each time, I remembered my father's words- when you cannot take that ONE step- take THAT one step. AND then take another. And then count in tens to yourself. Keep small targets. With each achieved end, you have a new beginning. You can leave everything behind. It does not matter. Because this is a beginning of the new ten steps. We often walked as young children kilometer after kilometer of ten steps, and ten more and then ten more.

That really is the secret to living through the difficult times, too, is it not?

It is when you just cannot- that you MUST!

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