Incontinent Pen !

Good Morning Delhi!

2012-02-02T08:26:00.000-08:00

A bus that straddles two lanes, an auto that runs at the speed of thirty in a speed fifty lane, and a maniac in an SUV weaving a meandering course, hurtling at a break-neck hundred on the same fifty road- cutting from extreme left to extreme right and on to extreme left again in a matter of seconds- Good Morning Delhi!
"Get the hell out of my way", said John Galt in Atlas Shrugged. These are the words that flash across my mind. They describe poignantly what is going on here. A power struggle and every body is in it to win. DO they even realise what they are doing?

"Get the hell out of my way", these words come easily to my mind racing to catch up with the display of speed on the road.

SCREEEECH! The maniac slams his brakes noisily. There is a couple on a motorbike cruising at a comfortable 45-50 in the middle lane. Oblivious to the on cming assault vehicle carrying the monster, the rider is maintaining a two dimensional straight line course on the asphalt surface. Straight. Linear.

My heart almost came rushing out of my mouth. My feet instinctively reac for the brakes in MY car! I am a fascinated onlooker. I am going good. I am comfortably doing a 40 at this time. I watch with a strange, detached and yet engrossed fascination all this unfolding on the road in front of me.

Thank God for the automatic drive in the modern day cars! My 'gear' hand rises to my mouth! Please God! let him stop in time. And as if to let me know He is wayching and listening, the SUV stops and veers into the adjoining lane. Is he mad? My mind screams. Is he crazy? He is a hurtling, menacing, careening, crazy bloody driver on the road who is making it unsafe for everyone else. Why does he not go off-roading to satisfy his inner devil and his need for thrills?

Strangely so captivated am I with this graphic visual in front of me that teh auditory system has switched off! I realise in a flash of revelation that everything else is simply not on my minds radar. The otherwise noisy Delhi road that assaults all senses- especially the auditory with its horns blaring at an angry deafening 75-80 deciBels had been deathly quiet but for the screech of the maniac's breaks.

The couple is safe. The white Chevvy SUV is not on his tail.

My mind breathes again. The noises come back. The traffic light at the junction is red and the line of vehicles is growing. Wow! Whew! Guess what? The SUV has to stop, too. and we must all fall back into the limits defined by the lane we occupy.

Soon enough the light will turn green.

May be this driver will have experienced the fright of having nearly killed someone.
Maybe he will follow a straighter course and will be a more mindful driver.
May be the people on the road will be safe.
May be someone- somewhere is thinking teh same thoughts I am thinking.
May be someone- somewhere more power than I do.
May be someone somewhere can and will make something different possible.

May be we will be able to slow the time down and we will breathe again.

And we will be able to drive calmly without being boxed in by buses- one ahaead of you, one behind and two beside you on either side.

May be we will wake up to a better world tomorrow.

Traffic traffic all around- not an inch to move

2012-01-25T06:27:00.001-08:00

Traffic traffic all around- not an inch to move, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Where did my post go????

2012-01-18T11:52:00.001-08:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

I wrote in a flow I had not felt in ages...
I filled out words as if they were being spoken by some hovering over my head. I am sure I saw the green tick mark that signifies that my post is on my blogger page. And I tried going back to it... All I encountered was a blank page! I can wait and see if the post really did get lost somewhere in the cyber depths and will never see the light of the day... Or will it appear on my blog- unbidden and as if by magic?

I will have to. Carefully post this one and see if it really appears, or does this too make the disappearing ac!

I may not be able to pour out all that happened in the last few minutes with my fingers flying on the keypad to catch my thoughts... Those thoughts are at large- they are either far far away- never to be caught again- or will show up where they are supposed to be!

How I wish I had a back up copy! Sigh!!

Sometimes, just when you feel everything is perfect, God spills the milk everywhere! And many a times, when you feel nothing is going right, he throws smiles and angels in your path. He sure likes to play!!

What game is He playing now?

All I want is to catch those words- once more... Will I?

Where am I going!

2012-01-18T11:41:00.001-08:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Watching the road ahead of my car, I felt as if I was driving into the Unknown... I could not see far ahead, and had to trust the faith that the road leads where I want to go.

More importantly, however, I was watching my mindscape...
"That car is going too fast for this fog", I thought. Suddenly, at the next traffic junction, taking out my mobile phone, my mind said "Pranaam" and hit the send button. the next thought I was aware of -"Wow! The air that is bathing my feet under the dashboard is COLD cold." I turned up the heating and relaxed somewhat. And then I caught the next one! "Am I getting late?" I looked at the clock on the dashboard- relaxed again. So many poeople on the road are going too fast for the weather conditions prevailing that it appears somewhat unsafe.

They are all running... So are my thoughts... Red Light- Stop. Green now- start again.

The more you try to slow down, the more you find yourself hurtling through the space time you inhabit and more you realise the futility for the imperative prevailing and dominating our lives each minute we live. You also, nevertheless observe more. You catch more of the moments that seem to otherwise slip into the infinite eternal. And you realise howmindless the running and speeding is. You start to observe the pauses- teh moments BETWEEN the breath and teh moments BETWEEN the thoughts, the moments of apparent nothingness.

The mind begins to launch its own new thought on a new trajectory! But before this thought starts- you have the moment when you CAN catch yourself and anticipate- sometimes with a child like glee- Aah! here comes the next thought.

It is like observing my children waitiing at teh Metro station- you hear the train coming, then you also begin to see the leading head light, but teh train is still eluding the visual contact... And when it becomes visible, the child's face lights up. The smile is pure awareness- totally focussed on the approaching train. And the awareness of THE moment between thoughts, between breaths, between the two trains- can be caught. it does need attention. But it can be caught.

The more you try to slow down, the more you realise the truth behind the statement of how fast the thoughts do travel. Perhaps it is enough to simply recognise the train of thoughts; perhaps it is enough to slow it down just enought to be able to separate them into distinct thoughts- not haze surrounding several of them running into each other without a beginning and with no end. Perhaps if we do manage to slow it down to THIS awareness, we can catch the pauses and make them longer.

The Markandeya Puran talks of the quality of life being decided by the distance between stimulus and response. The longer this distance the better the quality of life is. Longer we are able to sustain this slowin down, the more contentment we find in our life. And yet, we area ll running to catch our own tails. Little do we realise that it is not possible to run forward at breakneck speed and try to catch what is behind us.

We also forget that life is simply a collection of moments- several of them, in fact. And these moments simply fall away into the sea that we have immersed ourselves in. they merge into the whole that makes it impossible to separate and appreciate any one of them. The more the moments we can hold as distinct instants, the richer our experience in life.

We forget that we are here for an experience- the experience that enriches us- moment by moment. we keep rushing into life losing sight of teh fact that we are actually rushing out of it! We are but insignificant dots in the scheme of things- but whose scheme? And what things??

The dog, too runs after each car that races past it. What is he going to do if he does manage to catch teh car? What does he want? Consciousness is the miracle that, for all practical intents and purposes, is uniquely a human trait. Are we not triviliasiing our existense as humans by letting the consciousness slip into a raciing haze rather than teh calrity of stillness? Stillness may not be possible- because teh whole Universe is speeding and so are we with it... but our experience can be slowed down to levels of gentle appreciation and moments...

In the end- what matters is not how long we lived but how deep; not how many instances made up our life but how many we managed to hold; not how much we took but how much we were able to happly give away.

Walking with faith makes it possible to keep walking- even in dense fog.

Walking with those you love makes it possible to hold more moments we want to cherish.

Where am I going?

2012-01-18T11:33:00.001-08:00

When you cannot... you must!

2012-01-04T07:17:00.000-08:00

There are times when the whole world seems to come crashing down on you, or me, or someone!

And we feel like we just cannot take another breath without feeling the pain. We feel
so weary that we cannot place even one foot in front of the other. Walk? Not possible.
We absolutely must sit down.We must catch our breath. Or even simply drift off to sleep- in the desperate hope that things will have transformed while we sleep. Or we will have regained at the least some strength to go on walking. These times can come as we walk in life, or on that mountain trail. They may be proverbial or real.

You know you CANNOT go on... but you do.

When you feel that you cannot even stand, you must make that effort to just take one step... and then one more... And you have told your brain that you could do more than what the brain thought was possible. You 'confuse' the wits out of that consciousness that tells you "no more".

It is the first step which is the most difficult, the heaviest and the one that you are the most aware of. Then, you have taken the step. You lifted your foot and had it hanging in the air for those few moments, not knowing whether it would come down on its own under the pull of gravity or would be under the control of the will you seem to have lost.

That moment is the moment of pure awareness. It is the moment of being totally in the moment- NOW. It allows you to experience extreme vulnerability, and sheer curiosity- what will happen next...

It beats all meditation, all mental training, all physical prowess. Because this moment brings you sharply in focus to the ability of this machine to go on despite the odds, in fact- in spite of them. The body and the mind go on- much more and much better in the face of absolute agony and sheer pain.

And the moment the foot touches the asphalt- you know the victory is in your grasp. You still need to reach out and hold it. And to hold it, you must first reach out with an open palm- supplication to whoever watches from above.

Then, slowly, ever so slowly, the exhaustion gives way to exhileration. And the feeling that nothing is unbeatable- not us, nor the adversity. We could not be beaten by the adversity, and the adversity could as easily have taken us.

The last year has been one of several such moments...
When that one step seemed impossible...
When the breath came in gasps...
When the pain and the agony had become the definition of life...
When each moment was a moment of testing and trying..,

And each time, I remembered my father's words- when you cannot take that ONE step- take THAT one step. AND then take another. And then count in tens to yourself. Keep small targets. With each achieved end, you have a new beginning. You can leave everything behind. It does not matter. Because this is a beginning of the new ten steps. We often walked as young children kilometer after kilometer of ten steps, and ten more and then ten more.

That really is the secret to living through the difficult times, too, is it not?

It is when you just cannot- that you MUST!

Why run all the time?!

2011-12-22T10:08:00.001-08:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

This was ironical!

It is the man who is running... And the dogs who are sunning!!!

Are we not always in hurry? We are often running to catch our own tail, and we do not even stop to consider the fact that it might be impossible to do so.

How many of you have played the game of trying to touch the tip of your nose with the tip of your tongue? It is a biological impossibility. The longest tongue cannot reach the part of our anatome that leads our body headlong into all the mess we create for ourselves.

We do not even take a moment to pause the buttons on our ever hectic life and simply keep going on. Were we to press Pause, we would realise the futility of trying to touch the tip of our nose with the tip of our tongue. Rather we would contemplate the physiology of what makes this, the most prominent feature of our face, the least used for its natural uses.

Why have we stopped using our noses to smell out the dangers and the pleasures? What makes this sense the fastes to adapt? How can we be in the moment NOW, and know that we are cared for- always?

e would also pause to let silence prevail rther than the noise that overpowers us in the city each day- day after day. We would be able to look, feel, and hear more completely, and more pofoundly. We would be more open to recieve what the Universe WANTS to channel to us.

The doors keep knocking. The door bells keep ringing. But we are in the slumber that makes us more aware of our alarms to wake up- that too, into a groggy, foggy existence- each moment.

We do not stop- like the dog- to simply let the sun wash over our soul and our body. We do not allow the mother to fill our cup... we are too busy thinking about the next moment to really relish the present one.

And we are all rushing to keep our rendesvous with the only certainty in our life- death.

A poem my children used to sing when they were tiny-

Stop... Look... and Listen!
You don't know what you're missin' till you
Stop...
Look...
'n Listen...

So take a moment- And relish JUST that moment!

Do you write to be read? ... Or to write?

2011-11-28T06:42:00.001-08:00

This is a question I have often encountered in myriad ways, in many situations...
Why do I want to do Medicine? I was often asked when I was a middle school student. It was somehow not enough that in the foggy reality of teen age, when everyone else was just trying to make sense of their own worlds, I knew mine and saw mine so clearly that I did not have to think about what I wanted to do with my life. It was always what, and then I was supposed to explain why! Why was it not enough to want to become a doctor because it thrilled me?
I had no fancy and lofty ideas about altruism and wanting to become a doctor because I would 'get the opportunity to do some good in the world'. Ouch! Yes! I never wanted to become a doctor for the others in the equation. I wanted to become a doctor because it thrilled me to know I COULD do so much. And that would be different and perhaps more than an ordinary mortal could. I still enjoy the challenge of solving biological mysteries each day, several times each day. Yes... someone else is benefited in the bargain. Yes... someone else feels better in the process. Yes... it gives much love and adulation... And yes... it is a different day each day.
My primary reason was the sense of satisfaction of DOING, and making a difference. It was not making a difference FOR others... but simply making a difference. And I knew that if I did this job well, someone would feel better for having been touched by me. It was all a Divine plan. It was not for others but for my own deepest desire to DO a new thing every day that I wanted to become a doctor.
And all those who want to become a doctor for all the good they can do FOR others, forget that it requires immense amount of passion, drive and dedication to keep doing something so well that it can make a difference.

Now I face the same question- why do I write? Do I write to write or to be read?
Is it not enough that I try to make sense of a world in which there are as many tunes as people? Is it not enough that I write? And have the courage to put it up- bare my soul- so to speak- open, vulnerable and shared. I write to write. Of course, it feels great to be read. Of course, it is good to know that there are kindred spirits who feel similarly and cry and laugh at similar things. Of course it feels good to know that I am not alone- in my thoughts and my world. There are others who are touched by the same words and who will also share openly. Without judgement and be as open about sharing their own inner world.

The bottomline is that I would write even if I was not read by another soul. I would write it if it was a pesonal journal that would never be read by anyone else! I would write because it satisfies my creative urge to write. I write because it serves to take me to a deeper place within me and allows me to be myself-

And each time I see someone achieve something extraordinary, I cry a silent tear- of immense happiness and satisfaction. It takes a lot of courage to be yourself- and do something so well that doing it becomes the reward in itself.

I get very sentimental and emotional for that child who walks up the steps to the stage and proudly claim the reward the world gives for having done well. But... would that child not do what they can if that was not coming?

I feel overwhelming emotions WHEN I see love and achievement...

I wish...

2011-11-11T11:34:00.001-08:00

A few days ago, as I was doing my yoga class in the evening, I got a few calls on my cell phone. All of them were from the same person! And there were so many that I thought something desperate had happened. My phone had been on silent mode through the class... and I simply had to call back and find out what had happened!?

This friend of mine is a deeply religious person with a sense of being somewhat deeply spiritual, too. I do not say this lightly- because being religious is certainly not equal to being spiritual any more than being in love is equal to being loved!!

She replied to the first trrrring- Hi! Light a lamp in your temple and ask for a wish. Do it BEFORE 8 o'clock. It will come true. Only five minutes left- OK- Bye!

That was cool!

Light a lamp in your temple and ask for any wish!

I rushed to light a lamp- a thousand thoughts racing through my head.

I put the lit lamp in my temple. And I stood there- a couple of minutes still to go. And I thought. And i thought. And I thought.

What could I wish for?

I have a wonderful family- a husband who loves me and is fit as a fiddle, kids who adore me and think I am God incarnate. That I can make anything go away- hurt, fear, bad colds and bad throats, bad playmates and scraped knees. They make my world go round. What more can I ask for?

Then I thought of a friend who is battling a lone battle- trying to make sense of loving a man who cannot give up drinking, trying to bring this man back into the fold of the family he started with her and whose children no longer really want to be with him. My heart goes out to this gal with a heart and a spunk to beat all odds and go on loving despite everything and in spite of it all.

Then I thought of this lady who has always had this huge chip on her shoulder, who is always soooo rude to all at office, who has not been able t find anything nice about anyone in her life and is forever the queen bee who must do everything because she thinks only she can! And who cannot accept that there are those who do as much, if not more.

Then I thought of my best friend who had recently undergone a surgery to remove a cyst from under her eye- a simple procedure but it left her with eyes like bags of blood and they just can't seem to get back to normal.

Then I thought of this mom of a past friend of my daughter who is going through a silly and stupid divorce because the two of them cannot get over who is more important in the marriage- the woman or the man. And who suffers? the two children who have started behaving oddly to say the least.

And I thought of all the homeless, who in the Delhi winter would have to sleep in near zero temperatures out in the open- with a thin cover simply because the city does not have dwellings for the homeless.

And I thought... And I thought...

Can you think so much in the span of less than a minute? I noticed that I would have to ask for my wish real soon- I had only a minute left!

And in that one minute I realised I had to express my gratitude to this God who was going to grant all wishes made before 8:00- that I had to express my deeply felt sense of being truly happy- from inside because I had everything I could ask for.

So I thanked the Lord. And completed my prayer- Let N have her peace, Let S have his job back, Let R's children find their love and their parent's love can survive the divorce, Let N find out that others who work with her are not all trying to pass time but are contributing at least as meaningfully to the world as she thinks she is...

I asked for peace and happiness of all those who touch my life, and whose life I touch.I went a step further and asked for love and peace and contentment to just gently envelop the world as a whole. Everybody deserves a little corner to call their own in which life is a blessing and not an ordeal.

I opened my eyes- and the clock had struck the magic hour.

In that moment of truth, I realised I did not want anything for myself. I had everything I could want, or need.

Today... As I saw the prompt and decided to rethink that question- I thought again-

But today I would like to catch up.
I would like to catch up with my children's pending assignments, with my approaching deadlines, with my just unreachable fitness goals, with my next big surgery, with my next great 'free' moment when I can take a deep breath and just BE. I would like to catch up with the man of my life who is into running these days. And be able to hold him a moment longer.I would like to be able to catch up with everything that MUST be done in the moment and find some time for what I would like to do. Like play with my children, make time to love my husband, spend an evening with my parents, and just generally let my hair down and spend an evening doing nothing! And I would like to catch up and get everything done- and discover that there is still more to do. That Life must go on.

And I would like to catch up- and let go.
I would like to catch up with those floating gas balloons, hold them a while in my hands and enjoy the feeling of having done much in the time I have on this planet. Then... I would like to let go. I would not want to always run and coax my children to do more, run and hold on to my husband and ask him to hold me a moment and let me know I matter. I would like to let go- and allow my children and my husband to find out I'm OK. And they are, too! I would like to hold my coworker by her arms and shake her and tell her we all matter. And then let go. Because she must find out for herself. I would like to finish the next MBA assignment and then, let go- Is this it? Is that all there is? I would like to help my children discover a world where the gas balloons can be tied to the wrists so that when you let go- they do not fly away. They still are with you- till they have any gas left!

And I want to just BE... Stop doing, stop running, stop walking, stop asking, stop cajoling- just be. Just BE happy, just BE there for all those who need that small feed of feeling and looking and seeking and finding- just BE and let everything else BE.

My driving passion...

2011-11-11T04:57:00.001-08:00

I wish it were as easy as writing the few words...

This post title made me look inwards. It made me think a level below the surface. It made me pause and contemplate.

It is easy to see my passion in the way I live.

Each moment of the day MUST be filled with something that I am proud to have done. This could be a work day well delivered- each patient feeling special and valued for having sat in front of me. Each surgery that I perform MUST take me farther than yesterday in the outcome, in the technique, and in the sheer quality of a great job done.

Each moment of the day MUST be filled with things I love to do and those that make my life worthwhile. My children and my family- foremost. No matter how busy- I am never TOO busy for them I must, however, also be able to lead by example. I must be able to SHOW that doing a good job great is reward enough. I must show them that being is as important as doing. That Doing MUST take precedence over many other matters- especially when the heart and the head fight.

And I must show them, that it is easy to follow the head when the two fight but- and that is a BIG but- following the heart may actually lead down the path of wonder and rediscovery. That we may even discover ourselves for the first time when we make the courage to follow our heart.

And that DOING SOMETHING WELL IS NOT THE ONLY REASON YOU MUST CONTINUE DOING IT!!!!!

And I am passionate about my reading. There is enough on my phone (Lucky me! with my i-phone and the Kindle- e-books are just a click away) and my i-pad (ditto) and of course, the print version that always lie around all the places I am likely to be. This means my bedside, my study table, my dining table, my bathroom, my car, my office table, my purse and my bag. I carry a book in my hand even if I am going for a movie! Can anything be crazier than that? Actually I found out that the i-phone is great when you must accompany your children and family for the movie they want to watch DESPERATELY and be with them, as well as take out the phone and open the kindle and read. Advantages of back lit technology!

In my book, pun totally intended, decoration is placing a bookshelf in each room.

And my driving passion is being able to create heroes who live each day like heroes. It is to help the children and others who happen to touch my life in any way realise that they are special. That each person has a responsibility to himself to BE the best they can be... that is what we are here for.

And to love freely.
To give abundantly.
To live simply and to think greatly.
To find happiness in being here.

My passion is to live in a way that makes the world a better place- each day.

My passion is to help anyone find the passion in THEIR lives.

My passion is do Math and English as if these are worthy of worship.

My passion is to follow the road less travelled and marvel at the sights and sounds- to LIVE the life we are meant to. Each day.

My home...

2011-11-09T09:09:00.000-08:00

We had a burglery that left us in the midst of a ransacking so terrible that we had to just... stop... and breathe...

It redefined life for us.

We had been out for a conference in Europe. Fortunately we were traveling as a family and the children, too were with us. The trip was a wonderful experience, academically and personally.

Sanjay was sure we just HAD to experience something bad soon enough. It was all too good to be true.

We came back to India and back home... The place was completely and thoroughly ransacked.

It took me ten days to just separate out things on the floor into clothes, utensils and others.

It took me ten days to just separate out clothes into those that would need dry cleaning and those that would need to be thrown.

It took me ten days to just create space to stand in the mess.

What they could not take away, they broke. It was a nightmare. And a terrible violation.

We had to re-do our entire house, rebuild ouor home. And the children would not even visit the loo without one of us standing guard at the door.

We have one really large room. We did the obvious... We palced two double beds in ONE room. There was one room to sleep, one room to sit, one room for music and one room for ocassional visitors.

All our friends would express surprise and astonishment... In the same room?! All of you together?

That was when we realised not only our home but our life and our thoughts- all were different! We were square pegs and we did not have any round holes to fit. We had friends come over and sing with us- and we just put food on the table and allowed the foodies to eat and the singers to sing. We even allowed the non-interested ones to read, or be online... Each one do your own thing- so long as you enjoy, you are doing good. And when you can do nothing else, it is still fun to sing in a chorus.

Finally, now- with my daughter 14 and my son 8, they have ASKED for their own room. Not because they thought we, the parents needed the room to ourselves but because the children needed the room to themselves!

ANd then we replaced all windows with clear glass- we get sunlight through out teh day... Really a green plan for the home...

And we now have our friends just drop in and join us for the weekends- for fun and for being together. Because or home is for simplified love and togetherness.

We have never worked on appearances, and it shows in our open hearts and transparent interactions.

We have never worked on pretenses, and it shows in the closeness of our relationships.

I hope, I can teach my children to live simply and fully, that they realise that things do not create a life- real lives are built with real relations and emotions that fill our hearts and hearths, that define our home and our heads, that make us us.

For me crystal is pretty but not decoration! For me a book here under the table and one there over the table is great. If I could, a book shelf would be THE decoration of the home. The music that Sanjay listens to certainly is part of the decor.

So come home to homeliness...
Come home to togetherness...
Come home to love...
Come home to BEING...

The only thing I find getting my nerves raw is clutter... And rest- EVERYTHING is a gentle, lived in kind of homely home feel.

Oh! My God!!

2011-11-08T10:28:00.000-08:00

I got a call in the hospital when I was neck deep in seeing my own patients...
"Mom!", my older one was in panic,"Please come home now. Now!" I had to calm her down and ask her, "What happened sweetie?" I was sure it could not be anything serious.
After all, the children were at home, and their granny was with them. Nothing could happen!
But the panic in my daughter's voice was palpable. My maid took over the phone. She told me in broken sentences that my younger one's hand had got caught in the door and the hand was cut off. Now this is a south Indian maid, so I had to calm HER down and understand what she meant by 'hand cut off'. She started sobbing and told me to just come home. I called for my daughter on the phone- she was quiet. Deathly quiet.

I will never forget that silence on the line. I kept trying to talk to her- to get her to tell me something I could make sense of. My darling was scared. She was very scared. And her grand mother's presence did nothing to help. For a moment I resented that. I resented the fact that a child could not be safe despite the granny, that a child could not feel loved in spite of a grand mother right there.

Not able to make out much, I got into my car and raced home. I do not know how I drove, I have no recollection of how long it took.

All I remember is the look on their faces when I reached home.

My son, barely a year old was howling- crying so loud that he could have collected all the neighbours! Strangely, the neighbours were no where near! There was blood all around the house. His hand - the left one was tied in a dirty blood stained handkerchief and the room was a mess. I ran to hold him close, asking for where was Saniya, my very special daughter.

She has always been a part of my soul. She is an angel- but she forgot to put on her wings, always smiling and great with small children, she had prayed a whole month for a little brother. She wanted to hold him the minute she laid eyes on him. She adored him.

I found her crouching in a corner- scared out of her wits... scared of so much blood in the room, scared that something really terrible had happened. It was heart-rending. The fear and the panic were so unnecessary. Saniya was the one who had brought ice in the handkerchief foe her little brother.

I hugged her close and kissed her, with the other hand I picked up my son. He stopped crying instantly. I talked to both of them and tried to understand what had happened. I took off the hanky and saw the hand.

And I gasped.

The little baby of mine was looking at me with big huge eyes and he had the confidence that everything would be OK. My little daughter looked at me with her own fears and also had the confidence that I would make it all OK.

Both of them had faith that their mother would set it all right. And in this space no one else mattered We were together.

I finally found out what had happened.

My daughter and her friend were playing. My daughter's friend closed the door and Moksh's finger got caught in the hinge. The terminal one third, with the nail, and the soft bone of a small child was hanging with a fragile tag of skin. It did not look like it would survive. The ice had stopped the bleeding but it could have blocked off the blood vessels that could give vitality to the cut segment. I put them both in the car, got into the driver's seat and called my husband to meet me at the hospital.

Fortunate that both of us are doctors and can let our logical brain take over at a moment's notice.

He called a plastic surgeon friend of his. This plastic surgeon met us outside the OR and took my son into the operating suite immediately. He told us that the injury was a lot commoner than we had thought. That the results would be dramatic. That he would do the best.

It took unbearably long waiting outside for Moksh to come out. And when he was brought out, he looked delicate, fragile, as if he needed to be protected. I took him in my arms and talked to him. His hand had been placed in a Boxing glove dressing so that he would not disturb the wound. I taught him the treat it like a baby on the opposite shoulder, pat it and try to make the baby sleep. He went around the house with "Baby!" for a fortnight.

I sat down with Saniya and tried to tell her it was OK. It had looked scary but it was not that bad, and most importantly, it was not her fault. But she would have to be more careful as the elder sibling.

The trauma was not so much a nearly chopped phalanx but more the scarred , scared psyche that confronted Saniya- herself a baby.

But she took it remarkable well. She is a great person. And so is Moksh. They know, deep inside that they have to stand by each other and use their head in a moment of crisis. And using their head means that they must inform their mom or dad.

And it brought us close as a family. We went places with that boxing glove baby. We played with this new born. And we bade him bye bye at the final dressing a few days later. We all came out of it with our hearts stronger and our heads in the right place.

Too much blood does not mean it is hopeless. It means that the life still pulses with vitality and hope.

Mistakes and accidents will happen. They are just that- mistakes and accidents.

My son does not any longer really remember the 'baby'. My daughter will probably never forget the incident. But they are both special and blessed to have discovered their own strength and their own confidence that fear can be overcome. That fear is simply a state of the mind.

And my mother-in-law? She has aged. And she probably does not remember the incident either. She needs her own looking after and is like a baby, but a more difficult one than the children who are now growing up. She does have periods of lucidity and has periods of being totally absent from the context of the world. The neurologists say she could be having Alzheimer's.

Now how does one overcome THAT?

Make time for family...

2011-11-07T11:36:00.000-08:00

A few days ago, we met some friends after what appears to be ~~ages~~ no... eons.

He had gone through a terrible month. Having been hospitalised and unable to attend to his own patients, this doctor friend of ours had gone through real hell and the virtual world had nothing to do with it.

She had been battling work, and husband's health and the cherry on the cake had been her son's difficulties at college. The pressure cooker was on- full and high. It only needed a little tap on the stove top to blast the whole kitchen to glory.

They have been very close friends. My husband and this couple have known each other practically their whole life. They have studied from Junior school through to high school and then even Medical school together. When they meet- nostalgia does not even begin to describe the scene. Often I am the outsider.

At such times, I do what I most enjoy- let them talk and be with my children, and theirs.

This once, SHE came out and talked to me...

"Time really flies! Does it not?!", wistfully, woefully, nostalgic. "It was only yesterday that you guys had got married and had come for dinner. D was still a small baby. Now he's all grown up and gone! I miss my son. And you know? I do not remember what his childhood was like! I regret that. Do you?"

It was heartfelt and it was sheer pain. She was looking for a support- a peg to dry her regret on.

My take on life has always been Family first. And it can be excruciatingly difficult. I am an ENT Surgeon, a writer (of sorts!), a prolific reader, an HR (Human Resource) developer, and I am doing an MBA, Yoga, Kumon, and I love to cook at least one meal for the family. So how does everything fit in?

I told her," M! That is ONE regret I had decided long ago never to have. Through everything I do, this is one thing that has no compromise. I wake up each morning to prepare both my children's school tiffins, get them ready and drop themoff to school before I start rushing through the day to reach the hospital and do my 'job'. Do not get me wrong here. I am crazily passionate about my work and my patients think the world of me.

"But- first and foremost, I am a mother, a wife, a sister and a daughter. I decided that the hospital will go on even if I am no longer alive. The people who will never to be able to be the same again are my children and my family.

If I can be good to my patients, why not extend the same patience and time to my children?

If I can be a great surgeon, why not make the same effort at being a great mother?

My children study with me. They play with me. They shop with me. They even cook with me. I teach them, I lead them, I love them and I never tire of telling them how much they mean to me. I am conscious of each moment I am blessed to be with them. I am grateful they love me so much that time, relatively speaking, simply flies!"

You see- life has the tendency to take over. We must make the time that we have count. We may use it well or not, it cannot be stored for use later. Once released, the arrow of time never really comes back. The only way in which we can recapture the moments is through our pictures and snapshots of the past.

Children do grow up fast. Their needs change. Their desires and dislikes change. Through it all, I am grateful to still be the confidante for my 14 year old and be the punching bag for my eight year old.

The more involved we are with our children and the younger they are, the younger we remain.

And the more energy we have to keep doing this thing called family and love.

Like any typical Asian mother, I would never go on holidays alone. For me holiday is family time and it is fun time.

Like any typical Asian mother, I would not accept a bad grade from my children and an A- is a bad grade!

Like any typical Asian mother, I have slept with my children till very late into their adolescence. And I have loved each hug ( and bug) that my children have given me at bed time.

We scream and we shout- we fight and we sing- but we do it together.

And most of all- WE PRAY TOGETHER!

We say simple things and we say profound things to each other. But importantly, we SAY things that we need to say.

We know that when we speak, we are heard. We are not talking to wax statues. We are talking to a family that cares. We MUSt have at least one ,eal together each weekday. We must also have all meals together each weekend.

WE must share our stories and our trials each day. We must also share our victories and our defeats when they happen.

Making time for those you love is not difficult at all!

Life happens.

Time flies.

The tighter we hold it in the palm of our hand, the faster the sand of time slips out.
We must learn to hold it softly, share more fully and love more freely.

When you freely and truly love, it is easy to say no to anything that may come in the way.

And- if you must write for the NaBloPoMo- you write when everybody is already playing with you in Slumberland! (hopefully)

So- here I am typing away, unknown word counts, trying to figure out if I will be able to upload anything at all, and my children are already in Slumberland playing with me and telling me stories. My husband is already there, too. He is giving them good company. I look at them and a smile lights up my face.

I do not have to make time for anyone! My time is their time till they want it. This, too shall change. And before that happens and I stand in some balcony and think back to my children's childhood, I want to live each moment as if it belongs only to them and to me- TOGETHER.

We do not just share a roof over our heads, we share the space that our heart beats define into the cacophony we sometimes drown ourselves in. Such is life. But it is a life where the landscape and the sound scape is mingled with our love and our smiles, with our time and our heartbeats.

This is a place that glows because we are open to receiving AND giving from and to each other.

I want to live a life of no regrets- it is too short anyway!

Finally!!!

2011-11-05T13:21:00.001-07:00

Finally!!!, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

This is the screen shot that shows Dyslexicon is my friend!
Yippee!!!
You see... Dyslexicon is my dear husband who has always maintained, much to my irritation, aggravation and frustration that he is no longer my friend! He can only be a husband- or a friend.
Now who is he to say that he is not my friend?! I am the one who decides who is my friend. He can say that I am not his friend but not that he is not.
But all that rests with the judgement of the one judge he just might accept! The Internet BABA!!
He is THE geek of the family, THE computer wizard, THE guy who has the responsibility to see all our 'individual machines are virus free and run smoothly all the time. He is also THE guy who made sure till some time in the past that all the machines went through a routine of clean up and defrag each week.
It went like clock-work.
It is not as if he cannot live without teh gizmos that he lives with- he has gone on treks ALONE when he has been unreachable by any means. No phone, no newspaper, no internet, no means of communication at all.
These have been his trips to 'get away from it all', and he comes back recharged with the conviction that he CAN battle the world on his own terms.
In the distant- very distant past, Cave Man retreated to caves and stayed there till he figured out things for himself. The Cave Woman was left to do all that she could. Things have not changed too much in a couple of millenia and more!
The Cave Man still disappears from teh world that is his battle-field and his play-ground. He still thinks alone, speaks little and walks a lot.
And the cave woman reas the family and tries to do whatever she can!
To be fair, this once he wanted me t go with him. I chickened out. I am not ready for it yet. I want to be close to my children. They had just finished their exams. It was time for them to have fun- how could I just FLY away- and not be available even for a little chat.
May be... somewhere in the future, when they grow up, and think they do not need me, I can make this trip with Sanjay. But till then... I love him, and I love them. He can and often does take care of himself. They want to be ith me and take as much caer of me as they want me to take care of tehm. I love it. I cherish eachmoment of love and belonging I share with them.
I do not need to climb any mountains outside- for now. I have enough thrill of climbing great ones with the children every day.
But... finally... An independent source up-loaded- that Dyslexicon aka Dr Sanjay Dhawan is my MY FRIEND!!!
Yippee!!

Love takes over!

2011-11-05T12:44:00.000-07:00

I love you!

The words lose their meaning and their power in this world that runs on wheels all the time trying to catch its own tail.

We timed it... it takes less than ten seconds to say these three words. And it takes a world of faith and trust and vulnerability and everything else that goes to make this love a reality to say them.

We said it... and we said it after really waiting and examining whether this was the right thing to say. That was the first time. He wanted to hear it from me- and I was soooo afraid. Apprehensive that I was not safe, or was not sure.

Then... one fine morning- saying the words became irrelevant. It does not matter whether you say it or hear it. You must feel it and mean it. You could show it through your actions or even through your choices. And you could show it through a touch or a look. And you could keep it inside- a deeply hidden secret in the deepest corner of your heart because it is safe there.

Love is a sacred feeling. It needs validation- but only when it is young and unsure. It needs to be nurtured and looked after quite like a new born baby. It needs to be soothed when hungry and quietened when irritated. It needs cuddling and holding. It needs talking and cooing. It needs everything a baby needs for emotional safety.

And then- it grows up. It blossoms into that safe place where it no longer needs anything from any one else. All that matters is that you love. It does not matter that the 'other' does not say it. It does not even matter if the 'other' does not mean it. It does not matter if the 'other' does not show it. Because NOW there IS No OTHER! Now the psychological and emotional fusion makes the physical irrelevant.

That is not to say you do not need it or even crave it. It does not mean that you do not want it or seek it. It only means that when you get it in return or sometimes unexpectedly, it feels like another experience of that first day that you fell in love... that it still lights up your insides into a warm glow and a hot fire. But that the absence of a physical gesture to show that love is not the absence of love.

Die-hard romantic. That's me.
Madly in love even after nearly twenty five years of having met the man I fell for.
And looking for my own survival in a world that does not allow too much love, or too much happiness, or too much warmth... or too much anything!

No regrets here. I would not change a thing in my life were I given the chance to live it again. I would not even change how much time I took to finally tell the man I love that I love him.

He does not say it often. But I know.
He often gets annoyed and irritated... But I know.
He has developed some solitary interests... But I know.
I know... And THAT is enough...

I write this for a young friend. A friend who starts her own journey in a few days. This may be a romantic view to a harsh world- but it is a wonderful place to be.

It will not always be easy. Sometimes you will want to fight fists and punches. Sometimes you might even wonder what you ever saw to decide to go ahead with THIS person. Sometimes you will be lonely... very lonely...

But at the end of the day, if you turn in the middle of the night and find yourself thanking God for all that HE has given you- the wonderful life that you live WITH the wonderful people that HE put there- it is enough.

If you find, in the middle of nowhere your thoughts drift to THIS person and you smile, safe in the glow that it is enough to love- it IS enough.

And it IS enough to ASK... To PESTER... and to FIGHT, too. After all you will not do it with THAT person walking on the road.

And I write this for an old friend. A friend who needs to find peace and needs to stop looking. All that we have in our life is there for a reason. And unless we understand that reason, it will keep coming back to us. Always.

And I write this for my children. If there is ONE thing they MUST learn in life, it is emotional resilience. It is the need to love freely and give freely. No one can bring any harm to someone who is true and honest. And in the end- it is emotions that make the world go round.

And I write this for someone who has helped me see it- through pain and tribulation, through fortitude and patience and through impatience and conflict- Love prevails.

Love prevails. And Love takes over.
In a place where nothing else matters.

Running too fast!

2011-10-10T12:27:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

When you are too busy trying to catch your own tail- life rushes by!
The greens pass by the way side in a blur. And we miss out on what makes life worthwhile!
The children grow up.
The hair turn gray.
The skin sags and the muscles lose their power.
The world largely stays the same but our presence in it becomes more and more 'aged'.
Think about the cosmic calender that Sagan devised to give the proper perspective.
If the Universe was formed on the New Year's Day a year ago, we came about just about at 10:32 on December 31.

Our distant ancestors knew nothing about time perspective and defined their life by the today and the now they lived. Each moment they survived was a moment they had lived- truly lived. And they did not even give it a thought.

They simply survived.
And, they simply carried on.

Walk miles to get food. Run miles in search of a safe place to hole up for the night. Wake up and start off once again.

Time is when Nature does things- events that happen Now- each Now. There is no Tomorrow and no Yesterday! There is no clock and no clock time to bind and gag and govern when we MUST wake up and go to 'work'.

Gradually,however, we defeated the immediate dangers that threatened our survival- the wild animals that could kill were scared of the Fire we learnt to control. The elements of Nature that could drown us or blow us away or burn us to cinders or freeze us to icicles were tamed and we created safe shelters. We also realised that we could work so that the Nature, and her cycles provided us with safe food in summer or fall if we planted in spring.

We gained time and safety- and along with it a perspective. The perspective of Time- separate from the cycles of the Nature. This time could be the time to rest, and to eat, or simply to gaze at the sky and think.

Somewhere around 11:59:52 (The Time Paradox- Phil Zimbardo), our ancestors started creating wares that could be traded or sold. With this came the need to plan for a future where more wares could be bought- the more the buying power- the more the respect- and the longer it would last- FUTURE- became a perspective that defined the present and restricted it.

Now, our ancestors lost the immediate threats to life- they were safe and secure. They, instead, gained the perspective of the future- on the continued ability to provide the same safety for their children that they lived in their today. They took the day for granted and thought of tomorrow only in terms of what they needed to do to secure it.

Around 11:59:59 on Sagan's Cosmic calender, about 150 years ago, man became obsessed with time as we know it today. With the Industrial revolution defining the hours that a worker could work and the amount of work needed to generate the product that could be sold to generate the wealth that could secure tomorrow- man became a prisoner of the future. Each moment was a safe moment that he did not even care to acknowledge his own breath. He now needed to rush from sun up to sun down to simply create.

We are living that reality- a reality that often lets the greens of the trees rush past in a great blurr.

We are living in that reality that often fails to even cast a wistful eye on the clear blue sky and marvel at the Creator's sense of colour and grandiosity.

We are living in that reality where present is simply a moment that is soon in the past- where another few tens of thousands of calculations ( perhaps more) have already been done by the computer that click under our fingers that cannot type and tap fast enough!
Somewhere down the evolutionary time-scale, down the cosmic calender, we became creatures of the future while trying hard to keep up with a world that was fast speeding around us and leaving us in the past even in our present! After all- what ever we CAN experience has already taken place!

And whatever we WANT o experience MUST be created in the future!

Where did that blessed moment of the present breath slip away????

Breathe... Deeply...

2011-09-29T06:24:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

We all know how to breathe. Instinct and basic life force.

Because we all KNOW how to breathe and with very little effort can realise the change in breathing pattern in various circumstances.

When we are at peace...
When we are happy... or sad...
When we are agitated...

We only need to consciously modify our breath and breathing pattern and we can feel the emotions of that breathing pattern. In other words- by changing the pattern of breathing consciously, we can change the way we feel at any given moment.

Similarly... going back to a memory of a moment of utter bliss is not difficult. These memories make us look at our own life with a strange sense of peace and even longing when things are not going too well. What we fail to realise and recognise is the fact that we are totally connected with our environment at such times. And THAT feeling is duplicatable. Thinking back to such times, if we were to observe our wn body-

how we hold our head...
how we breathe...
how we move our arms and legs...
how we even look at the world...

... If we were to observe carefully each of these AT the moment that 'takes our breath away!' , we will be able to do ALL this - holding our head, breathing, moving, looking... at will.

What we were out of focus was the process and what we witnessed was the result. Now we DESIRE the result- we can start the process consciously and get the same breathtaking result! Starting from what was earlier the result, we can work our way back to the basis, the cause, the first principle.

It was the bliss that made us look and breathe and feel different. Now we can look and breathe and feel to kick start the process of experiencing the bliss. To the brain these are simply pieces of information- that are associated together. The experience of one leads naturally to another- order is irrelevant. It is the association that is the neural reality.

The brain and the mind, in their intricacy and their simplicity do NOT think in terms of a cause and effect. Rather things that exist together are bound to occur together.

Thus, whatever is easy to do, re-do, and re-re-do, can become a trigger for what has now become elusive.

So... if I simply THINK that I am in THE STATE- the State where I am healthy, full of energy, and HAPPY, teh mind will hunt for associations. The reasons are simply a construct of our intellect. Theyarenot the brain's natural ladder to climb. They are not the way the mind works!

Even consciousness cannot define the reality as it exists- merely as it is experienced. Though perception is reality for the individual, it is but a small figment of the whole firmament of the Universe.

Though perception is reality that defines our experience, we do not have to percieve for the reality to be.
What we experience is but a small part of the reality that simply IS.

All meditative exercises, in all spiritual and even religious traditions do nothing more than expand this circle of perception.

I said- EVEN religions- because these days being religious is confused with being spiritual. And, being spiritual is confused with a fuzzy undefinable concept of rising above reality.

In my opinion that could not be farther from the Truth. The small child does not know the science and cosmology of the sun, but enjoys the warmth of teh sun on a cold winter morning. The sun is just as real with, or without the knowledge of the celestial body itself.

We make the mistake of assuming that our perceived reality is THE reality.

And we always assume that if we go just a little further- we will be 'there'. Whereever that there is!

Scientists realise that we have only just begun to skim the surface of the Universe of Knowledge. And that fills them with a sense of wonder, awe and fascination of how the Universe is JUST right for us and for life to exist in the shape and form that it does.

Just right for us to be what and who we are!

As for the rest of us- we adopt one of the various attitudes to the world around us. Einstein said there are only two ways in which to live- one where everything is a miracle, and the other where nothing is!

The casual and unthinking, thoughtless existence that most of mankind is living makes the second attitude the more common one.

How do we forget that we are part of a fascinating Universe and that each little thing we feel and do is a miracle!?

We are all made of trillions of tiny particles we call cells. Each of these is capable and equipped to live and survive independently. Yet- the cluster that we call a person has something nebulous and intangible that none of the cells individually possess- consciousness.

The cluster has the capacity to see, to hear, to smell and to taste. And in case of humans, even the ability to THINK.

Each of these has been explained in terms of chemistry and chemical reactions by biologists- but we still do not know what goes away leaving all those cells intact - yet unable to line in that instant life is snuffed out by the reality of what we call death.

We have elaborately worked out the structure of what we call the brain and tried to explore what areas light up when we see and hear and feel etc. Yet... we have very little 'knowledge' of what is mind and what in fact is thought!

We must only make a beginning. We are likely to find connections and be able to recharge ourselves without ever having to compete with anyone else or anything else destructively.

If we have our cup full, as the Zen master says, and we refuse to empty is, our tea WILL run cold.

We will feel the lack of energy and will want to get it from somewhere. The Energy of the Universe is finite. So... taking it from others around us is a competition that makes one less in teh process of making one more. What we forget in this 'competition' is that the Universe has enough for everything that inhabits it.

We must open ourselves to the experience.

Meditation allows us to have that experience of getting out of a restricted and restrictive and limited circle of competing with fellow beings. It allows us to reconnect with the Source, with the Flow of free energy of the Universe.

The first thing to understand or even simply accept is that we do not know all that there is.

That does not alter the fact that IT IS.
And being open allows us to get a tiny glimpse and a shimmering feeling that 'something' has changed- increased, enhanced, become a little more.

Identifying that 'something' can come later. Or it may not come at all.

It would need a seeker.
It would need an attitude.
It would also need a sense of wonder and curiosity and total confidence that to be more we need not make anyone else less.
We could each start at whatever point we are. And we must keep moving- gently, surely. Because the Flow of the Universe and of the Energy is inevitable and WILL affect us. Even if we do not know it, or do not accept it.

It will have to work harder to cross the walls we erect, but it will affect us.
It will have to break the barriers we build, but it will affect us.
We can and will feel it working much faster by simply recognising that such an experience is possible.

The Masters say that whatever you believe in will be seen and will happen. For any belief to be part of your 'mind' it must have a corresponding energy in the environment- both internal and external.

For us to believe in the Divine, we have to base it on some perception. For us to live as an athiest, we base 'that' feeling on something we perceive.

Anyone who lives and believes anything- has to base it on something! He has to indirectly believe that something is making it all possible.

Few of us, however, even begin to seek!

And it can start now... with this breath- in this moment.

A morning in Paradise

2011-09-02T06:18:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

The Lodhi Garden is described as an Urban Oasis... And it is.

It is breathtakingly beautiful and paeceful despite the many people who throng to the lawns on most mornings.

And there are all kinds of people...
Young people who think they are never going to grow old and the old ones who know they will never grow young.

The old are more aware of the invincibility of Time and the young are more confident about their own. Neither view is conscious. Strangely the spectator who sees the two extremes walking the trails of the urban oasis realises the momentary nature of all human existence. And the futility of it all.

There was the old couple ambling along. They were bent over at their shoulders, both f them. They held on to each other's hands as if both could prop up the other but not hold up their own. They were smartly dressed for the early hour of the morning. The lady was dressed just as a lady would be- a muted steel grey dress with white shoes. The gentleman was exactly the picture you would see in a book- dressed in grey trousers and white shirt. They were totally engrossed in each other and were having an animated discussion about some family matter... oblivious to all who crossed their path or walked along at their own pace.

The two had all the time in the world- strangely- human beings begin to have all the time in the world when they have so little left! And they were not in a hurry. They were more in the moment than anyone else in their surrounding.

The snowy white hair were forming a divine halo around their heads and the peace on their faces was in defiance to the lack of it in the world around them. So easy it is to find whatever we are seeking if we have just one more sould we can share it whole-heartedly with!

And there was the other who had less aura and more tiredness in their faces, in their clothes as well as their walk. They were silent. But they were together. Their eyes seemed to be glazed with the myriad scenes they had seen and lived in the past. They were now resigned to life a of waiting. With so little time left to grace this world- it seemed like an eternal wait for something more meaningful in the hereafter.

Paradoxically, we have no time in our youth because we are so busy running that we cannot make out that we rae running to catch our own tail. And yet- youth is the time when we rae most prepared to face life- we have time ahead to reap the crop we sow, an we have, hopefully sown a good crop.

And then, we slow down some. We find that the time no longer runs so fast that we cannot catch it. We have little left in the treasury, but it moves ever so slowly.

The bottomline however, is not that the time moves fast or slow... it is that we move so fast or so slow that the Time mirrors our movement. Some call it Relativity... but is not that, too. Time is just another co-ordinate in space/time. It is we who move through time, not time that moves.

We are but a figment in the firmament of the Universe and we are simply momentary bubbles that will burst- sometimes in a moment and sometimes in a littlelonger than a moment.... But it the moment that is real and experienced by Man... a moment that forms a part of his Eternity... and the History of teh Universe.

Becoming watchful of these moments slows doen the Time for all of us. We suddenly find we can fill much more of a living, learning and loving in the same time.

We realise- by slowing ourselves down that it is possible to slow down our experience of Time. And our individual reality, too.

No time for regrets.
No time for pain.
No time for anguish.

And... Time... for everything- still.

Still trying to catch a Zen moment!

2011-08-31T06:47:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Reading this book was in itself an experience.

This was one book that even I had to read making my own 'notes' to keepa track of all that teh author had to say! And that is saying a lot, I think!

And then, reading on, suddenly I saw my own hand blown out of proportion... The lines I was reading suddenly jumped out of teh page and right into my mind. The clarity was mind blowing. And beauty of the moment was breath taking. It was precisely this kind of experience that the 12th Insight said humans could have when they were on a path of self discovery and discovery of a higher purpose.

There was definitely a moment where everything fused into me and I became a part of everything around me. But I was not having a any great revelations about any higher purpose. Infact, I was feeling a desperate need to hold on to just this kind of moment because it could make my moments more breathtaking- more bearable than the mess I found myself in.

Yes... It is possible to find rapture.
Yes... It is possible to find beauty.
Yes... It is possible to find allignment.
Yes! Yes!! Yes!!!

Following up on Project Zen

2011-08-30T11:16:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

I had a dream. A ery uneasy dream. I also knew in the dream that I was dreaming. I was searching- looking- and unable to find... Sanjay.

Knowing this was a dream, I wanted to wake myself up and be done with it. And I was also afraid that it was already morning- so I did not want to wake up lest the 'morning dream' become a nightmarish reality.

I love Sanjay.

I was extremely uneasy not being able to find Sanjay anywhere in my dream. I looked high and low. I looked everywhere. I looked at home, and outside. I looked at work and in the market place. I could not find him. And I have never felt this sad, and lost for the want of another human being.

Waking up, finally to the call of the morning by Sanjay himself was comfototing. It was reassuring to find him so naturally present HERE. NOW.

So many years have passed since we got to know each other that we sometimes lose count. Cliched as it sounds- We do forget the dates and years- sometimes. What stays ever fresh is the feeling. It is as if the years are not important- moments are.

I love. Words that are profound, yet mundane. This smile- this feeling- this love- it is great to be loved and to love.

It is reassuring to have ONE person who loves you - irrespective.

It is more than a Zen blessing to have a man love you this much and to feel as much love for him.

I love Sanjay! Froggy and all!! With glasses and without. In good moods and bad ( well...) And in each little moment that I can I d not tire of telling him how much he means to me... It is really unimportant how he feels simply because I know he feels the same way.

Love is a warmth that can outlast the coldest night. It is that safety net that catches you no matter how high you fell from. It is that feeling you have when on the road, you realise someone is waiting at home. Home is so because love stays there.

My love. Your love. Our love.

Zen moment of the day

2011-08-25T09:32:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

The sky was speaking a language... The language of beauty and of hope. The silver tint of the clouds of doubt!!
And golden, too!
And the rays radiated out in a shower of light that made the sky dramatic and breathtaking.
The dirt road was there- and not there.
The Light poles were there with the wires and they ere also not there!!
The sky overpowered every other element in the scene. The sky was high and dark and broight and greya nd colourful, it was serious and dramatic, it was every little emotion rolled into a big one.
And the clouds just got better and better with each minute.
This sky tells us unambiguously that 'it' is all there. Always.
The pole reaches for the clouds. And punctuates them. It is possible to rise over all the dirt that you may encounter in life. And even if all you see is grey, you will find a riot of colour- soon enough. Hidden.

My Zen moment of the day-6

2011-08-20T10:51:00.000-07:00

Today... definitely was not a great day. Positively did not deliver the moment I was looking for. I thought I just had to find that elusive moment.

And the day was done. I had not had many patients in the headache clinic. I did a lot of reading and encountered a lot of mind-blowing stuff but nothing that took me to the edge. I took a few moments of solitude and thought. It still eluded me.

I had just finished cooking the dinner. And the kitchen looked awe-inspiring. The everyday mundane stuff that I had been taking for granted. Ergonomics at their practical best. I really love my kitchen. I even took a picture- I would surely not be able to find another moment in the day.

But the surprise came from the most unlikely source!! Sanjay wanted my phone- and when I asked him why- he smiled. It was the same smile that took my heart away so many years ago that it seems another era!

He said he wanted to play games! This was unprecedented! Sanjay- and games?! I-phone has accomplished what nothing else has been able to do till date. The fun and the lessons of 'games' are lost on this man. I sometimes do wish he would loosen up and have a laugh. He does have a great sense of humor but one that does not make him laugh- he has those dead pan ones that can tickle the most serious of the specimens of humanity. But Sanjay rarely laughs.

He took my phone and dialled his own number. And the screen lit up! It was one of the most beautiful images of mine that I have seen in the recent past. Saniya had taken that picture with his phone. And it was a great moment- head tilted just a bit to the sky- the smile like a sunrise-daring the world to go dark and the pen in one hand that gives the picture a punctuation mark! It was a game that this man played- and he won me over- once more.

Sanjay is truly a blessing.

I love this man. More than I can say. Much more than he can ever imagine... but the zen moment brought alive the feeling of being loved and being in love once more.

My Zen moment of the day-6

2011-08-19T07:40:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Till just a few minutes ago, everything was a blurr. Life was going by, passing by, rushing by. I seriously thought that the day would finish and I would not be able to find that Zen moment. The day has been an unimpressive one with nothing that really took my breath away.

When there are too many patients, one finds oneself quite overwhelmed, and quite unable to put up with the deluge. But today, I realised that I had become so used to being totally occupied with the caring that not caring was more overwhelming.

The day being a Friday in the Ramadan, there were very few patients in the OPD. Or probably it was Anna's arrival at the Ramlila Grounds that took away people.

Whatever it was the fact that there was less to do was actually disheartening. And difficult.

Grappling with the inner conflict I have been looking for ONE great moment each day- simply to shift my focus and my energy. And I was getting beaten at my own game.

Then I got an sms from a teacher- one who is like a tender parent- one who likes to spread warmth and happiness...

And I walked into his presence feeling the whole world bearing down on me.

I walked out feeling stronger and more able to deal with whatever the world may have in store for me. Good cards or bad. I can play that hand. And not only- I can play it- I can win it too.

And the Zen moment struck not in his presence- but when I left from his presence. It struck while I was walking out and became stronger and stronger as I kept walking. It became sharply focused with the driving wheel in my hand.

I HAVE to make the choice to HOLD the steering wheel of my emotions, become the driver of my own car and my life!

And I am good at that.

The sense of recovered control was an immense relief. After many many day and even months, I felt in control- once more.

Sometimes, it takes a moment to flip that switch and a vision that transforms the sky full of clouds into a dramatically beautiful breathtaking vista that colours the world pink and orange and purple and all the wonderful shades of the rainbow.

The clouds are the same. The colours are suddenly more visible.
The person is the same, the personality suddenly more obvious.

To that moment...
Everyday...

My Zen moment of the day-5

2011-08-18T10:05:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Today's Zen moment happened early in the day- really early. This is the view of and from the dashboard of my car.

When we got into the car to go to school in the morning, two boxes of Nescafe Vanilla coffee were invitingly placed on the dashboard. They were attractive, bright- and- COFFEE!!!

But the Zen moment was not just finding them invitingly placed there- it was having Moksh look at them with total and utter fascination and adoration. He was even slurping as if he could really taste the coffee!

A child's imagination can make any moment touch eternity. A child's imagination can bring alive the world in the immediate and make everything else irrelevant.

It was suddenly unimportant that we could get late because Saniya was not yet ready. It was suddenly irrelevant that we had to wait for Saniya to come out.

We could simply... enjoy... our coffee! Without even having the cup in our hand.

When I grow old, I would love for my children to keep this feeling and this imagination alive. I would love for them to feel that good decoration could be having book shelves, or cycles, or music, or pictures - or whatever else it is that lights up their inner fires. And THAT can be totally different from the world's view of what is the way a sitting room should look- but it is their own personality that they live- comfortably, happily.

And yes, Moksh may really be able to carry this moment into his future and be able to live it once again with his own children- not waiting or wanting to hold the cup to be able to feel the coffee in his system...

God bless our children. they make us realise that life has more to it than everyday living, and the most profound moments are hidden in the most mundane. We only need to be alive and open enough to experience them.

My Zen moment of the day- 4

2011-08-17T12:15:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Lately I have been feeling so rock bottom low that I launched my Zen Moment of the Day project simply to start celebrating the little things that CAN make a day better.

Today was a tough one... Nothing that particularly took my breath away, nothing that made me transcend the present- till... I got into the car and put on the stereo! It was a very personal and a personalised musical experience.

It was as if Shania was speaking for me, singing what I would have sung, feeling what I was feeling!

When you are THAT low- there's only one up from here!!

So here's to the Zen moment of today- Shania Twain's Up! An amazing song- wonderful music, and beautiful lyrics...

UP!
It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way
Yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily

Even my skin is acting weird
I wish that I could grow a beard
Then I could cover up my spots
Not play connect the dots
I just wanna disappear

Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here

Even something as simple as
Forgettin' to fill up on gas
There ain't no explanation why
Things like that can make you cry
Just gotta learn to have a laugh

Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here

Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...

When everything is goin' wrong
Don't worry, it won't last for long
Yeah, it's all gonna come around
Don't go let it get you down
You gotta keep on holding on

It's 'bout as bad as it could be
Seems everybody's buggin' me
Like nothing wants to go my way
Yeah, it just ain't been my day
Nothin's comin' easily

Up--up--up--
Can only go up from here
Up--up--up--Up
where the clouds gonna clear
Up--up--up--
There's no way but up from here

Oh-- I'm going up
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh-- I'm going up
Oh yeah, yeah, yeah...

So... There is really no way but up from here! A fresh perspective. A new outlook.

My Zen moment of the day-3 ii

2011-08-16T08:55:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Each time I pick up the scalpel, I transcend the reality of a physical existence and transform into someone who feels magic of working with nature and fusing with the divine.

I lose myself and feel some presence take over. I admire the surgical field as if a spectator. Somewhere I am the one wielding the knife and the one carrying out the motions but it is something bigger and finer that takes over. I m grateful for that presence in my life. It allows me to experience the divine each time I operate. It makes me experience the moment powerfully each time I perform a surgery.

Today was no different. What was even more gratifying was the fact that perhaps, the Divine was making the field much cleaner, bloodless and artistic than could be expected clinically.

This Zen moment made me realise the presence of a transcendent reality in each moment that opens a divine experience for each of us if only we open ourselves to feeling it!

My Zen moment of the day-3

2011-08-16T08:35:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

So far so good! I seem to be doing better than I thought I would or could!

For today there are several moments that could make the day momentous. ;-) I will try and stick with two.

The coffee came with a breath-taking aroma. I was sitting facing a transparent glass face obliquely. The background was full of noises about Anna and the outrage of his being put away, somewhat secretly- taken to an unknown location.

The view outside the cafe was also breath-taking- the rain had washed all the dirt and grime from the trees and the roads. Delhi was looking like a clean clean place to be- the politics notwithstanding.

The book I was reading also was enough of a handful and mindful to actually make me force myself to look up and out rather than simply enjoy the wonderful day.

Then I saw the cup- The smile.The smiling heart. I saw this as the sign. Things are about to change. Incidentally the book I am reading is also on Change. Anna is also fighting for a change. The usually grimy and hot Delhi was also changed today.

Lots of change around- and lots to divert attention from the moment... but the cup held me. Transfixed. It was too joyful to let the moment pass.

Sometimes one has to just stop.
And become a spectator rather than the player.
Watch the drama unfold. In wonder and awe at the possibilities, the alternative universes that can open up each fleeting moment.
And sit back and let the flow of NOW take over.

I not only loved the smell of the coffee, I also loved the look of the coffee, and the taste and the warmth of the hot fluid warming my cold vessels. The feel of the cup in my hand reminded me that even the cold can be and will be overcome.

The coffee pleased all my senses.

My Zen moment of the day-2

2011-08-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

The sky was overcast and the sun did not rise at all! A lazy morning in bed- awake and yet not so. The day was truly independence from all time bindings.

Wonderful weather and beautiful moments fused into the promise the day held.

Suddenly Neeraj called," Wanna go for a long drive?"

"The weather is wonderful and we'll waste it sitting inside at home", we thought. "What the heck! Cancel the music class. Get ready and GO!"

And we did. The day lived up to the promise. Cool breeze. And great company. A drive along a great highway and soulful music. It could not be better!!!

But all this was not what I would call my ZEN moment of the day! Great as it was- it was nothing equal to the surprise we experienced late in the evening!

My Zen moment of the day was seeing Vinny in my drawing room! Arguably one of my BEST friends- back from the US as a surprise and what a surprise!

He knocked the breath out of me. I could only look and feel his presence and try to pinch myself to believe he could actually be sitting on my sofa and talking to me! And his parents (That is the argument! Who is a better friend- his parents or him!?) sitting alongside gleefully grinning in the astonishment written all over me... That was The Zen moment of my day today. Hugging Vinny- believing the impossible and experiencing the limit of the possibilities in the small universe we call home.

Friends rock. And they are what makes the rock music such a fantastic discharge and recharge- preparing us to be able to face the world again!

So... Thanks to Neeraj, we did something TOTALLY outlandish and unplanned today- and immensely enjoyed it. And we also tasted the icing on the cake seeing Vinny back home- today.

The Zen moment

2011-08-14T23:50:00.001-07:00

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Walking out of a class that did not happen, with a head full of thoughts that could not be caught and headed for a corner that would not be defined- I had to figure things out for myself.
Not a very great place to be- some would say.
I say- It is a place of new beginnings. It is a place that allows me to leave behind whatever is not working for me- including myself!

What is it that I want from myself today? This s a question that has confused me enough and troubled me enough to make me want to rethink EVERYTHING in my life.

Why do I work? Why do I do the work I do? What makes me happy- truly happy? What would be my deepest regret were I to die today? Would there be anything powerful enough to hold me back to the life I live today?

What am I looking for? What do I want? WHY?

What is love? What is happiness? What is it that everyone is running for and after?

My mind is full of thoughts that are running at break neck speed- and are so hard to catch. It is a wonder that I have simply descended a flight of stairs and so much has already gone through my head!

I come back to the world. To Now.

I notice the black grill that fences the edge of the stairs in a school. Among the lines and breaking the linearity are tiny bead-like globes- two on each bar.

It sets me pondering..."Why did I not notice these earlier?"

And then, I realise why I notice them today is also not because they catch my eye in their own right but the man who is focussing all his attention on them!

He is young, but not too young. He may be in his mid forties. He has a white head band tied in a single knot across his forehead, quite like the Zen masters in folklore. The whiteness sharply contrasts with the dirty workclothes he is wearing. The workclothes are stained with grease and grime- and pigment, some black and some red. Aah! The colours of teh fence!!

He is wearing a pair of black plastic rimmed glasses that impart a definite aura of a great scientist at work. The work he is doing and the clothes he is wearing somehow are so incongruous with the assumed mundane nature of the job of painting a grill.

He holds a fine brush in his right hand and is focussing on one single globe. The brush is held lightly between the fingers and the thumb that expertly move the paint to coat the bead in precise and well marked out outstanding red colour.

The concentration is worthy and reminiscent of a Zen master or of the scientist. The job is that of a painter. He is defining a line that limits and defines the red from the black. The black bar was broken and punctuated by the red dot.

His attention was unwaveringly on teh red dot. It was as if the line from his eye to his shoulder through his arm and the brush fused the grill with the painter. And in a sense they were ONE.

He was a deeper than a Zen master in the moment- and the bandana emphasised the picture, heightened it.

How long has this Zen master been painting fences?! Is each fence a work of art? Does he even realise the power he wields in his hand?

How many of us feel the same feeling during a work day?

WHat are we willing to do to feel that way on an ongoing basis in our life?

Are we willing to come from that place of utter love and sheer force that makes everything else non-existent?

Are we even capable of that single ZEN moment each day- ONE moment that touches eternity and renders everything else unimportant?

I am going to give this a try- for the next thirty daysI am going to look for and try to find ONE Zen moment in my day- and I am going to write about my Zen moment EACH day.

It could be anything and last for a fleeting moment or for an hour- more or less- but I am looking for a moment of bliss and bless. A moment of fulfilment. One moment each day for the next thirty days.

My 30 day challenge.

I know I failed my last thirty day challenge. And I also know that Past is not equal to Future because there is a very important link of the present in between...

Even the longestlife lived on this planet by the turtles who live to a hundred and fifty years or more is but a figment , a fleeting moment or even less in the life of the Universe. What fills our experience and our heads is the feeling that WE define our Universe- which ofcourse, we do, but it is our Universe that transcends infinity and mystery.

I made my SFGTD box!

2011-08-07T12:00:00.000-07:00

A few days ago, I received a mail from a friend. It reminded me that much as we believe our life moves because we make some decisions and that we decide to do or think or feel in a certain way- God above could have other ideas.

This mail was a reminder that God will take care of anything that troubles any of His children- but He will do it only in his own good time. This would mean that He would need to know that His child had left something to Him.

The mail further went on to ask everybdy to have a Something For God To Do Box and put those trouble in it that are seemingly insurmountable. And forget them.

That is what I did.

I made a box. Called it my SFGTD box, put my troubles in it and forgot about it! Now I have faith. He will do what is best. He seems to be having His fun right now and hopefully feeling proud of how much His children can bear. He may be conducting a test of nerves and of patience. He knows He will only give as much trouble as we can bear. It will only make us stronger and better.And then, He will send the solution, too.

Hopefully it will be a solution that will make the world a better place. It will be a reminder of how the apple falls right where it is supposed to!

You see, long long ago, when God was giving apples to all of His children, people queued up to receive them. A tiny child heard that God was giving away apples. He also got into the queue. The people moved ever so slowly, took their allotted apple and went their way. There were so many of them that the young child got really exhausted just waiting for the apple to fall in his outstretched hands.

The sun travelled all the way across the skies- and the day was done. The child was very close to giving up but reminded himself that the apple would change everything. That the apple would be the reward of waiting this long.

God was observing. He was looking forward to brushing hands with this boy. He noticed, however, that there was only one apple left for the day... He threw this apple right at the boy. Utterly exhausted, the boy could not catch it- and it fell to the ground. And when it fell, the boy noticed that the apple was overripe and discoloured from the side.

The boy was very surprised... But asked God- What can I do with this apple, O Lord!?

God's reply was simple, " Come back for another one tomorrow, my son!"

So the boy came back the next day. The God gave him another apple. This one also fell out of his hands. And God told him to come again. This went on for a few days.

God kept throwing the apple away, and the boy kept coming back each day- till finally God came across a bright, shiny, red and juicy apple. God picked up the apple, looked it over with a critical eye, and delicately placed the apple on the child's palm.

The boy was overjoyed. But he stopped... And asked... "Why?"

God answered," My son, you were so patient and so good, that you HAD to have the best possible apple. Each time you came along, the apple in m hand had some defect- either it was not ripe enough, or it was over-ripe. Some apples were just not big enough and some were not sweet enough. You deserved something more than even I had at that time.

So... I waited for the right apple to match you. This is THE apple.

So... when you are thinking why God is waiting and not letting you have the apple that HE seems to have given almost everyone else- remember- He is waiting for the BEST to drop into your hands.

He ALWAYS has you in mind. ALWAYS.

the long and lonely road

2011-08-06T05:09:00.001-07:00

P1240199, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

I am on a path.
I have not seen where it leads. I know not even where I stand when I stand today. I have to take a leap of faith and keep walking.

Yet I know I am living in allignment with my true north. I love doing what I do today- and love being who I am today. There are, admittedly, areas where I want to BE more- but not very many where I want to HAVE more.

Were I to die in my sleep tonight, I would have only one regret- that I would not see my children grow to adulthood that I would not have contributed to shaping their world view and their self view. And THAT would be a deep, deep regret.

Sometimes it is lonely.
Sometimes I feel tired, too.
And all I can do is hold on- and hold up. And I can hope to find just one person - just one more person who is walking on the same road.
Someone who will make it possible for me to realise that I am not alone. That there are others who feel like I do- who think like I do and live like I do.
And once in a while- a kindred spirit does come along and holds your hand and holds you up- and lets you know that they understand.
They tell you exactly- "I know and I understand!"
And what's more- you can see it in their eyes!
And that makes all the difference...

When FLOW takes over

2011-05-24T11:30:00.000-07:00

Flow... the feeling of losing yourself in whatever you are doing... It is a feeling when the result becomes irrelevant, only the activity captures our full attention. It is the feeling that ONLY this matters. Of course, the results are disproportionately high.

Flow is when you experience the joy of simply watching the child take the first few tottering steps. It is also the feeling you experience when you climb the highest mountain you have conquered. Flow is the psychology of the optimal experience. It is pure and present experience of total immersion.

A teacher experiences the feeling when the class is at the verge of a breakthrough and do not even hear the bell ring. A surgeon experiences it when he is in the OR and everything disappears from consciousness except his hands and the patient.

A mother feels the same feeling in the touch of a small hand, fingers curled tight around her own. The father feels the same feeling when the son dons the cap at graduation. Flow is the unique feeling we can create at any time and in any activity.

Thinking back to today's OT, each case was different, unique and an experience of total immersion. I was in flow. I knew nothing else than what was happening under my hands.

It was a great day. And a blessed one. I am grateful... grateful for all the blessings. Grateful for all the opportunity to fell the mojo. Grateful for the blessing life really is.

Thank you God for the life we live. And the joy you give. Thank you God for the food we eat and the love we have. Thank you God for everything.

Spending a few moments in deep gratitude can transform our inner environment. And change our perception of the outer, too.

My world.

2011-05-21T05:46:00.000-07:00

Life is great... the sun is hiding behind the clouds and the green of the plants is shining through as if they are lit from within. And may be they are. All the trees are full of young leaves that look golden green. This somehow lights up the tree. And if that tree happens to be an Amaltaas- WOW!!! Delhi is full of these wonderful trees with few leaves and loads of dangling flowers that take over the mind scape and the landscape.

The scene is surreal. The birds are also flying low- covering all the trees that the eye can see, sitting on the electricity poles when they can. So many birds! And then you are brought back to the reality of the moment by that insolent driver behind you who blows his horn so hard that you get assaulted out of your reverie despite windows that are rolled up. Why? The light is still red. There are a couple of cars and a bus in front of me. If they do not move, can I? Will blowing the horn get the first car to move BEFORE the light signal permits it to?

Why is there so much noise in our world? Why are the people so taken over by the need to be loud and to be heard? And is there a way we can find our internal compass and silence in the noise? Is there a place where we can find that light that seems to be coming from within the trees start to come from within us?

Where can we see our light?
Where will we hear our silence?
When?
How?
NOW?

There is so much I want to do!

2011-04-13T14:23:00.000-07:00

There is so much I want to do that I sometimes wonder if I will ever be able to do it all, or even a little. Then I begin to feel the feeling deep in my heart and my gut that I can, and already AM doing SOMETHING... surely that counts for something! Even if I cannot do ALL that I want to, I must keep doing SOME of it- everyday, day after day. And the drops will form a downpour- and the oceans can only be formed by several drops seen together.

So I must see what is it that drives the inner engine each day?
What makes me glad to be alive everyday?
What makes me want to wake up each morning?

I do not want to make earth shattering changes...
I want to make people happy, and I want to make people believe in their own force- to heal themselves, to heal their families and their friends.

I want to make Math and English as fascinating in schools as I find them at 42, I want to be able to make it possible for children to THINK and come up with solutions, to feel each problem as a fascinating challenge that is an opportunity for growth.

I want to make each person I see, or talk to feel that they are supremely powerful and believe they can make a difference.

I want to start a movement that can spread from one to two to two each to four each and grow in a viral manner- and take over the minds of people in my country and in the world that it is basically a Happy and young place.

I want to make people believe that nice is great and important can be nice.

I want to make it possible for people to identify what is really important in their lives BEFORE it is too late to appreciate it.

I want people to feel love and find their roses in their own gardens, as well as accept the thorns that must be handled with care.

I want to see the world a brighter happier place with smileys, LARGE yellow ones, in nooks and crannies that we often do not wander into, but could simply stumble upon. I want to see the world a more quiet, noise free place where people can respect each other for what and who they are.

I want to do all of that and then some more...

I want to inspire and be inspired and I want the globe to be a lighted inspired community...

I want people to be friends and have an attitude of gratitude.

I want- also- that when one feels the pain, they be allowed to cry... that they be nurtured and told it is OK! That the sun does rise again- irrespective.

Utopian? Romantic? Dreamy?
Possibly...
But it is a lot of things to do in a very short time. And thank God for that!! My life is so busy, I do not have the time to be really sad or angry for too long. My life is so full that I do not have much space for too much hurt or resentment for very long either.

Don't get me wrong!

I do have my pains and my moments of utter despair.

I do have my days of having gotten up from the wrong side of the bed.

I, too have my feelings of intense anger- even wanting to smash someone's nose! (And I am an ENT Surgeon!! So may be I can fix that!) And I know THAT can be a punishable offence! SO good sense soon takes over.

The point is, through all of it- the moments of anger, despair, pain, sadness are momentary and short lived. The overall complexion of my life is THANK GOD!

Thank God for the wonderful man I have for a husband who I am still madly in love with after nearly twenty five years of knowing him.

Thank God for the parents who gave me the strength and the gumption to stand out in a crowd and not feel like a sore thumb and taught me I could do ANYTHING I decided to.

Thank God, for the lovely children who love me, who drive me crazy and who make me go in circles, both in amusement and in sheer desperation.

Thank God for my friends who accept me in all my moods- warts and all- and love me MOST of the days.

Thank God for a wonderful place to work where people love me and allow me to make a difference each day. And even when they do not love me like I want to be loved they compel me to do better each day!

Thank God for each breath I take because it opens up new mysteries and throws new things to do or see in the world around me.

Thank God!

If there is one thing- only one thing I would be able to leave behind when I depart, it is for my children, my friends and everybody else who has known me to have this attitude of being glad to be alive and ready to live the mystery with love and abandonment, with honesty and sincerity and with the wonder that this life truly deserves.

And a feeling that THEY- each of them, can make a difference.

words...

2011-03-23T13:10:00.000-07:00

I am and always have been fascinted by the written word. I write- and I speak with passion about the things I want to change, about the things I want my children and their friends to experience.

And because I thought they were missing the magic of the language, I started a Book Club with my children and their friends. We read and we explored and we laughed and we cried. We also were spell-bound many a time at the profundity or the stupidity or even the depth or the shallowness of what we encountered. But we always, always, always had fun.

We were always inspired to pick up one more star-fish... and catch just one more star... and gather just a little bit more of the stardust we could feel floating around us but could not see.

We needed to open our eyes as well as keep our hands outstretched to catch the light beams that were bouncing back and forth, lighting up our world. We knew there could be darkness and there would be despair and there could be fear, but we also knew that the only way out was to have the little voice and the little light ready. One tiny pin can shatter the silence. One minute beam can wipe out the darkness.

And that is all it takes.

We MAY have all the pain that the body can bear just as easily as we CAN have all the blessings we want. The eyes AND the heart, and the hands- all need to be open to receive. And we WILL have to let go of the past that sits in the tea cup of life- running cold to be able to gather some warm tea that can comfort our insides.

How many people can I reach? May be not many.

How many hurts can I wipe out? May be not many.

How many star fish can I save? May be not many.

But each person that I can touch, each urt that I can wipe out, and each star fish that I save will be that one step closer to the kind of world I can imagine possible.

And if I can think it- I can do it.

So can you... and you... and you...

Someone told me that what they were doing was just a drop in the ocean. Just a drop? I exclaimed? JUST A DROP? It is THE drop(s) that make the ocean!!

The signs are everywhere!

2011-02-17T07:12:00.000-08:00

The rosary broke!

It was simply held in the hand. The right one, the dominant hand held the rosary in a gentle loose grip in the palm. There was no stretch on the string. The beads had been freshly strung. The string was strong and thick. It had been in the neck of a saint for some time before reaching the hands that held the beads with deep reverence.

The chant in the morning was for peace on earth.

Entering the doorway, there was a lingering, nagging thought, 'Careful! The rosary might break!'

It had not been caught in anything. There was no physical pull from anywhere. There was, nevertheless a strange feeling of impending doom.

The beads were clear, and crystalline. They brought the world into a sharp focus. You only had to look. The saint had put a lot of energy into this rosary, and a lot of love. This was a shield for the person who now held it. And did not realise it.

Strange are the ways of Almighty. He sends the strong winds that threaten to blow you off the planet; then makes sure there is a powerful force that holds you steadfastly. So strong is this force that it both exposes you to the full fury of the storm, and also shields you from the anger that threatens to burn you to cinders.
This protective shield makes sure you understand that you CAN face anything- even this! It makes sure you realise that God does not give you anything that you cannot face; and that He cares, He keeps giving the life force through unbeknown sources.

This shield has the power Guru's chants gave it. It deflects all that could wilt your fragile heart and subtly directs whatever can strengthen your soul, straight to your heart.

You feel the force, and reeling under the onslaught, you desperately seek a straw to hold on to. You do not realise that to struggle is futile. In fact, if you struggle, you will go under!

Let the wave wash over you. Be carried. God has made sure your guardian angels ALWAYS watch over you.

Look at the event as it happens. As if you are both a part of it, and a mere spectator- watching it from outside.

You may find a few tears brim over. Cry.
You may find your breath stuck for just a fraction of a moment. Hold it.
It is in the flow of the tears that you will lose the pain.
It is in the held breath that you will find eternity.

Sometimes, it is easy to react. And then, you are bound again...
When the storm blows, you could be cancelling the past Karma. Karma is relentless. When you resist and fight the storm, you end up generating fresh Karma that must be neutralised later.

So watch. And difficult as it seems, forgive and let it go. Take help when you feel overwhelmed. Know that God and Guru are always around the corner.

The signs are always there. Help, and shield... is ALWAYS around the corner.
You only have to look.
You only have to hear.

The long and winding road...

2011-02-17T06:32:00.001-08:00

SDhawan7608, originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

Sometimes all we can do is just take the next step and then the next and then, one more. We can see a dead end approaching. There seems to be no way you could go on. But, you must. And you do.

Then you are glad you did!

It was not just the greens by the side of this road that held you captive and mesmerised on the road. There was something more. And THAT was purpose! The climb is arduoous. The going is tough. And the vision limited. But simply going on gets you past the point where the road seemed to end.

You realise that it only SEEMED to end. The bend is just that- the bend! It is not the end. And the road will go on.

You will take the road and turn right around in the same direction that you came from. Just a tiny fraction of inclination that is different takes you to a totally new destination.

In life it is the small that carries the mystery and the wonder. In life it is the perseverance that bears the fruit. In life you MUST carry on.

And the signs are everywhere. It requires only the keen eye to see and attentive ears to hear.

Often we get lost in the beauty that surrounds us and forget to keep walking. You may stop. Rest. Drink some water from the little stream that splashes in front of you. But... you must go on...

Do you know where you are going?

2011-02-03T11:14:00.001-08:00

he walks... alone..., originally uploaded by naturewalker.

There are times when we walk. Aimlessly. Just to keep putting that one foot ahead of the other. Tiredness in our bones and restlessness in our soul- one that makes it impossible to go on and the other that makes it impossible to stop!

And if you do not have that restlessness, you will give up. It is a blessing from the Nature to provide that streak- it might just light up one small, tiny, crevice that opens into the next beautiful valley. It might just push and prod enough for the journey to be continued in spite of the exhaustion. Despite being all alone. To go on.

After all why are we born? What must we do in order for this life to be what it can be? And why must it be anything at all? these are questions many have asked before and will continue to do so in the future. Are we here for a reason?

The physicists are now beginning to believe that we may indeed have hit the Jackpot!

http://www.amazon.com/Cosmic-Jackpot-Universe-Just-Right/dp/0618592261/ref=sr_1_10?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1296759727&sr=1-10

Paul Davies makes a clear case for there being some Grand design at work. He says it is highly unlikely that we had everything going JUST right for the life to take the form it did and not wither away in some ethereal realm of the Universe.

Even the gravity we experience is just right for life to sustain itself. Had it been any less, and we would not have had the medium for life to survive. Had it been any more, we would not have formed!

That everything is JUST right appears no fluke of Nature. That everything obeys certain laws appears no fluke of Nature. That we may or may not acknowledge these laws makes not a bit of difference to these laws!

We will go on- regardless.
We HAVE to!
We CAN and, should try and see where we are headed just so that we reach!

Are you ready to reach? Or will you just go on??

Garden of 5 (non)Senses

2010-12-28T10:32:00.001-08:00

Garden of 5 (non)Senses, originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

कहीं पर पत्थर, कहीं पर झाढ़ , कहीं पर इमारते, कहीं पर ख़ाक और इन सब के ऊपर खुल्ला आसमान. बिलकुल नीला. और एकदम साफ़. सब को समेटता हुआ अम्बर इन पथरीली राहों को कहीं धूप और कहीं छांव देता है.

ज़िन्दगी तो क्षण- भंगुर है. आज है, कल नहीं. इस छोटी सो ज़िन्दगी में लोग भीड़ में खो से जाते हैं और जब खुद नहीं भी खोते तो अपनों को ढूंढ नहीं पाते!

क्या आज को नज़र अंदाज़ कर, कल पर कदम जमाया जा सकता है? क्या बीते हुए कल के निशाँ अपनी ज़िन्दगी की राह से पूरी तरह मिटाए जा सकते हैं? क्या आने वाला कल इन्ही पथरीली राहों पर चलेगा? या... हुम, तुम, यह, और कोई और भी अपने अहम् को त्याग कर इन पत्थरों में भी फूल खिला सकेंगे?

क्या जीवन इन पत्थरों और काँटों के बिन भी इतना ही सार्थक हो पायेगा?

इन पत्थरों का, इन राहों का, सब का एक महत्त्व है हमारे जीवन में. इन सब को एक समान गले लगाना ही इस जीवन की सब से बड़ी शिक्षा है.

जब चलना ही इन राहों पर तो गिरने से क्या डरना?

In another life

2010-12-28T09:43:00.001-08:00

In another life, originally uploaded by Just Jelena Jankovic.

Life is fragile. Fickle. And momentary.

The candle burns away- leaving blobs of wax, and smoke. The light does not outlast the candle. But it can.

One candle may light up one or ten or a hundred or several thousands of other candles. Each of these can then spread the same light. And spread the warmth that defines life.

A happy life is a meaningful life.

A happy life is a life of pleasure and pain, of engagement and of anticipation, of living- and dying each moment.

A happy life is a life of significance. Like the candle...

The energy of the Universe is finite, just as the entropy of the Universe is finite. When one life is extinguished another one sprouts up somewhere else.

The soil toils for the plant that grows and the leaves that fall finally return the elements to the soil that generated it. The life forms do the same at another plane... They are born, they grow and they die- merging finally in the pool that generates another being some place, some time.

Birth and death are simply means of cycling the energy in this vast Universe. We know but a figment of this vast firmament.

We may let out light die away and merge with the elements. Or we may consciously light up several others who feel life is a significant force and indeed make this life a significant force.

Headed for each other . . .

2010-12-27T10:41:00.001-08:00

Headed for each other . . ., originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

What would be the difference between hapiness and contentment?

One does not need millions to be happy.

One does not need a massive mansion to be happy.

One does not need a soft cushioned bed to be happy.

All that you need is to have the peace of mind that gives you the freedom to leave everything to God ( did you see the begging vessel?) and allow yourself to sleep. Sleep with not a worry to crease your forehead. Sleep with not a thought to what tomorrow will bring.

Perhaps tomorrow will be better. Perhaps it will be the same.But who the hell cares?

There are people who will live every day like they lived every yesterday. And every day prior to that.

They will pass their days as if nothing matters.

Then there are those who pass each day in wonder that the life is, the rewards it brings, they celebrate each little victory. And find their happiness in the air. They find their joy in their daughter's kiss and their son's hug. They find their joy in the cold when they breathe out smoke on cold cold ice creams, and in the heat when the first rain makes everything around them smell so wonderful that...

Yes... happiness is a funny thing. It alights on your shoulder if you only stop. And pause a moment. If you try to run after it and catch it- it will fly away, never to be caught.

You cannot find your happiness trying to run after it. You find your happiness in your own garden, in the dust and the grime of everyday living, and working and winning and... finally being able to sleep the moment you hit the pillow.

Happiness expands your brain!

2010-12-27T10:26:00.001-08:00

Masti ki Paathshala !!!, originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

Happiness expands your brain! Yes! It truly does.

An experiment was carried out with some simian creatures behind bars. To survive, these creatures from our evolutionary past were required to consume 240 pellets of food every hour. Unfortunately, these pellets are located outside the cage, in minute holes. In the beginning, it takes the monkey about thirty seconds to reach for the pellets through the bars and grab them, and another few seconds to actually bring the same pellets to your mouth. If the task cannot be completed faster, the monkeys would starve to death.

After about 500 tries, the monkeys actually became more expert at retrieving the pellets, and a much larger part of their brain lit up on scanning during the task. And this active part of the brain became progressively bigger, and bigger, and bigger!

And the study with the London cabbies proved beyond doubt that the spatial orientation areas opf the brain- the hippocampus- is much larger than an average hman's hippocampus.

It appears that practice does indeed ,ake you perfect! So if you practice being excellent, you expand the areas of ypour brain involved in being excellent and become more of it.

If you practice being happy, you expand the happiness areas of your brain, too!

Happiness seems to serve a bigger evolutionary purpose than just making it making it momentarily good, better best for us.

The negative emotions evoke a fight or flight response. Very limited options. And not very friendly for survival, let alone growth.

The positive emotions, on the other hand, expand our options, too. Happiness broadens our thinking and allows us to think more creatively, and build more intellectual, social and physical resources. These resources improve nopt only our chances of survival but actually help us thrive much better.

Happy people have a much bigger peripheral vision! So they are able to observe more in their surrounding. The visual cortex in the happy people is much bigger than normal people. A positive survival benefit.

And revisiting the Markonokoff''s rule- The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer still.

So happy becomes more happy.

And successful becomes more successful.

And...Happiness... makes... a lot of sense...

So- BE HAPPY!!!

Waiting for no one . . .

2010-12-18T09:47:00.001-08:00

Waiting for no one . . ., originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

I am old.

I am tired.

I wait.

I have waited since etrnity.

I shall wait till infinity.

Reaching for the sky, a tree tells its tale of holding an entire Universe in the grasp of a hand. One just has to reach out. And the Universe accepts us.

Our bodies model the macro cosmos with graceful fidelity.

Every cell is connected to every other cell. Each unit is independent and related...

The day dawns, and casts its shadows into the evening that drifts into the night. Nature moves relentlessly. untiringly.

Are we up to it?

Monarch effect...

2010-12-18T09:14:00.001-08:00

SDhawan7655, originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

A butterfly fluttering its tiny wings in the Sub-Sahara African forest can trigger a Cyclone in the Pacific Ocean.

Surprised?

This is the Monarch effect. The air envelope around our planet is a single continuum. It is almost like a pulling the edge of a sheet. It is bound to create creases at the far end.

It is not how tiny the butterfly is, it is how significant the connection is!

The Earth is like a gigantic creature... rumbling and breathing. Rolling and crying. And spinning. Anything that happens anywhere on the earth has its impact everywhere. We are just not vast enough to see it happen.

We need to step back from the insignificant, realise our role in the macro-cosmos that surrounds us and is pulsating with a life force that defies description.

We need to realise that we are as significant as the Monarch butterfly.

We need to realise that each small act of kindness ripples into a veritable wave of warmth that can change the way the winds blow. Anywhere on the globe!

We must also understand that each act of savagery has an impact in equal measure as that of kindness but can cause immeasurable damage. It can fracture Nature. And these fractures are not so easy to heal. They leave scars.

Can we make that choice with all our mind and awareness? Can we let anything else matter?

Theory of Relativity

2010-12-18T08:38:00.001-08:00

This, too, will go ..., originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

Time is relative... And it is not time that passes but we that move through time. Time is like another ordinate to define an event in the Universe. And appears to be a covenient frame of refrence for a short-lived momentary bubble in the vast ocean of the Universe.

Consider the paradox of Time. No one has been documented to travel at any speed faster than light. We have not been able to 'find' any sign of 'intelligent' life to the limits of our observable universe. The nearest galaxy is several hundred to thousands of light years away. So the light that reaches any intelligent life TODAY would have escaped the earth several thousand years ago. For any observer TODAY in that remote corner of the Universe, we would still be having dinosaurs roaming the earth's surface. Time would simply be a co-ordinate to depict the point in the Universe where the LIGHT originated!!

Given the vast scales involved this momentary bubble of life in space time is really insignificantly infinitsimally tiny. For us, a life time that is
a few decades is but a minute moment in the life of the Universe.

We are so full of ourselves that we use our frame of refrence for all comparisions and overlook the fact that were we to scale the Time line of the Universe to a day, we humans have been around for less than an hour!

So... each of us owes it to the tiny moments we are going to spend here to make each moment meaningful.

Let each moment defne just how much impact a single sentient being CAN have on the Universe.

Let each moment leave the world a better and brighter place...

What do you do when...?

2010-12-07T08:17:00.000-08:00

There are times when everything seems to stand still.

There are times when every day is the same as if nothing really happened the day before- or the day after.

There are days when the sun rises and sets and the earth moves just the same and nothing really happens.

These are the days when you must stop. Breathe. Breathe deeply. Step back and watch like a spectator.

Can you make yourself expect the unexpected? Can you make the unexpected happen? Can you muster enough gumption and breath to make the unexpected happen?

Can things change? Will they change?

Things do change. It only takes a little bit of effort to stick to it. A little. Just a bit.
The sun will rise again. The day will dawn again. And as Scarlet O'Hara always said, "Tomorrow will be another day."

And tomorrow will be.

What kind of a parent are you?

2010-11-19T10:52:00.001-08:00

Hey you, why are you stalking me ..., originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

What would you do?

Give out your index finger and make the child grip it?

Or would you make sure you had a good grip on your child's tender hand, irrespective of the child's grip?

These tiny hands are always curled to hold. This is nature's way of securing them. A tiny infant's grip can be so tight as to require even a strong adult some effort to free themselves. And the hold is completely natural and reflex. The child does not think (s)he has to hold your hand. You simply put your finger to the palm of the child and the fingers curl up into a most endearing and tight grip you are likely to encounter in your life.

But... a child is not strong enough to keep holding on. And may leave your hand when distracted by a sight or even a sound that captures its fancy. And any sight or sound can capture their imagination
And... they let go...

Then there is the parent who holds the child's hand. Tight. Almost too tight. The more the child tries to free the hand held by this parent, the tighter the grip becomes... And the parent KNOWS...

NOT TO LET GO...

It is easy to provide the comfort to the innocence and allow the child to hold on. The result may be tragic at times- in a flash, the child will be carried away by the waves of a tsunami or a flash flood. The waters of time will be relentless. And the child, powerless. The parent... helpless.

It is more difficult to hold on. Sometimes despite the resistance by the struggling child. Gentle. And firm. In a moment of crisis, the parent thinks only of the progeny.

The Father does not let go.

The Mother holds on despite the odds.

The parents gather supernatural powers from the nature to KEEP their child, nature's child, safe.

So, what kind of a parent are you?

Leave it all behind

2010-11-12T11:08:00.001-08:00

Leave it all behind, originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

No one can walk alone... so our shadows walk with us. Our shadows inspire us with their depth and with their fidelity.

However, shadows, too need a little light. And they fall away from the light.

If there is no light, there is no shadow. If there is too much light right overhead, there is no shadow!

The days may be dark and overcast... but the presence of the shadow indicates that the light is around- somewhere- close enough to create the shadow. The shadow teaches us to go on...

Yet, when darkness takes over, even the shadow disappears. Each of us must walk the darkest hour alone.

Find our strength.

Know that the darkest hour is just before dawn breaks into a riot of colours.

Know that we are never alone.

Know that the spirit knows what it needs to see, hear and feel.

Know that the darkness has its own lessons to teach.

Know that the shadow, and the smile, will penetrate any darkness.

That darkness is not an entity, it is the absence of light. And light is the most basic form of energy in the Universe. Light is always near... very near..

If I could say to you...

2010-11-10T05:48:00.000-08:00

If I could say to you that you will find your Self inside you, I would.

If I could say that you will find your Love inside your heart, I would.

If I could say that life must run a full circle and bring its joys and sorrows to everyone, I would.

If I could say that I love you, I would!

If I could... I would...

Since Time began, we are here to occupy our Space on the World's stage. We will play our own roles and pass on. Some of us will remember some figments of a life past and of the future. Most of us will live mindlessly and move on. Time does not move on. We do. And whatever we do, have done or will do is all in the Space around us, just waiting for us to reach out and touch. Everything that has ever happened in the Universe or is happening or will happen is actually in the collective memory of the Universe. And all this requires simply that we open all our senses to be able to receive.

Our lives are meant to give us an opportunity to love and devote. Our lives are meant for the soul to travel through Time and Space and discover the wonder that each of us is.

We may be able to find our purpose or die in the search.

The purpose is simply to be happy, joyous and find bliss. This, for some is in the family, for a few in their work and for many in the money they have in this day and age. The Bliss may be found in life, in love and in living each moment as if there will be no other.

So I want to say to you to open your heart and see life for what it is.

And I want to say to you to take your heart to places it has not ventured before and do things it has not done before.

And I want to say to you that you MUST take your time to live, learn and wipe a tear dry; that you must take your time to live, learn and bring a smile to a face.

And that life is waiting. Catch her hand and start walking. You will find yourself.

A split second...

2010-11-08T09:01:00.000-08:00

Everything was over. A split second had changed her life, irrevocably. As a dancer she was a legend. The key word being WAS. Her dancing career was over. Or was it?

She saw it coming but could only helplessly be carried by the momentum of the moment.

Sakshi was driving her Jazz and feeling great about life that wonderful winter morning in the outskirts of Delhi.

The winter nip chilled the tip of her nose. The soft music wafting from the car stereo set her mind to a much slower pace than she was used to.

At twenty something life is always full of promise. And if you are talented and love what you do, it is difficult to walk. The step has a bounce and the heart is heady with the spirited existence. The world is beautiful, green and sunny. And you are invincible. The smile is more a part of your face than the make-up you put on. And makes you more beautiful, too.

The dance program this evening was completely sold out. The reviews of the previous one were pegging this to be an event to be watched. It was the kick-off to the Fashion Week. The talk of the town, however, was not the fashion but the dancer.

At the centre of this Universe of stars of various shapes, colors, sizes and luminosity was Sakshi.

Beautiful. Graceful. Floating.

Her mind was drifting from one thought to another but she was strangely at peace. She could not identify each thought that came to the stage of her mind and clamored for attention... smiled gently... and walked away... She was happy...

Then she saw it. The truck coming at her in the wrong lane was hurtling out of control. It had veered a few yards ago and jumped the divider as effortlessly as a doberman jumping a garden fence. There was a moment when it appeared to be toppling over, and then it landed with a thud on all four wheels and sharply went out of control.

Fascinated, Sakshi watched. Time was moving as if in slow motion. She was at the centre of a vortex. Everything around her was turbulent, but she was strangely in the eye of the storm and watched every passing second as if from above. She was being carried inexorably by the whirlwind right into the lorry. Or was the lorry being carried to her toy car?

Her foot lifted off the accelerator slowly, ever so s-l-o-w-l-y, moved a graceful arc in the air and came to rest on the brake. It seemed like eternity. She had heard it said that in the moment of death, everything slows down and the entire life flashes in front of your eyes. It did. Her mother's tears as she won her first Interschool Dance Competition at the age of 6, her father's smile as he proudly picked her up and high above his head on the way back home, her brother wanting to play with her at the end of her dance class and her grandmother's concern that she would be tired. Everything was as if a movie were playing on her windscreen. Yet, this movie did not prevent her eyes from seeing the oncoming truck.

In the moment that she finally braked, the lorry rammed into her.

Her last memory was of the look of horror on the face of the lorry driver.

Then it was all blackness. She passed out.

Riot of Colors

2010-11-07T11:09:00.001-08:00

Riot of Colors, originally uploaded by Dr Sanjay Dhawan.

Has the dawn broken?

The morning is where love is... and family and life.

The earth moves on its own axis and does so relentlessly. Ha done so since times unknown to us. We are but a figment in this firmament. And we will also pass into the wind and the dust- merge with the elements we came from.

Each dawn is beautiful simply because we open our eyes to the possibility of another day that can bring us to and bring to us another day of appreciating life for the wonder that it is. Each day breaks - for those who choose to wake up and see the world with eyes that are open.

EAch day brings its beauty for those who have love in their life.

EAch day brings its glory for those who will only open their eyes to see!

Each time we lay eyes upon a loved one, each time we think of a moment that brings a smile, each time we find our thoughts drifting to a memory that defined our life, a new dawn is breaking in our hearts.

And each dawn is beautiful and powerful only because someone is making it so in their life, in their experience.

Love each day.

Love each sunrise.

Love.

Live.

See.

Experience.

Choices...

2010-11-02T10:33:00.001-07:00

We had, in the last post explored a situation in which some boys were playing on an old unused rail track when one of them discovers the thrill of being on a shiny new track. The problem with being on this one is, however, that the gleam of the new metal hides in its shine the possibility of an oncoming train that can cause death. The children belong to a village where the village elders have built tales around the track to protect their young. They have legends to scare teh young away from the new track as well as to keep them close to the village by the rails of the old track. This track is too old to have any strength to carry a train. Yet, it is strong enough to bind the villge in its metallic grip and keep it and its inhabitants 'in'.

One boy, only one, is able to withstand the peer pressure and stay on the old track when the rest follow the glitter and the glamour. He is able to stand his ground and stay true to his nature. He is able to stand alone and also make the effort to call back his mates and warn them of impending danger. His words fall on deaf ears, his friends are blinded by the glitter. They do not come back.

The oncoming train is hurtling towards the boys- full steam ahead.

The driver sees the four boys on this track. He sees one on the other. His mind does a quick calculation... 4 is to one. And then, logic takes over. It is not a question of 4 and one. It is, rather, a question of the six hundred and forty eight in the train he drives that have left their lives in his hands... He must not endanger those lives.

If he moves the train from this track to that, the four boys will definitely be safe. The one who stood his ground, the one who had the strength of character to resist the temptation of glitter and glamour, will surely die.

The train may trundle along to a dangerous halt on the decrepit track or get derailed. But... these four will survive. And THAT one will be dead. And all those passengers, too may find their lives hanging in the balance. They may survive if God is with teh driver. They may die if Fate takes over.

Suddenly time seems to slow down for the driver. HE is trying to brake the speed with every little ounce of strength in his sinews and each little bead of sweat on his forehead- bunched over his brows in intense concentration.

Will he be able to stop in time?

Will he divert the train to the old unused track and risk all his passengers?

Will he ?

Well... This driver does what is obvious even to a teenager...

He stays on this track.

And he saves the nearly six hundred and fifty, and he saves the one who has the strength of character to resist glitter and who has the wisdom to stay safe.

As for the ones who ventured into the dangerous and the unsafe.

Choices...

2010-10-29T01:01:00.000-07:00

Imagine...
Imagine... That there is a faraway place largely untouched by outsiders. Largely, because it is somewhat affected by the train that passes on the new track. The old decrepit track tells the unwritten tales of the past. The children here still run free and explore the nature around. They roam everywhere except the new train track.

The children hear it from the elders that Nature nurtures everywhere- except the new train track.

They hear it and drink it with their milk that the new train track is like the devil- it will steal the soul of those who venture on it.

And this is just as well. The trains do follow a time-table of sorts. But the villagers still tell the time of the day by the position of the sun and still travel by the horse and bull pulled carts. They are contented living within the dusty by-lanes of a rustic neighbourhood that nurtures their soul.

There are, however, always the rebels. Always those that are curious to see beyond, walk beyond, run beyond... REACH beyond...

One day, on a bright sunny morning, a group of five children walked to the out-skirts of the village. Their eyes could reach much farther than their tiny bodies, their little hands and their small feet.

Are you still imagining?

The children were playing on the old track. This was a safe place. The train would not travel on this one... Though still connected to the main new track, it was weak and dangerous for the trains. That, itself made it safe for everyone else.

What is a lump of flesh for some in the form of a larva, is the beginning of a butterfly for the others. It depends upon the perspective.

One child ran to catch the ball that had landed on the new track. This track was very much more attractive for him. It glistened in the sun. It seemed to reach infinity in the horizon. The boards of wood seemed to hold the two rails together, yet apart. These boards were strong and new. They were weathered and resilient. Everything about this track was vitality and enigma. New and attractive.

Everything about the old track was... dull and dying.

Ramesh, the one who had run after the ball yelled in obvious amazement, " Babu, Ram, Keval, Rattan, come here... look... how magnificent and shiny this track is!"

His voice beckoned his friends, alluring them to an experience that they knew could be dangerous.

Keval, however, was a disciplined boy. He always thought before he did anything. He always considered tradition before jumping headlong into the unknown. He always considered the word of the elders before he took a step away from home. He was sincere. He was strong. He believed he could do anything if he had the blessings of the Gods above and the Elders below.

Keval spoke up," Ramesh, this track can be dangerous. we MUST not play on it... It ,may thrill for a while but sooner or later, the train will come trundling along and carry us all to the infinity that seems to be alluring you! Come back to the old track. We are safe here."

Ramesh had a strange shine in his eyes. Glazed and mesmerised by the attractiveness of the moment, he was blind and deaf to any other advice. And he prevailed.

Ramesh and the other three began running on the new track, oblivious of the oncoming train. It was as if the track was actually directing them to their Destiny and Fate.

Keval was left alone. Dejected and desolate, he tried to make sense to the unhearing ears, unseeing eyes...

Now imagine...

The Driver in the oncoming train sees the children playing on the track. He is desperate. He blows the whistle. It goes unheeded. The train is inching closer every moment. The children are too happy to let anything else interfere with their moment of pleasure.

The Driver knows he has to do something, or four innocent children will die. His eyes dart from the instrument panel in front of him to the track with the children. Then his eyes swing like the pendulum and see the track running parallel to this one. There is one child there.

The driver knows that the track cannot support the weight of this train.

All the six hundred and forty eight passengers along with his crew are in danger, if he stops too suddenly because his train might get derailed.

If he does not stop, the four children on the track will definitely die.

If he changes the track... there is one child there. He, too will not survive- but the driver would have saved four children, sacrificing one!

Are you still on the track? Or in the driver's chair? Can you imagine the scene in front of you?

What would you do?

Would you stay on track, and kill the four children?

Would you change track and kill one child?

Would you try to stop suddenly... and risk derailment?

Imagine....

What would you do????

Answers later...

Lead your family

2010-10-14T05:28:00.000-07:00

A family is defined in our text-books of family and preventive medicine... a family is a group of people of the same blood line and living under the same roof. There are two exceptions to this rule. A wife is not of the same blood-line but she is what defines and shapes the ethos of a family. A servant is not of the same blood-line but shares the same roof.

A family is a group of people that shares values and goals. They share dreams and aspirations. They have similar interests and likings. They often, have the same tastes and dislikes, too. They define the quality of the family life by whether they are together in love or a losely thrown together group of people who simply share the roof but not the air they breathe.

Families need to share togetherness, love and they need to share values and dreams. This has to be done- it takes time, and effort, and dedication, and commitment. It is helped by a shared prayer and a shared feeding time. It is strengthened by unequivocal and uncontestably clear value statement. Certain things MUST be clearly spelledout for the family.

We will pray together.

We will eat dinner together.

We will not cheat or lie.

We will not sleep over a difference.

We will not let the sun rise AND set on a fight.

We will BE together- no matter what.

We will rally behind whoever needs our support in any situation...

We will share our aspirations clearly.

We will not hesitate to express love.

We will not let anyomne be wronged.

We will work together.

We will work together to build a better world!

And it starts at HOME, with a family.

One parent has to take on the role of the leader. One parent has to allow for the family to begin growing. One parent must set the tone for a common platform to be clear. If both parents can be on the pedestal together, these families will create citizens to be proud of. And if there is one that CAN take on this role, the other needs to support this one.

We need to live our lives not pass them. Ants also live- and they live very well.

They work together- lifting many times their weight; they leave everything and lift an injured family member to safety. They work hard. they collect what is essential for their inclement season.

We need to live better.

We need to create a culture of leadership that begins in homes and grows in the nation.

Cinderella rubbed floors!

2010-10-02T10:34:00.000-07:00

Cinderalla rubbed floors, she cooked food and she did the laundary. When she could, she dreamed.

She dreamed of attending the Royal Ball. Not because she had an lofty notions about herself but because it would take her away from drudgery for an evening. She wanted a break!!

And she wanted happiness.

Some tasks appear small but when one does them, they show how truly massive the effort is in doing them. There are other tasks that appear mammoth... but in effect, when we get down to really doing them, they appear sooooo easy!

When we were young children, 7 or 8 years old, our parents used to take us for regular morning walks. We used to walk 5-7 km each day in our summer vacations. It used to be one BIG GIGANTIC walk for us. Sometimes, we would just want to give up. Then, Dad would say, very matter if factly, "Just count ten steps".

We would walk ten, counting each step. With utmost concentration. We would stop. And breathe deeply. Our sweat soaking our eyes and stinging them. Each breath tearing through our system as if there is no passage for it to exit except by tearing through!

My father would calmly say, "Count ten more. Then ten more. You will soon reach the destination."

A very simple process! It breaks up a difficult and daunting task into several small ones. It sets up small targets- easy to achieve. The small jobs done also mean the positive re-enforcement comes quickly in small but tangible bursts of energy. Each burst of energy provides a better and firmer push towards the final goal.

Attend the Royal Ball.

Walk the ten steps.

Dance with the Prince.

Walk ten more steps.

Reach home before twelve!

Reach home!!

That is what Dory also says in Finding Nemo... Keep on swimming... Just keep on swimming...

So... who is going for the party tonight??

Flat line means Death!

2010-09-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

In the EKG (or, if you are in teh UK, ECG), flat line loudly proclaims death. The ups and the downs are what define life, and activity. However, the sharp lines symbolic of life are definition of a physical presence, not a spiritual existence. The spirit does not trace sharps. It writes in gentle curves. It knows no pain and delivers none. The letter Aum is only curves... It is the sound that preceded existence and the sound that will survive beyond eternity- Sanatan. Eternal. Truth.

The spiritual practices in everyday living round off the sharps and give gentle rocking curves that nurture teh body and allow the soul a journey that it is meant to have. Everyday spirituality does not mean dedicating fixed time to prayer or renouncing the world. Everyday spirituality means being true to your Soul Purpose. It means doing what you do with full intention and complete body, mind and soul. It means being present in the moment, each moment. It means performing everyday tasks with sincere gratitude- that we have the task to perform! And with diginity- that each task defines and colours our living experience.

Spiritual sincerity at the kitchen sink, in the bath, while driving or while talking to a friend helps to eliminate sharps, cut extremes. It introduces curves in life. It moderates the breath and modulates the mind. It puts us in resonance with our energy. It magnifies teh life force available to us. Chanting helps us focus our energies more efficiently. It helps us to focus our mind to a point. The NOW.

The trace from birth to death is to be a line of bliss and happiness for the soul. The journey is frought with difficulties and apparent distractions. We need to remember, however, that obstacles are those tiny things that take our sights away from the goal, away from the task at hand. Any chant brings about Unity of mind, word and action- Manasa, Vacha, Karma. for Valmiki, it was Maramaramaramaram..... ; for a mother it may be her child's welfare; for a lover, it may be those magical three words- I love you!

The Zero, the shoonya needs to be experienced to realise the resonance that is possible in life. The Universe also appears tpo be shaped like a warp- a zero! The rounding off of the edges brings bliss, joy and achievement.

Why must the bliss be attained after death in the flat line of ECG? Why can it not be attained in life with single mindedness of purpose?

The line of death is simply a line. A line when alone is unity... but is single. To magnify its value, it needs attachment! Attachment to zero. To nothing, and to nothingness. The curvature of the zero magnifies teh energy of Unity to infinity... In themselves, ech alone has little or no value.

This seems to be the ultimate journey of the soul in the human body... to achieve union of the Unity with the shoonya.

This appears to be the The Soul Journey... from birth to death, form unity, through zero to eternity...

Embark. Enjoy.

Physician heal thyself

2010-09-21T03:50:00.000-07:00

They study hard. They work harder. They dedicate their life to illness. Sometimes they rise above all this and start to think of wellness!

I have been a doctor for so long now that I cannot count the years on my fingers. I am finding myself disillusioned. Disillusioned with the profession that kills its soldiers. Disillusioned with the soldiers who are like Zombies, not humans.

Intelligent. Idiots.

The doctors spend all their life and time on making people better, battling diseases that make other 'ordinary' mortals live in fear and sometimes die with fear. What puts others out of business is precisely what defines the business of a doctor. Extraordinary!

Invincible.

And human. They also lose. Nature wins. They also lose, and the disease wins.

And one would think having studies the life processes in such minute detail would fill them with awe and reverence at the marvel that life is, and particularly the wonder that the human life is. Yet! One finds very few who feel the reverence. One finds fewer still who will acknowledge this wonder.

What does this profession do to us?

I see jealousy and narrow-mindedness all around me. I see insecure humans who pose as invincible gods and feel great when they are placed on a pedestal. Human fallacies and vanities make us all behave oddly. Most doctors are average or even below average human beings. Only the averages are higher because the baseline is higher!

People are too full of themselves to see better around themselves, and we see them in all professions. Somehow, however, we see many many more like this in medicine! Medicine, as a profession, places a lot of stresses on its practitioners and leaves very little time or energy for them to do anything else. Observe a coffee table conversation between doctors- " Wow! Man! What a case! Have you seen anything like that before?" Life moves around being doctors. Nothing else. They are not doing too well at being friends, or parents or a lot of other roles and relations that ordinary humans derive their value and strength from.

Physician... Heal thyself...

Only when you are fit and healthy, can you deliver your care in a fit and healthy manner...

Age of innocence...

2010-09-13T06:14:00.000-07:00

This happened so many years ago in my life that I could not tell exactly when it happened. However, the event was so explosive and the age so impressionable that I remember each detail of the episode.

It was in our doorway at home. My brother and I were soaked with sweat, having had a great game out in the garden. It was a warm summer evening. Vacation time. There was no hurry to go back home. No school next day. It was still light at around six thirty or seven in the evening.

One of my 'friends', got annoyed with me for some reason. We all turned back home. Being next door neighbors, we were walking together. Not a good idea when you are annoyed. It did not help the situation. We were in the doorway- nicely framed by it. This girl could not keep it inside! She turned and slapped me full on my face- her left hand to my right cheek.

We were being taught about the Gandhian ideals at that time. I felt the sting of the slap. I also felt the sourness of the mood. For a moment, I felt a rage rising inside me. And then, all of a sudden, it disappeared. I told this girl- Gandhi used to say if you are slapped on one cheek, you must put forth the other. Violence is not a fitting reply to violence and a slap in return will only be returned by another slap... For a child of about ten, I would say, that was remarkable.

However, before I could even turn my cheek, she turned around and slapped me on the other one! Here's one for your Gandhi! She was really upset.

Looking back on it- I can still feel the hurt. I can still see the scene as if it is playing on a screen. And I can still live all the emotions I felt.

This girl is still my friend. We can now laugh about this episode. She is now embarrassed about it. But- we can not forget it!!!!

I have been called a lot of things. After this one one more epithet was added to the string of titles I would find attached to me- Stupid!

I would have preferred Innocent. But I came to be called Stupid.

Now my son has done something he will not forget the rest of his life... He is also INNOCENT!!! And he has done something in school- where he will be facing a lot of bullying for stupidity!

Another boy asked him to splash ketchup on the classroom fan if he wants to continue to be friends with him! And he did!!!

The teacher was livid- rightfully so.

I have not seen it- but I can well imagine what the red must be looking like on the clinically white ceiling of the newly painted class-room! I asked my munna ( is there anything else I can call him after this?!) why he did that!? His reply was that the other boy said he would be friends only if Moksh did this! " What is the name of this boy?", I asked in sheer exasperation. My son's unbelievable reply,"I do not know!" He does not know who asked him. He did it because this guy told him that was the condition of friendship!!!

Such are the days of innocence! Such are the currents that we learn to swim against. Sometimes they hurt us physically like the slap, and sometimes they hurt us much deeper like the teacher screaming at my son for having done something he could not explain. At the other end of the spectrum are the children who have the fun- at teh expense of the innocent ones...

But each action generates a karmic debt or equalises it... We, the innocent are better off- being taken care of by the Guardian angels and equalising at each intersection.

Being a doctor

2010-08-27T10:58:00.000-07:00

There are two kinds of people in the world- one who are living each moment of their life as if it were the only life-defining moment and the other, who just go on living without a thought.

In our lives as doctors, too, we encounter the two types... one who live and die with each patient they treat and those who simply treat disease conditions.

From the ringside, the view is fantastic. The Doctor is a "God", someone who demolishes everything that comes in the way of health! Everything that puts ordinary mortals out of commission is put out of commission by the Doctor. Everything that makes ordinary mortals unable to do their ordinary everyday living is precisely what defines everyday living of doctors! Glamour. Strength. Victory. Undefeatable. Doctor.

From the ringside- it is only glamour and strength... the internal workings of a very human mind and body, the tribulations and triumphs of the human being who works with and on other human beings are often not seen by onlookers.

The mistakes and accidents are not viewed as mistakes and accidents. These are things that have affected another human being adversely. Does one human being set out to harm another- especially as a doctor? The first category feel each moment and each patient as a mission... something they are ordained by God and Destiny to help heal. The second category do what they can, and move on.

Which are doing their duty faithfully and with Faith?

Why is the stress of a complication something that the first category of humans who have trained to be doctors feel so much in their bones and sinew- in the depth of their souls?

They did the best they could- they cannot do anything less... And yet they carry the burden of the complication as a personal failure...

They did the best they could- they cannot do anything less... And yet they carry the cross of the mistake till it bleeds their soul dry...

And then, they get up once again. They set about doing the very thing that caused so much pain and anguish. They demand more from themselves. They stretch. And they stretch more and more. There will come a point when the stretch will no longer be possible... the string will break. The break point of every human being is different and programmed by something beyond our ordinary perceptions.

This is one reason why doctors married to doctors survive not only their professions well but also their marriages thrive and grow stronger in response to all the shared stress they experience.

Doctors, too are human. They are trying and more often succeeding than failing at setting ailments in a state easier healed by nature.

Doctors are human. They are not healers. They are helpers. Doing a duty. In very demanding and testing situations.

Appreciating our shared human nature, living a dream of a better life- for all... a sincere doctor signing off- hoping fellow humans could understand another human being...

From here... to Eternity...

2010-08-26T11:05:00.001-07:00

stepping to eternity..., originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Are you ready for that step?

It takes a leap in Faith to believe that Sky is NOT the limit.
That Eternity is a touch away.
That it is NOT time that passes... but ewe that pass through a time envelope.

What is visible today and accepted as fact was once considered superstition or science fiction yesterday. If we can think it, it is possible- somewhere.

The collective knowledge of the Universe is as available to any of us as it is to the scholar or the Master. It needs a key to unlock the door. Sometimes that combination and the key are provided by the Master.

When you take the first step, you do not necessarily know where the stair-well leads. You know, however, that it leads UP. Is Up the only way to go?

Sometimes, we need to step aside.

Sometimes we need to see beyond.

Sometimes we need to reach around.

We are all here for a purpose. We need to be able to find that calling. Do what it takes to live that life we are meant to live. And move on.

We do not know today what lies beyond. We may find out in the future. And then Science will have crossed another frontier. Science explains only what it can observe. And that is painfully small part of what really is out there.

The bacteria were still there even before Pasteur discovered them. Gravity was still there before Newton found out what it did to the apple.

Moving beyond OBSERVED REALITY, into a realm of experiential existence- one in which miracles happen everyday is not science fiction.

It is today's reality.

Living in grace

2010-08-26T10:23:00.000-07:00

There are times when our internal fire runs low... very low... It seems that tomorrow has to bring in something better and more blessed because it cannot get any worse than today! And there may be several such days in succession.

Then, along comes some soul- friend, mentor, guide- who holds your hand and touches your soul. This friend, mentor, guide shows new light, new sources of fire and even helps light up fire that appears to be dying out!

Fortunate are those who find such help along the path life is taking them. However, more fortunate are those who are able to recognise this help God Himself offers. He cannot be everywhere (?) so He decides to send guardian angels who reignite our faith and our belief. They make us believe again that Life has a lot to offer. That we CAN do what we THINK we can!

These people drop in for a while or stay a while longer, but they are always around us. We not only need our eyes to see them- which we do, everyday; but hearts to really feel their presence- which we more often miss.

The noise and the distractions in the modern day world take our feelings and senses on a roller-coaster ride. It makes us dizzy with thrill, and sometimes nauseous with the assault on our senses. This only serves to blunt our perception of the blessings in our lives.

If we are to accept more in our lives, we have to BE more- quiet, receptive, accepting, and be ready to live in grace. We have to pass it on, too. Only in passing it on can we open up the path to receive more.

A cup that is already full cannot accept any more tea- as the Zen master says.

So... have courage, especially when the fire appears to be low. If you seek, you will find. Help is always around. You only have to reach for it.

When old friends meet...

2010-08-14T12:09:00.000-07:00

It has been nearly twenty years! Last I saw this friend of mine, it was in 1992!!

Long forgotten memories and long lost roads. We walked them again. Together. After nearly two decades.

Supriya is a teacher in the UK. I am a doctor in New Delhi. We have our families and our children and our work. We both feel passionately about our lives. And we were both together for most of our schooling.

So tender and so engrossing was our meeting that we did not even think of taking any pictures!!

We talked. We talked about our lives then and our lives since. We talked of all that we do now. And we talked about what our families do. With children nearly the same age, we identify with the conflicts and struggles of parenting and raising our childen to be what they can be.

It is not much different for her or for me. Our lives are defined by the several roles we play in the world we inhabit... and by the aspirations we hold for the world we want to build.

And we do want to build a world where our children are not only safe but also nurtured and nurturing.

We both are working in our small capacities and I do hope, there are several more 'mothering' their children to make a difference each day...

Sanjay- My love.

2010-08-06T10:45:00.001-07:00

look at those penetrating eyes..., originally uploaded by naturewalker.

This man took my heart away nearly twenty three years ago.

I am fortunate to be married to the man I fell for- my first and only love. We fight and we make up. We see eye to eye- often only glaring. We love, and we often do not say it in as many words.

Do I NEED to say the words, asks Sanjay. Often. Too often. He has forgotten those days when he wanted me to say the words! He never tired of saying them. I never said them!!

Now, I thank the Lord everyday for this man in my life and say the three words to him- over and over and over again. Now he only says- it need not be said!

He is in Ladakh and the devastation due to Flash floods and a cloud burst there has been so graphically televised that I could hardly keep my mind on my work today.

How many phone calls I tried, I cannot count.

How many times I prayed for just one chance to speak to him, I cannot say.

I came to know he is fine by the mid morning. The MAX India foundation were very good to call all the family members.

However, hearing this man's voice was soooooooo important for me!

And after sooooo many years, today, HE SAID THE WORDS WITHOUT MY HAVING TO ASK HIM!!!

Thank God for the love and the sharing in our lives.

Thank God for all the good He has given us the opportunity to do...

Thank God for all that He gives...

Thank GOD for Sanjay in my life!!!!

If you are with the one you love- and he is also the one who loves you, there can be no greater blessing. If you are with the one you would like to grow old and spend lazy evenings sitting in the gentle winter sun, reminiscing about life- you cannot ask for more. If you are so deeply in love that layers of dirt and grime just fall off- leaving a polished and shining relationship, you have everything in life.

Thank God for all this, and more, in our life...

Flowering on clouds . . .

2010-07-31T21:57:00.001-07:00

Flowering on clouds . . ., originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Read something beautiful today... The first magic of love is the ignorance that it can never end.

The exact quote is in the side panel but will move on. This quote will not be there in a few days. But its message will now be here. Whenever anyone chooses to see it, feel it, live it... it will be here.

When we love, we forget that once ignited this flame will never die. It is, infact, not even a flame. It is a gentle fire that drives life and gives it the warmth that is needed to sustain life.

Love is that gentle feeling that spreads a warm glow across the horizon. It is that warmth that is at the centre of existence. That defines the quality of life we lead.

It is like the lotus in a pond. In the water and the dirt, but untouched by it.

Magically, love transforms everything it touches. It soothes burns of suffering souls and warms the chill in the lonely bones.

It makes people insecure with the fear of losing it all because it would mean the end of life for them. It also makes people so secure that they will be able to move mountains because love is in their life.

We choose whether we make it our strength or our weakness...

Whether we bloom despite the muck or succumb to it.

Whether we reflect the light of the skies or choke with the dirt...

The knowledge that love can never die is ours to choose or to overlook. It does not change the nature of love...

Love only grows.
It can do nothing else!

And when love grows, it expands the vessel that contains it. It spills over to flow all around when the growth of the vessel cannot keep up with it.

Either way, love transforms everything it touches. And makes it immortal.

where will this road take us?

2010-07-31T12:12:00.001-07:00

where will this road take us?, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

The woods are lovely dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep...

Sometimes, we get lost in the beauty that surrounds us on our journey. Sometimes, we even lose a track of the journey all together. And stop. We stop to drink it all in. We stop to let the Maya sink in. And enjoy the moment. The journey is, however, the whole epic. It is what the soul is here for

We may realise it and wake up from our slumber. We may not realise that we are sleeping and mistake the dream for the reality.

The dream will come to an end. The reality is eternal. The souls take on a form- the body to travel through this dream, this reality. It is not possible to have the experiences without this body . And yet, the body is not what the soul is!

The road may be long, and lonely. The soul is never alone.

The road may be hard, yet only for the body. The soul does not need the road. Nor does it need the support the body seeks.

We all came alone. We will depart alone. It is between these two punctuation marks that we must fill each other's existence with love, grace and abundance.

Where will this road lead?

Where will that one take us?

Is the road less travelled really that difficult?

Choices?

2010-07-20T08:03:00.000-07:00

Life presents several choices. Sometimes, we are aware of our choices. Mostly we do not even realise we are choosing.

The choice to go on or to stay on...

The choice to be happy or seek happy...

The choice to be in the here and now or to be in the past or the future....

The choice to have and be friends or to give up on people in your life...

This is only a beginning of a list that might be as unending as the calculation for the value of pi!
And as fascinating!!

Each choice opens a new possibility. And each choice defines a new reality. We assume that time moves on. We take for granted that the people in our life will grow with time and look for a better future. We always have the choice, however, to realise that WE move through time. And the secret to self realisation is not in waiting for tomorrow to bring us better tidings nor wish we could relive or change our past.

We let our reflexes take over rather than be aware of what our choices are. We are so lost in trying to live that we forget to live!

We see darkness... and let fear take over. We forget that we are not afraid of the dark but what is in it!

We reach a pinnacle... and let fear take over. We forget that we are not afraid of the height but of falling down!

We see people around us... and often let fear take over. We forget that we are not afraid of people but of rejection!

We fall in love... and sometimes... let fear take over. We forget that we are not afraid of love but just of not being loved back!

We fall... and let fear take over. We forget that we are not afraid of trying again but simply getting hurt for the same reasons!

We choose fear over a clear and present joy, love and contentment.

We can choose otherwise!

Sometimes... the choices are not so clear.
How do you choose between good and good? How do you choose between a child and another? How do you choose between light and light? We choose only for a moment- and in that moment we redefine our existence. We choose a reality that we inhabit and forget that reality. For our life to be joy, we need to be more aware of a moment... in eternity... in infinity... NOW

What is Free will?

2010-07-17T10:08:00.000-07:00

Is there a thing called destiny? Is everything we are supposed to do, or feel, or live predetermined? Is everyone in our life there because they are predestined to be? Is everything in our life so because it is supposed to be?

What then, of free will? If no matter what we do, we will get and experience only what we are supposed to, why do we work?

Man- Human being- is a unique creature in the Universe as we know it. There is no other creature that has the faculty of Intellect and the drive of emotions that is modified by ethics or morals. In as much as we judge and determine what we will do or not do and what will be acceptable behaviour, we are exercising not only free will but also activating forces that will carry us in a given direction. Thus, destiny is a general direction that the life proceeds in and free will may modify our experience by opening up alternate possibilities.

Destiny and free will operate only under laws of nature. The laws are universal- like gravity. If you choose to put your bare hand into a burning fire, your fingers will experience the phenomenon of getting burnt. You may choose not to touch a raging fire, and you will not get scorched. Two alternative existences- equally openable by a single choice. That choice is Free will.

Destiny does not preclude action nor does she promote inaction. There will be circumstances like a flood or an earthquake or even a bereavement or loss of job or separation that may not be affected by our exercising our free will- these only create the milieu in which our internal environment will shape our existence.

Sukha and Dukha ( Joy and Sorrow) are like the spokes of a wheel. They will rotate and cyclically be on top or at the bottom. The wheel is our existence, its motion our destiny and each spoke has equal importance in our life and must be treated with equal regard. THAT choice- of treating each spoke with equal regard is ours- each moment. And that is the realisation of self that our scriptures ordain as the ultimate goal of the soul...

सुखापतितम सेव्यं दुखापतितम तथा ,
चक्रवत्परिवार्तानते सुखानी च दुखनी च।

Action is needed even for Destiny to manifest.

A life well lived...

2010-07-16T06:56:00.000-07:00

What really makes for a life well lived...

Is it the love you give or the love you receive? Is it the things you can buy or give away or the knowledge that all things are momentary and they, too shall pass?

Or is it the relationships you build, and peace you spread?

It is, may be, a little of all these and then some more.

A life well lived is one that is full of love- that you give and you receive. It is a life that scatters for all around you to gather. It is not in acquisitions but in give always that one finds more satisfaction. And always, the finest and most memorable moments are not ones we have spent alone but ones we have shared with others.

Our remembrances and memories are mostly of times spent with and for our loved ones. The more we spread love, the more happiness we have in our own life. Some professions allow us to experience this happiness and joy more easily. Teachers, doctors... Fortunate are those who can find their calling in professions that allow us to make a difference to lives we touch. And we MUST be grateful for that opportunity as well as be able to do what fate and fortune allow us to.

A life well lived would be one lived in the NOW, in the present moment, being fully committed to fulfilling each role to its fullest.

A mother who is not committed to mothering and a teacher not committed to teaching, a father not committed to fathering and a soldier not committed to soldiering are all not living a life of significance. They are all wasting the moment. They are all wasting their life- their opportunity to live well.

We all have several roles to live and to fulfill, and each role we fail at is another step away from a life of significance. This failure is not a failure that generates a red mark for us. It is a failure that generates more work for the soul.

How many people would be affected and how deeply by your absence?

The world will still go on... But there will be some souls who will deeply miss those who make a difference...

It is this that defines a life of significance.

Living on an island of isolation is creating an existential black hole.

2010-06-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

Living in a private world of your own is an extremely isolating experience. Each of us does have a private world inside our head. And then, we grow- physically, mentally and emotionally.

We begin to share our private world and include friends, lovers and family into it.
We begin to become a paradise of inclusion and shared living with many hued leaves and flowers, with multitude of scents and aromas.

There may still be nooks and crannies in this Garden of Eden that may remain private. These are few and far in between. And they are dark corners where, sometimes, we ourselves do not want to enter.

The sun of love can only shine into the garden if we drop the walls and break the fences. The flowers and the grass can grow only if we nurture them, water them, care for them and donot walk all over them when they are delicate tiny tendrils.

We must learn to communicate and include. Communication joins people and allows the sun to shine through. Loving in your own private world isolates. It breeds darkness and loneliness and cobwebs.

Even if one enjoys isolation, one cannot survive as an island of humanity. Even in the deepest of oceans, life that survives is either that which captures light from other sources or one that gives out light of its own.

Gravity, too attracts. Gravity holds people and even planets together. One does not experience negative gravity anywhere in the universe. It is a force that attracts and holds together anything and anybody that comes close enough. Light, and thoughts are the only two entities capable of escaping this private garden, and entering it at will.

Light- that we shine.
Thoughts- that we share.

If we refuse to share our thoughts and our light, we refuse growth. We refuse and reject the very purpose of our journey in this world. We are here for a reason. And that reason cannot be isolation and death. It has to be growth and eternity.

We do need to say and show what we want to be able to include people in our private gardens. These gardens can become beautiful only by including not excluding.

The only thing known to survive in the Universe in isolation is a black hole. And even a black hole allows entry... It has an immense gravitational force that attracts- and attracts EVERYTHING that comes close to it. A black hole is isolation is not on account of not allowing inclusion but actively excluding escape.And at the core of a black hole is Singularity where space and time merge and where everything ceases to exist - no time, no space, no light.

Finality. Death.

Till we are alive and vibrant, we take in and give out air; we take in and give out light; we take in and give out sound. We maintain a two directional flow of energy to and from our bodies, our private gardens.

When we begin to revel in not giving out, we can only become black holes. Not gardens of Eden in paradise of vibrant life.

Our Journal- I love...

2010-06-03T10:49:00.000-07:00

Sanjay did it again! He impressed me! We wanted to do something more meaningful than TV with our Dinner time and came up with the idea that we would write and share what we wrote. We ALL wrote.

Our first topic was- I love... dated 17/5/10

Sanjay wrote-

I love me... but me is not just my individual self. Me is defined by my world around me- my family, my friends, my work etc. My work gives me an opportunity to do good to others, to serve and to make a difference in this world. It also provides for my and my family's needs. My family is what I have been and what I will be. It embodies love on a more perceptible plane. Friends denote fun and freedom and all the other things that I enjoy doing when I am not working or fulfilling my family commitments.

Strangely I also love all the difficulties I encounter in my path of living because it is these very difficulties that give happiness its true meaning.

I also love God.

And I wrote-

Along with 'time', 'love' must arguably be one of the most used words in English language. And, like time, we live it, feel it and have it intricately woven into the fabric of our life but we cannot define it!

I love... two very powerful words that can begin a cascade of feelings. I love my family, first and foremost. I am defined by them- mother, daughter, wife, sister- They are all the roles that give me the opportunity not only to love freely but also BE loved infinitely. I cannot imagine a life devoid of this contentment. Friends, too occupy an important place in this 'scheme' of my universe.

Moving away from the Animate and the highly animated, I will have to say, I LOVE BOOKS. At any given moment, I could be reading three to five books! One in the bathroom, one by the bed-side, one in the car for the red light stops, and one in the purse are quite the usual. Books transport me to another Universe- and bring alive possible alternate existences. It is as real a world that we live in, breathe in and can feel the texture of. Yet, it is a world that we cannot touch...

My being a doctor gives me a definite high feeling. It is a profession that allows me to interact with several people who are usually highly appreciative and fuel my innate need to be appreciated as an individual who makes a difference. I was once told by a friend that it is possible to love several people and things at the same time. I have since realised that to be a BIG truth.

Each new experience of love expands the heart to be able to take and give ever more...

Thank god for this blessed feeling in our lives...

Journaling for growth

2010-06-02T12:38:00.000-07:00

Journaling is a process of self realisation, and subsequent inevitable growth.
It is an exercise to begin to understand our own internal workings.

We must be able to confidently address our own weaknesses and strengths. Our weaknesses allow us not only the means to growth but also to relate. Sometimes, in moments of utter despair and loneliness, we will look for a shoulder to lean on. And will lean only when we feel we can trust. All this requires maturity.

The initial topics to journal can be and should be simple. So, their appeal can be broad and surpassing age barriers. It is also nice to be able to find topics that can excite writing from both men (boys) and women (girls).

Sometimes, we would assume that jounaling is mostly done by girls and confuse it with dairy writing. We also assume, we will not be able to share what we write as it would be private and confidential. That comes much later.

And the best known journal writer is a man! Henry Thoreau! His journals were mainly composed of his observations about Nature- his travels and experiences. But that is not all his journals were. He also wrote about his hopes emotions and beliefs. That is where a Journal will offer anyone who is serious about Journal writing to find himself or herself. To grow. And identify traits that help us and the ones that deter us.

You need not write about yourself alone. You can write about religion, God, beliefs, about values you follow, about what you love and what you hate! And you need not share if you donot want to. But a good journal should EXPLORE and delve DEEP.

To begin with...

Start a Journal with- OBSERVE EVERYDAY THINGS AROUND YOU> NOTICE THINGS YOU OTHERWISE TAKE FOR GRANTED. Make a list that starts ,"I AM GRATEFUL FOR....
Write for 10 to 15 minutes. Free writing. This means you keep writing, mindless about the grammar or even the content of what you are writing. Usually you will follow or develop styles that are at least grammatically correct. You will initially THINK you cannot write for ten minutes at a stretch. Believe me, soon, this will look like too short a period of time. You must not make this into a CHORE THAT MUST BE DONE> You should try to make this into a fun thing you would like to look forward to each week day. Fix only one target entry a week. But make sure you write it.

Get yourself a nice notebook or journal to write on. Get yourself a nice pen to write with. Find and fix a corner that is yours. Some would like to have music in their corner, some would prefer quiet. Some would be able to write it only when alone and others will be able to write even in the cafe! Make it a ROUTINE. Your body and mind should gear to holding the pen to paper each time the clock strikes 6:00pm thursday evening ( For example!)

Once you are comfortable about doing it once a week, you could do it more often.

Next week, you could LOOK AT THE LIST YOU MADE LAST WEEK AND Write a 10 minute piece starting- This list surprises me because....

There are a lot of resources listed on the net about Journal writing. These are some of the prompts i liked and they fall into two broad categories- Journaling for understanding yourself and Journaling for Relationships

Self Understanding prompts

I really miss...
For my birthday I'd like....
I really wish....
Something few people realise about me is...
I dream that one day I will...
Some little things I FORGET to enjoy!
If I could live anywhere in the world, I would...
The hardest thing for me to do is...
I love...
What makes me feel proud is...

Relationship prompts

Teenage years can be...
Best friends are...
My best friend is...
In a good friend I look for...
I am a good friend because...
I hate it when someone says to me...
I love it when someone...
I get mad when...
i feel sad when...
I resent______________ because_________

Try starting with this.
Let me know what you are working on.
I'd love to be able to do it with you guys. I'll rope in my family, too.

We had started a Journal writing exercise that we thought we should share at dinner time. No TV. All of us, Dad, Mom and the children would share what we wrote. We came to a consensus topic for the day. We unfortunately, set ourselves a very ambitious target of everyday writing from the start.

We will start again. Once a week. And journal about the TV, too! Then, may be we, too can build it into more frequent write-ups.

We all wrote on--- I love...

Trust?

2010-05-27T05:09:00.000-07:00

Have you ever played with a toddler? A baby who can smile and laugh and gurgle?

The cries are only to convey discomfort- being wet or dirty or hungry. Everything else is a whole lot of fun! Life is an adventure.

When we toss the baby in the air, the smiles and the laughter is infectious. The parent AND the child are in the moment. They are here. Now. They are happy. And there is no fear.

The child has complete faith that he will be caught- each time. No other outcome is possible.

Then the child grows a little...
Begins to crawl...
Attempts to stand- and falls. The first experience of failure. But the faith is still supreme.
The child knows this is the way to stand and walk and run and jump. It is the natural course of things.

The possibility of failure is a possibility ONLY after the child has grown up and the comparisons start. When one's not being able to do something is compared with someone else's being able to do it. And Faith begins to die a slow death.

The way to move forward in life is to know the natural history of things in your life. And trust that the Natural course will eventually happen. It will be a matter of time. Or commitment. But not ability or lack of it.

If you can conceive of it, you can do it. It is only a matter of time. That is the faith that moves mountains. And the child like intensity that makes you go on despite anything...

Sea waves

2010-05-22T07:44:00.000-07:00

Watch the waves crashing on the shore. They carry the sands from the bottom of some faraway bed somewhere deep in the ocean. They also wash away the surface sands with all else there is on the shore. With equal ease.

The waves hit the rocks . And in a splash, turn back to merge with the deep sea again. They keep at this seemingly infinite activity. They go on endlessly, till eternity.

Evidently, the waves are able to do nothing to the rocks. However, the waves are as persistent a force of nature as are the rocks a resilient feature. And, in this interaction, there is only mingling. No victory and no defeat. What is washed away from one rock goes on to build another one somewhere really far away.

Sometimes, all it takes is to keep splashing on the rocks in your life.

To keep persisting till the resistance and the resilience gives way to something gentler. You may feel that effort is futile, the rocks are unchanging. But each wave that even touches a rock, leaves an indelible mark. The process goes on. Almost invisible.

And all of a sudden, one fine sunny morning, when the tide is down, the rock stands bare... each little crack and pit and crater telling the story of each wave that has touched its heart. You will not need ears to hear this story, nor eyes to see it unfold. All you will need is a heart- a heart that can connect with the heart of the rock!

When you find yourself being able to connect, you will experience love, truth and divinity.

Here.

Now.

Forever.

And you will experience Unity - the central theme of the universe itself!

the best gift I have ever received

2010-05-09T05:38:00.001-07:00

the best gift I have ever received, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

This was the sleepy head gift my daughter and son gave me for Mother's day, this year! 12 midnight, My daughter woke up Her father. Sanjay was so sleepy that he could not keep his eyes open.

He went into the bathroom!

We had a hearty laugh that Papa is so sleepy that he has gone to the bathroom!! And, then Saniya came into the room, and wished me Happy Mother's day. It was midnight. The next day had started.

A few moments ago she was fiddling with something in her own room- and switching off lights if I came anywhere near. I did not want to spoil her surprise so I did not venture into her zone.

The thrill, the planning and the creativity of my daughter often leaves me quite in awe!

And... then... in walked Sanjay! All gift wrapped, with pink ribbons!

With a label on his t-shirt that read Happy Mother's day.

I was so overjoyed! This is the BESSSSTEEESSST GIFT anyone has ever given me! And Sanjay was looking ssshhho shweeeeett!!! Sleepy and smiling to keep up with Saniya's plan. The front of the T-shirt proclaimed Happy Mother's Day and the back of the T-shirt had a card pasted on it.

Saniya whirled him around! The card read- Dear Mom...

From THREE IDIOTS! ( My Idiots are so cutely idiotic!)

Open with a BIG smile... ( I did not have to be told. I was smiling ear to ear- I was so happy with my unusual gift!)

LOL- (And just in case I thought that meant LOTS OF LOVE- They clarified- Laugh Out Loud)

The inside of the card...

Happy Mother's day,
Mom,
I did not have the time to make a very good card. But I hope you like this...though it is not that good... Ofcourse, I loved it!
But I wanted to say- I am all ears!!!
You are the Bestest Mom anyone can have. Thankyou! You are the best family anyone can have.
You are still my best friend ever, THANK YOU BABY!!!
from your daughter
Saniya

This was Sanjay's plan... finely executed by the children.

And because Moksh thought that he had not been included in the whole exercise, he went to the other room, quickly drew a BIG heart, cut it and pasted it on the front of his T-shirt and with a mango in his hand came to hug me- Happy Mother's day, Mom! You love me. And You love mangoes!!

And the smile was plastered in my face for the next three hours! I could not sleep even after everyone had slept off. It is so nice to have such a nice family!

Thank you God, for everything...

Touchwood.

I love them all...

How clean is your carpet?!

2010-05-04T11:26:00.000-07:00

There are two ways to deal with what you DO NOT want to deal with...

You either resolve it or you avoid it. You either face it or you run away from it.

It may be a decision you are avoiding. Or a conflict you are not resolving. Or questions you do not want to answer to yourself. Or confessions you refuse to make to yourself and to those who matter.

Sometimes it may mean not saying what you absolutely must to a loved one. At other times it may even mean swallowing a bitter pill and not letting on that you are hurt.

At other times, you may well know and fully realise that you have hurt a loved one and you keep delaying the due apology knowing this could set things right and yet letting ego sweep the proverbial issue under the carpet!

You do it once. You do it again. And again. Then it becomes a habit. Then, you begin to do it as a reflex action. No more thinking and consciousness is involved in it. Such a wasteful and a mindless way to live!

Meanwhile, the carpet that was once a beautiful smooth and lush piece of fabric starts to lose its sheen. More the issues under it, more it becomes uneven and difficult to step on. Even more difficult to walk on. And barefoot? The issues begin to hurt.

The carpet becomes lumpy from all the issues that have been swept under. Some may be sharp and pointed, others soft and still others hard as nails. They all lie there making the carpet ugly and uneven.

The carpet of your life cannot be avoided. You must step on. You must walk on it. And with all the irregular folds and creases and the lumps, your feet hurt. Your foot is very likely to catch and you will fall. Often on your face. This hurts a lot more than the ego that prevented you to deal with the issues when they arose.

Relationships are delicate business.
Carpets need constant care.
Issues, too need attention.
Being mindful and attentive goes farther than avoiding and sweeping...

Let us then resolve to treat each other with respect that all of us deserve.
Let us then resolve to solve rather than to avoid.
Let us also allow egos to be only a tool of self preservation not a means to self destruct.

Let us keep the carpet neat and lump free...

What's your earliest memory?

2010-04-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

The earliest memory I have of my childhood is one of identifying my fear, facing it- and getting on with the business of living.

It is also of holding your dear ones dear and helping them deal with their fear.

Fear is the only limit we place on our boundless flight...

I was barely one and a half years old. The memory is etched in my mind as if a tag that can start the play of a movie. We lived in an ordinary home. ( Notice... I call this a home- from the very beginning.) ( more about that later) . There were, however, focal points of the extraordinary here. One such focal point was the roof of the home. This roof also served as a small balcony for our small family to spend weekends and evenings of togetherness. Looking back, it appears foolish at worst and fool hardy at best to be using this risky balcony without railings and parapets for such a family activity.

I distinctly remember the rickety cross between a ladder and a stair that led up from the living space to this platform. What made this upward flight a stair was a flat board for each step to place our feet on. However, we had nothing to hold on to on the sides. It used to always make me feel a certain thrill going up. It was almost as if we were flying... and landing...

We used to land on the edge of the top of the world. This was the highest point of the neighbourhood. We could reach for the sky if we tried! Just a little stretch!

My father used to carry me up first. Leave me there. I used to sit- looking at him going back down. I used to sit at the edge of the roof of my world and watch with fascination. Even at that young age I used to wonder what made my father bring ME up foremost. It was almost a ritual. He would, then, descend and come up again with my baby brother... deposit the bundle close to me! I had to keep him safe. This was a huge responsibility for a tiny girl. My father trusted me from the very beginning! He never had to say it. And I am proud to know that I have never, till date, let him down.

Somehow, keeping a three month old baby safe took over the brain completely... freeing the mind from the fear or even the possibility of a fall!

Then last of all... he would very carefully, lead my mother up the rickety stair-ladder! My mother was mortally afraid of this ladder. When we were all up there-however- the towering presence and smiling face of my father made everything else fade into insignificance. His presence was, quite simply, a safety net around us. He never let fear figure on the radar of our consciousness. We would play, lounge and enjoy the evening breeze.

Then, quietly, we would all descend. Though the actual memories of descending the stair-ladder are not at all present, there must be some neuronal impression. To this day, I feel a sense of thrill climbing up and a hesitation, almost a fear that I will tumble and fall if I descend.

My father led from the front. Like he led his soldiers. And, he trusted.

When he left me up there with a little baby, he was leaving both his children on that roof top. He had a deep sense of faith that his children would stay safe. One looking after. The other, looked after. And God would always care for us. God did! We also did!

We learnt responsibility from an early age. We did what we were supposed to. And made fear irrelevant. Nonexistent, even.

We also learnt to take over and rally by the side of family when the fear was there. My mother felt the fear. It was her reality. We rallied around her till it became irrelevant for her, too.

Today, both my parents lead from the front. As they always have. They do not tell us. They show us. Infact, they simply follow their philosophy of life and love to the last letter. And... do not even care who is watching- if at all any one is watching!

Will I be able to give my children memories that teach, and instill a sense of wonder for life?

I do hope we, as a generation, could do this for our children.

I hope, we could.

What is love?

2010-04-19T10:51:00.000-07:00

I have often written about this emotion and find myself reading what I wrote and saying- Is that it? Is that all I can say about this feeling that makes the world go round?

Love is what makes us wait for someone to come home long after everyone else has gone off to sleep...

Love is also what makes us sleep in peace in the arms of this one person when (s)he comes home!!

Love is what makes it possible for a man to go on and for a woman to carry on with the business of living- despite each difficulty in their path.

Love is the feeling that makes one remember the days gone by as if they are a running movie in front of our eyes.

Love is what makes us remember the first glance, the first touch, the first embrace and the first kiss. It is equally potent between a man and his woman as it is between a child and his parent.

The picture of a new-born child in the arms of its mother soon after entering this world is still the most enduring image of love that can be. The child knows nothing else than the mother's touch and her heart beat. The mother breathes the entire Universe in that single moment of holding the child.

Love is the feeling that wants to make you smile in anticipation after you wake up, but before you open your sleepy eyes. It is the feeling that makes you want to stretch and reach out and touch your love.

Love is also the feeling of awareness of closeness and proximity even standing in prayer in a temple. It is the feeling that pervades and provides utmost security... and the source of extreme insecurity.

Love is what makes your tiredness disappear the moment your eyes rest on that someone and makes you want to simply observe each breath.

Love is the heightened sense of awareness and of contentment... the sense that will make you believe that if you were to die today, you would have no regrets. And that you would be missed.

Love is also the drive that makes you reach out long after each ounce of power is sucked from your being... to continue despite all odds and REACH. It is the driving force that allows one to go on when all else seems to have been depleted.

Love may not make the world go round, as someone has said... it definitely makes the ride worthwhile...

Memory of the Universe

2010-04-17T11:31:00.000-07:00

Each little act, each little sound, any action what so ever, even a thought changes the energy of our planet.

Each little act or thought generates a moment of energy that warps the space-time around us. And this warpage is not focal or local. The space-time envelope is a continuum from origin to eternity and universal in expanse. This sheet will remember and memorise each fold forever. Each little breath taken in this universe is still in its memory.

Cultivate good thoughts. We get human form after ages of passing several life forms, our scriptures claim. This journey cannot bring us to evil. It is not possible for a human being to be evil or wrong. We find all the evil in world because of the degeneration and the disconnect from our natural source of energy and replenishment. We urgently need to reconnect and eliminate the folds that can warp the space-time envelope uncomfortably.

Plant a tree.
Create a green patch.
Use your car a little less.
Love your world.
Spend a little time in silence.
Spend a moment in thought.
Spend a moment in reflection.
Learn from nature.
Be committed to your immediate family- and your extended family.
Love the Mother who has made life possible.

She gives freely. Give what you do not need. Take only what you need and no more. Give her the time to recover and replenish. She is giving so we may survive. Our survival depends on her survival. She will live on irrespective of us- in fact may do so better without us.

Our planet is burning with fever. We will need to help her cool down. The earth has cyclically gone through ages of periodic warming and cooling. She might be in a phase of heating up now. We will gain nothing by adding to this fever. We may lose all by not being mindful and by being inattentive to her needs this moment.

We are like a virus that has attacked a body.

What is a virus? A virus is a biological entity that multiplies, proliferates and overtakes (usually) the system it invades. If innocuous, it passes off as a sneeze, or a wheeze with a little bit of watering and some discomfort. If it is sinister, it will overpower the system and cause a fever, some shivering and shakes, some sweating and often the feeling of being depleted. When it is lethal, it also adds to its own effects. The body that was invaded reels under the onslaught, rolls over, burns, vomits... and may die.

Is that not what appears to be happening to Earth?

My car chants!

2010-04-16T06:50:00.000-07:00

I discovered this astonishing fact today!

My car chants OM.

Each time I start the car and idle it for a minute or two, the sound of the idling engine shifts significantly. The interrupted sound of vibrating parts of an engine creates a musical composition which is... interrupted and vibrational... This is a sound that is familiar to many.

Then, every three seconds- I really checked!- the vibrational character transformed into a continuous hum. This continuous hum is unmistakable. However, to hear it, you must really LISTEN for it. It becomes discernible from audible only when you attend to it.

Oh I hear the sound everyday. However, today, I really listened.

It was distinct. It lasted for about five seconds- not very long for an OM. It was CLEAR. It was aaaooommm.

This set me thinking.

It is said in the scriptures that before everything there was the sound. I firmly believe that everything in the Universe has the memory of whatever has been and has the blue print of whatever can be. So... is it possible? Is it possible that the Om is actually ubiquitous and can be found anywhere we look for it- really listen for it?

I checked.

It is!

The fan, the AC, the tube lights, the idling laptops, even the suction machine in our out patient clinic- everything shifts to humming OM intermittently.

Sound is energy. Energy is The Divine. Each moment has the potential to awaken in us the awareness of the Divine

The Divine and The Miraculous is present in each moment, each day of life. Certain days help us to acknowledge these more easily!

Arise. Awaken the senses. Heighten the experience of living- each moment.

From sympathy... to empathy...

2010-04-08T20:50:00.000-07:00

Imagine a world where everyone feels loved and cared for.
Imagine a world where there is no misunderstanding.
Imagine a world not only without war but also a need for war.
A world where the heart and the brain do not have a conflict... and where it is easy to address some one's pain, and need for being cared for.

The pain will be there...the sadness will remain... the needs will also stay...
These are attributes of life and living as much as is joy, elation and love in abundance. Even those who have everything in life feel a lack of something they cannot define. Each sliver of happiness is heightened by each shred of pain that we feel. One enhances the experience of the other. Each life that begins must end, each drop of water that is seen will go through the cycle of becoming imperceptible vapour and then may find its way back into becoming a drop again- only to merge with the mass of the river, sea or ocean.

When we feel pain, we also feel lonely. We feel as if no one understands this anguish. And we are not very wrong. Very few people in the world are blessed with the attribute of Empathy. Many may sympathise. Empathy comes with a great deal of difficulty. It is easy to feel sorry that some one else- no matter how close we feel to him/ her, is in pain. It is not so easy to feel that pain. And THAT is empathy.

My heart in your pain is sympathy. However, empathy is your pain in my heart.

Empathy makes life very difficult. Each experience of any one's pain becomes an experience of our own pain. Each moment we are in pain- our own or someone else's- we feel the drive to banish and diminish this pain, too.

It will only be through empathy that we may be able to build a better world. It will only be through empathy that we will be able to eradicate someone else's pain AND rejoice in someone else's joy in equal measure.

As a race, we are poised to a quantum leap into another level of existence... of greater awareness, of greater empathy and greater joy. It will have to come at a price... Are we ready to pay that price? Are we willing to feel some pain so we may feel greater joy? Are we willing to work hard to alleviate any pain we encounter- no matter who it is that is suffering?

A friend once told me that my greatest strength AND my biggest weakness is this attribute. That I cannot avoid feeling the pain of anyone I encounter. That I rejoice in seeing each success I behold from anyone I see. I try to do more than I can to make things better... That is a strength- always stretching and trying to do more. This inevitably results in a level of personal growth that cannot be duplicated any other way.

However, this also means that I am so busy with every one else that I end up tired and sometimes feeling that I, too need an ear that will listen to me... a heart that will feel with me... a brain that will share with me... and a shoulder that will occasionally just let me rest my head and let me cry... Because I shall be perceived as strong these needs will usually be unmet. That will be my weakness. Not doing and not being able to do for myself what I unquestioningly do for everyone who touches my life.

It will happen to anyone who begins to practice mindfulness and empathy in their day-to-day interactions. The moments of loneliness will be excruciatingly alone. Yet, it is a life worth living that defines our success as a person who has walked this world.

So... From sympathy... to empathy...

Is it chemistry? Or Biology? Or Culture?

2010-04-03T12:21:00.000-07:00

Love is a feeling of great commitment and devotion that one can feel- often very strongly. It could be a devotion to another person, or an abstract principle or even a place or an inanimate object.

Usually when you love another person, you would be referring to a feeling that conveys more than merely liking this person. Love, especially the romantic love tends to overtake one's mind and time.

Filial love tends to be a strong sense of bonding and is definitely associated with chemical changes in the body. Oxytocin levels are at their highest in new mothers and lovers discovering themselves.

In the very beginning, there is only an increase of the estrogen and testosterone levels. This translates into a feeling that promotes attention to an object of attraction- promotes, infact an instinct to mate.

Other chemicals associated with the feeling of intense attraction are dopamine, norepinephrine and serotonin. These chemicals stimulate the pleasure centre of the brain. This directly explains the observed effects of loss of appetite, loss of attention to the surroundings, sleeplessness and intense excitement. This is the first stage of attraction and may last as little as a year or two.

This is however, a very chemical analysis of that warm fuzzy feeling we all call love.

Chemistry explains why we feel our heart fluttering, we feel the need to connect at a very primal level. However, the lasting relationships we form are more psychological than chemical. We would like to relate to another, find a confidante who can serve to hold us in moments of need and weakness, who can offer that shoulder to cry on and finally to feel the feeling that allows us to help another reach his spiritual potential. That is true love... allow another achieve their spiritual potential.

Love , thus is not simply a feeling, but an activity that is an ongoing source of contentment in a life well lived.

Can love hurt?

2010-04-02T12:16:00.000-07:00

If you find love... stay with the feeling. It is a place where you are safe and cocooned. A place that allows you to BE.

Love does not hurt.
Love gives. Unconditionally.
And accepts. Without expectations.

There are times when it feels good to hear and see the feeling in action. These times only serve to stroke the spinal chord. They are the food for the heart and the mind. They are the sustenance of the soul.

In this world of love, hurt and hate have no place.

Why does it hurt, then, in love?

The person who is getting hurt is choosing to get hurt.
The person who is inflicting hurt is probably not even aware of it!
Whenever one gets hurt, s(h)e feels so BECAUSE they have allowed the other to hurt them. This power is granted freely in loving relationships. And never used or abused. It is all in the mind of the person getting hurt!

In other words, if you love someone, you cannot hurt this person. If this person still feels hurt about soething, anything, it is a feeling they have chosen to feel.

If I love someone, and am feeling hurt, I have granted that power to hurt to the person I love. Not the other way round. A very difficult situation and yet, so simple... The power to hurt is yours alone to grant.

Love will NEVER hurt.

What is love?

2010-04-02T02:04:00.000-07:00

Love comes in many forms... It is the feeling you have for your soul mate. It is also the feeling you have for your children. You also have this feeling for your friends. Each time you feel the feeling you feel so full that you think it is not possible to feel a greater feeling. It fills the insides of your heart and mind so completely that it overtakes you- and dares you to defy it! And, soon enough, slowly, very s...l...o...w...l...y... it begins anew with a new focus. And you find the same feeling growing again!

When we are children, our life revolves around the parents, friends and a few teachers who define our world and create our perspective and world view. We are brimming with love and adulation, and a lot of curiosity. It never really occurs to a child that the feeling he feels is strange, or even meaningful. It defines the child's life and his happiness. A little more time passes and we begin to identify new sources for the beginning of this circle we call love. We draw one circle to include this friend and another one for that one. May be, if we are lucky we will draw another circle for that special teacher or that special Uncle/ aunt who connect with us and our thinking in a way that cuts across distance and time. We draw more and more circles. All are circles of inclusion and involvement.

We connect.

Then, we grow older still. We enter the teen years and finally adulthood with some trepidation, and some expectation. Some will just have to cultivate love where they sit and walk and run. There will be others who will find love in the wilderness of life and put roots to their togetherness, grow roots and grow strong together.
Completion.
We are all somewhat incomplete without the feeling and feel somewhat contented with life when we have the feeling we all call love.

Have you ever tried to explain the feeling?

Has anyone ever really been able to define it?
Saying you love someone- parent, child, friend or lover- conveys a feeling that no one has been able to capture in words and each feels somewhat differently.

Love is a warm sunny feeling an a cool winter morning. It is the warmth and the cool together. It is the comfort and the ability to take on the whole world. It is not only the ability to take on the whole world but also the ability to beat the hell out of all the nay-sayers!

Love is WANTING to do things for the one you love.
Love is WANTING to see your loved one smile.
LOVE is what makes everything else worthwhile.

If you are lucky enough to find it- fight hard, tooth and nail to keep it!
Else, if you have not found it, GET UP, Get going, AND FIND IT.
Be open.
However, even if you choose to be closed, LOVE WILL FIND ITS WAY!
Love is what really makes the world and life possible.
Not just at the very primal level but also in the continuation of life and living a meaningful life!

Attitude of gratefulness...

2010-03-16T05:44:00.000-07:00

I am grateful for all that I have-
First and foremost, the great family- lovely children, fantastic husband,
A great mind, spirited soul,
A healthy body,
And...
And...
And I am really grateful for the friends and care-takers God has put all around me.

So many good people care about and for me that I can only feel humbled by God's love for me. Thank you God, for loving so freely and surrounding me with people who can show your caring and love so freely.

A childhood friend's elder sister stays very close to my hospital and follows a teacher we all know only as Bhabhi. Bhabhi has devoted her entire life to uplifting her neighbourhood. She has a dream, surely. A passion that will come true in some shape or the other- but she is a gentle, loving, caring person.

People go to her because she takes away all pain.
She came to me for a pain she should not- could not have had in the first place!
It was as if she HAD to come to meet me and bless me. She sends me her blessings often and consents to meet me alone- whenever I have wanted to lean, she has been there.

Once she recounted to me her own story- about how difficult it becomes for people who are considered strong- pillars of strength. These are the people who are 'supposed' to help everybody their lives touch. These are the people who do not need support! She was often told, 'You don't need any help! You can handle it!"

I have, personally heard this line so often that I cringe saying it to anyone else. If you are strong, you donot need an occasional rest?! No shoulder to lean on or shed an occasional tear on?! I felt my eyes becoming moist... my dam breaking up and the pent-up feelings came flowing out in a flood. This had to be God reaching out to stroke me... to lighten my burden... to hold my hand and provide me that shoulder...

And very recently, another old friend introduced me to his Guru. Someone who again gives freely, provides protection and safety in a world so full of people who do not care...

It is said- "Ask, and it shall be given."

I do not agree!

I have not even had to ask!

Thank you GOD!
For Health, mind, intellect, soul, spirit, and for people who care and love freely and abundantly...

It is quite possible that the attitude of gratefulness brings more and more into life. It is at such times that one does not know what to do with that abundance except pass it on.

If in some small manner, I am able to make a difference to even one person, I gladly would.

This also means my life, action and behaviour have to be immaculate and attentive. I cannot let even a single moment pass whereby someone who could have got something from me goes back without it.

It also means my life, action and behaviour have to be simple, open and easily shared. Anyone who can feel connected, should be able to BE connected.

It is like being a good goal keeper. It matters not how many you saved. The one goal that you missed may be the critical one! The one goal you missed, the one person who deserves but fails to get your love and attention may be the goal that makes all the difference.

What will you have done with your day when the sun goes down?

Will you have brought a smile to one face?

Will you have held and loved one child?

Will you have passed on your love and sincerity to one person?

Will you...

Will you...

Who are we?

2010-03-12T19:35:00.000-08:00

The earliest traceable 'religious' are those who could have an experience which was out of the ordinary. They could somehow 'connect' to some force or flow and communicate with it, draw from it and reveal the hidden to the ordinary humans.

These 'Shamans', however, were also human.

Were their experiences really extraordinary? If their predictions came true, they proved their supernatural ability. If their predictions failed, they could be in one of two situations- they had failed once or they were never in touch!

If they could predict, can we assume that we are doomed to predestiny? Were, will be and always have been? What of free-will? And choice? We, as a race, claim these as unique mental faculties. What of our claim to a higher place on the hierarchy of life, solely on the premise that we have an extra-ordinary attribute? Are we the only species capable of something extraordinary?

Are we truly higher on the evolutionary scale?
Are we truly alone in the entire universe?

We must stop for a moment... Pause... and contemplate...

We are on Earth, which is one planet in one solar system in one galaxy. There are trillions of quintillion of galaxies, each with their own solar systems. It would, indeed, be extraordinary were we the only living creatures in the entire Universe!

If we were to take and consider an analogy from modern science- even computational neuroscience, we would begin to realise the enormity of our existence as also its insignificance!

There are scientists today who are duplicating a thinking, responding brain in robotics. A thinking, responding BRAIN! This is the Blue Gene Project. Exorbitant, but existent.

A robot that will think and respond like the human brain.
'We' have made it in our own image!
(Refer to the Bible- God made man in his own image)

We are in the process of becoming a Creator from being the created. If two or three or two hundred or three hundred or many many such Robotic Brains, capable of thinking and responding were to be put in a room, or a city or a country, what would their thoughts be? What would they respond to? What would they perceive of the environment? Would they think about their origin? Would their 'thinking' and 'responding' brain be able to conceptualise a Creator? Their Creator? When would such a search begin? What would it reveal? Would it really be cost-effective for the Creator to simply discard the exorbitantly expensive robots and consign them to the junk pile once their casing/ body was unable to perform? Would it make sense for The Brain to be retrieved and placed in a new casing to continue on...
Interesting as the scenario looks, outlandish as it feels, it is really not that far away into an unknown future with computational neurosciences and robotics progressing the way they are.

Such robots would be 'able' to 'think' and 'respond' only to the extent the Creator allows them to. Read that again- slowly. Such robots would be able to think and respond only to the extent their Creator ALLOWS them to!

They would be able to receive and perceive only what the creator will allow into their sphere of experience!

In the vastness of the Universe being the only thinking responding race is a highly unlikely proposition. Is it not equally likely that the Creator who created us, has put the seed of curiosity and enquiry in our 'thinking' and 'responding' mind? And this Creator is now slowly- very slowly, beginning to reveal itself to us? This Creator is now allowing us to experience the 'need' to observe, know and analyse the questions which till now did not enter our radar of experience.

Increasing number of people are having what they call mystical experiences that convert them from reluctant believers to ardent followers. Increasing number of people are beginning to feel that their life is full, yet empty! These are the people who begin to seek!

Some people do know they want to seek. They do know what they are looking for. There are, however, countless others who are simply trying to figure out what it is that is making them restless!

A teacher always makes the search easier. A map always makes the journey easier!

Find your way. Embark on your journey- with help or without- but travel you must.

Control dramas and human interactions

2010-02-26T19:33:00.000-08:00

Try and read this slowly.

The whole world - animate and inanimate is composed of foci of energy. The energy is not and cannot be static so it keeps shifting. The mountains form and crumble and the earth shakes and tectonic plates collide to generate ever new 'inanimate' energy centres. Would you call this inanimate? It is very much a dynamic animate entity that moves dramatically across millenia and the impact, thus, is seen in retrospect- generations after the whole process began.
It is still considered a scientific mystery as to how the Universe formed and what is still, in the present happening to it outside our observable limits. Notice I say outside our OBSERVABLE limits. What we cannot observe, we cannot fathom. It still IS. It does not cease to exist simply because we cannot and sometimes will not see it!

Each life form- animate or inanimate contributes to the flow of energy that sustains the Universe. For the energy to keep flowing, it has to keep moving. It follows the simple universal laws of nature and flows along the gradient.

The sun shines. The plants take it up as do the rocks and the oceans. The energy then gets transformed into life sustaining food and life-generating forces of the earth, the water and the wind. The energy moves on and feeds the deer and the deer is then eaten by the lion. Simple food chain you would assume.

The water gets heated, rises and cools, pouring down and quenching the thirst of the earth and the world below. Simple water cycle you would say. The wind flutters and exerts its own influence on the flora and the fauna, upon the earth and the beings that live on it.This Flow is what determines the sustained life force. This flow is Universal. Available to you and to me just as much as it is to anyone else. It requires no special apparatus to tap into this universal life force.

Over a period of time, while most of the raw, native and virgin Nature follows the principle of Energy exchange, we, humans have isolated ourselves. We have cut ourselves off from the life sustaining and enriching force that is all around us. We have forgotten that all we have to do is OPEN UP. When we see someone doing this- opening up to receive the force we call them spiritual or sometimes label them various names if the whole thing is beyond the scope of our OBSERVABLE limits.

Since we have cut ourselves off, but energy is not static, the mere act of 'being' depletes it if the connection is not established. If we are not connected to receive, we feel denergised and look for alternate sources to replenish our depleted energy. We only know how to connect to other humans around us so we establish patterns that allow us to tap into energy of these humans. We also try to get energy from our food and water- but that is on the superficial plane. The life force is not sustained by fuel that burns. Life force is sustained by energy that generates.

These energy interactions that humans have with each other fall into four rough patterns. The 'Celestine Prophecy' describes these best.

There are four basic type of people- Intimidators, Interrogators, Aloofs and Poor me. These control and energy hooking dramas are acquired through childhood influences of our cultures and parents. These are usually unconscious and may at times shift somewhat along the spectrum.

This may be a passive drama, playing on other people's curiosity or sympathy to gain attention ( hence, energy). When it is sympathy one is seeking, he plays out the Poor Me Drama. These people would play out how everything happening to them is horrible and perhaps, the other is responsible for all their misfortune. If you refuse to help this Poor me, he is probably going to simply finish- all because of you. Guilt. You always end up feeling guilty around such people, and a strange depression you know is not justifiable cloaks every interaction you have with these people.
When one simply clams up, not wanting to share anything with their mate/ peers or spouse, they are trying to arouse curiosity by being Aloof. Aloof would get vague and distant, closed clams. They draw energy to themselves by forcing others to pay extra attention simply to be part of a family or peer group. All those around them would constantly be on their feet lest this person clams up again.

An Interrogator would be probing everything about you- finding that one crack in your armour that he can use to hook into your energy. He will criticise you simply on that weak point and suck your energy literally. This person will slowly but surely undermine your confidence in yourself. You are his victim- you can either defend yourself by becoming the Poor Me or by becoming Aloof.

And the most aggressive are the Imtimidators. These are the people who will use force or threat to incite fear that if you do not do their bidding something terrible will befall you. Some parents are well meaning Intimidators- they are aggressive, get angered easily and threaten dire consequences for not listening to them. They are proud to proclaim themselves well-meaning strict parents. However, they will only promote the Aloof or the Poor Me counter drama in their children. And in the extreme cases, the child grows up into another Intimidator.

Sooner or later, we have to realise that the Energy Flow is all around us. We have to learn to re-hook to nature rather than suck each others' energy. We have to learn to NOT PLAY ANY DRAMAS.

When we are open and connected to the Nature's Energy path, we receive freely and fill up without having to compete for it. But... we have to be equally open to passing it on as we are to receiving it. After all, there is only as much tea you may fill in cup or a kettle. If you fill to the brim and do not pour out, you will only overflow. The stagnant energy will run cold just like the tea that is left untouched. Even if you are constantly connected till you empty out the cold tea, no matter how much you pour from the top, the tea will stay cold.

When we interact with our children, when we interact with our spouses and with our friends, we may be different things at different times, but predominantly we tend to practice one drama to perfection.

Look at yourself. Become the spectator. And disconnect all dramas. Objectively interact with peers and with children. No threat. No victim mentality. You are given EXACTLY WHAT YOU NEED TO BECOME WHAT YOU MUST BECOME. No one else has any role in it except may be help you identify the final goal or even the important milestones or even the path you need to take. The energy you need is free. It need not be sucked from your husband or wife, from your son or your daughter or even your friends.

Those that we call spiritually heightened souls have achieved this connection and are open to both receiving and giving.
Each of us has that capacity. We only need to raise our consciousness to the next level.

This may be a dramatic time in Human history when more and more people are feeling restless despite successful lives and this may be due to the fact that it is time to reconnect. I am reminded of yet another line that I read somewhere, I do not know the source. I wonder whether man is a Human being seeking a spiritual experience or a spiritual being living a human one. I would tend to say we are spiritual beings who have chosen to live a human existence.

It really looks like the time to wake up is now- we may do it happily or we may be forced to do so unhappily. But wake up we shall all have to.

My family

2010-02-25T08:06:00.000-08:00

It is late, very late at night. Infact, it would be more appropriate to call it very early hours of the next morning. It is pitch dark outside. No stars and a small, tiny sliver of the moon is reflecting just about sufficient light to be just seen. No more. It illuminates itself. It does not light up the dark night. The air is cold and thick. Like a blanket that may be held in your hands. It requires only that we rise to the next level of consciousness.

Everyone around me is sleeping. And watching my family in this room- all of us together, is something I would not trade for anything else in the world. Call me old fashioned- but here I am. Watching. Contented. Somewhat pained but mostly at peace.

We all have our moments of love- and of despair. Of peace- and of war. However, each moment passes into the next. And into eternity. We come into this world alone. We will depart alone. We know not where we came from. We know not where we will go henceforth. We do know that we fill the interim between the so called birth and death with love and hate, friendships and enmities, peace and war, and with relationships. Most of all- relationships.

It is only in reference to our world and those around us that we express our emotions.

We are what we are. However, we manifest a persona that interacts and emotes. The real us is deep within and we keep looking without. Yet the superficial manifest self consumes us passionately.

Tonight watching my husband in deep sleep, while I sit awake, reading and writing, I catch my thoughts mid stream.

I love this man.

One foot just peeping out from the edge of the blanket appears strangely beautiful. I do not want him to give me love, or time, or money even. I donot want him to feel limited by my presence in his life. I only want him by my side.

I only want him by my side.

I can deak with anything. I can play any hand dealt to me. But I want only that this man I call my husband be beside me.

My sleeping children only serve to strengthen my resolve.

I am not a saint nor a sage. Only a normal human being. I have my moments of turmoil and of attachment. I want to be attached. I an not ready to look at the world God has put around me with detachment.

I want my children to grow up into fine human beings. I want to be able to impart to them the wisdom to discriminate between good and bad and to be able to hold on to what is vital to the fabric of life. Being who they are, they will learn anyway. But I want to be the one playing this role in their lives. God gave me the role- it is my duty to make sure I do this well.

No sacrifice is big enough for this role. For this duty. For this life.

Infact, nothing can be called a sacrifice when compared to this value system and belief in life's sacred thread.

And yet, there are moments when I begin to doubt myself... when I ask myself whether I am doing the right thing? Whether I have so far been doing the right thing? Why do I sometimes feel so helpless, angry and alone? Why must I carry all the burden alone? And then... I withdraw from the scene and watch myself. Objectively. Then, I tell myself, I'm OK. It will only get better and better. It has to!

That was yesterday!

2010-02-16T07:34:00.000-08:00

That was yesterday!

Today the game was over before it had begun.

My body was an automaton, working to a spinal routine it follows everyday. There was no fight in me. My mind was being churned by a thousand thoughts moving at whirlwind speed with the destructive force of a devastating tornado. My heart and soul were still trying to recover. There... really... was... no... fight... left in me!

Some long lost line I had read in some far away past by an author I do not remember flashed on my mental screen -" And all we can hope for is to die in our sleep" May be it was a Kenny G song- Gambler? Why did he say it? When did he say it? Was it part of a song? Poem? Book? I was not sure. I tried to detach myself from the thought and analyze it. The only analysis that I could make was this- " I know how you feel."

Today was one of those days that I was down and blue right at the onset of the day. It was a carryover from yesterday. It had been a horrible day yesterday. I did not want to talk about it but I was finding myself dragged deep into a dungeon I did not like. I am not like this! I reminded myself. It did not work.

As I turned the final turning to the hospital at a very sedate pace- not really caring whether I was on time or not, I suddenly realised I had to reach at 8:30 today for a common meeting. Not the usual nine. I had left home at 8:30. Down in dumps. Hating the thought of having to get out of bed today. Hating to get into the car today. really not wanting to drive today.

The battle was really hopelessly lost even before it had begun. I had lost this one somewhere in the restless night's sleep.

Happy Valentine's day!

Looking back at yesterday's post, it seemed poignat that the two successive days should be host to two entirely different mental attitudes from the same person. One upbeat and the other hopelessly depressed.

Like it is said in our Scriptures, Highs and lows of life are like the movement of a wheel, up today, down tomorrow. Neither rejoice in delight nor cry in sorrow... these are cyclic changes.

सुखं आपतितम सेव्यं दुखम आपतितम तथा
चक्रवात परिवर्तन्ते दुखानी च सुखानी च

This is the best that google transliteration could do. I know there are spelling errors in this one. What it means is - As one welcomes happiness, so should one accept the sorrow that comes. Both, happiness and sorrow are parts of the same wheel and change cyclically one after the other.

The game

2010-02-14T22:56:00.000-08:00

The game is not lost till it is won. And till you have even a minute of game left, you have sixty seconds worth of chance to win.

These were the thoughts swimming in my head at breakneck speed on my way to the hospital.

It was 8:55 am. I had reached the ITO crossing. I knew if I found this signal red, it would take away three minutes of precious time I had left to reach BEFORE nine.

I rejoiced. YES! I rejoiced. The signal was green! This had to be God telling me winning could be a possibility. I crossed the crossing( well... what else would you do to a crossing!?) The road ahead was clear. Strange at this time of the day. Now, I had this stretch of a clear road ahead and the final traffic signal. If this too was green, I would be in time.

Red. I saw from a distance. Oh no! three minutes. My eyes moved from the road to the dashboard. the clock was incessantly moving. Who can stop or slow down time? Theory of relativity is great but not when you have a deadline in a few minutes.

8:56, the clock proclaimed. I was drawing nearer to the signal. I slowed the car. 60kmph to 50. Still red. Further slowed to 40 and then 30. The signal turned green, I was still a few yards away. Yippee! My heart jumped for joy.

8:57.
I knew I could not cover the last stretch in three minutes. But, it was not a lost cause. Till the last second ticked and the clock actually said nine, the fight was not over! I kept on.

8:58.
Very close. Almost at the gate. No milk truck had come in the way, no cycle rickshaw overloaded with tiny school children rolling slowly in front of me. I was at the gate. Now only to turn in! I had made it. The triumph of spirit over matter. The triumph of fortune over time.

Just then, not one but two cycle rickshaws entered my field of vision. Coming in from the opposite side, almost at the gate. They did not stop. I had to stop to let them pass.

8:59.
One rickshaw passed. The next one rolled along. These two s...l...o...w...l...y passed my next few seconds away in an excruciating transit in front of the hospital gate. The clock struck nine. I was still out here!

The game was over.

I was, however, strangely at peace... I had tried, almost won, and then, not really but very nearly lost. Was this so important? Would it be as important tomorrow? Would it be so dramatic after a year? After five years?

Are we educating our children?

2010-01-27T10:03:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, we as parents and educators are so busy trying to provide the children with answers that the children lose the art of asking and approaching questions.

The focus of any successful teaching strategy MUST be to impart a sense of wonder, and adventure to everyday learning. Everyday learning should be a habit that the children enjoy not a task that they need to complete, forcibly.

The basic academic skills that are often talked of are the result of extremely loving nurturing teachers. Much more than student motivation, this requires a dedicated teacher. I would, thus probably put more importance on self learning ability.

On our recent trip to Rishikesh, we were taken aback by two things- on the road to Rishikesh. UP is FULL of educational institutions- schools and colleges and universities. Every second building that you see on the highway is a University. It has the well known premier institutions like the Regional Engineering College and the IIT Roorkie as well many many lesser known institutions that dot the landscape so densely that you can barely see the land. AND... yet... you have a population that can barely read, knows and shows little civic sense, is living from day to day in a rut they appear to have created for themselves with these numerous degree possibilities!

Will the University of XYZ equip them to deal with the new situations life will inevitably throw at them? Will a certificate or a piece of paper make sure they know how to LIVE?

Tough questions these, for educators and for us as citizens.

We need more teaching strategies like the ones Amir seems to be promoting in his recent flick- Three Idiots. As well as one that I am currently experiencing- Kumon. More on this a little later! It is we who have to make sure we make the children ABLE to SEEK and look for questions as much as look for answers!

Driving into the clouds...

2010-01-21T10:57:00.001-08:00

21012010052, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

I drive down this road every day. Twice a day.
I know every turn, curve and bank on this road.

I knew where I was going even if all I could see ahead of me was a cloud of fog so dense that it could be cut with a knife and yet so nebulous that it seemed to part with the exhalation of each car cutting through it.

Visibility was down to only five feet or so. This picture was taken with my mobile from a moving car... the motion blur can be seen...

Yet- with the confidence that comes with habitual familiarity, I could go at a steady pace. Each few feet revealed a further few feet. All this while the road gone by was engulfed in the swirling fog again.

The goal was clear. Reach the hospital. In time.

The direction was clear. Sometimes a car ahead with the rear blinkers on made the progress faster. Mostly I could trust my driving ability and my familiarity with this path. I knew I would get there. Where ever there is!

Life's roads are often like this. You may not be able to see very far ahead. You simply have to start. Then, each step reveals more along the path. You must only define your goal and set the correct direction. The path ahead is revealed just as the past is swallowed. Sometimes one comes across some friend peer or guide who make the progress faster. They simply have to be moving in the same general direction. We must also let go when our directions diverge.

As Dory said in " Finding Nemo", "Keep on swimming. Just keep on swimming."

Is true love for real?

2010-01-20T10:47:00.000-08:00

I was once asked this question... Is true love for real?

My answer...

True love is.

I have seen it in my grandmother's eyes when she was dying in my grandfather's lap after a long disabling illness.

I saw it in my grandfather's touch when, at the age of 80 he cared for my ailing grandmother. Untiringly.

I felt it in the suppressed sobs of my tough- hard- as-nails- father when I informed him of his father's demise.

I have basked in it each time I see my parents together- my father is nearing 70 and my mother is on the wrong side of 60. Even today when they look at each other- there is magic in the air! They still hold hands and laugh together as teenagers would! Their bright faces tell of a deeply felt strength and confidence for whatever life may deal out to them.

I have felt it when my husband can look at me across a roomful of people and speak with his eyes! It is as if everyone else just fades away and we are alone- together. The look, the touch, the smile, the care- it is all reassuring.

True love is atleast as much about being possessed as about possessing! It is atleast as much about being cared for as it is about caring for.

True love does not mean absence of conflict or even an occassional battle- whether of ego or of wits. True love is not even loving despite these conflicts. It is about there being no question about the love even in the bitterest of fights.

Love is everywhere... it is the feeling of being special for someone... a friend, a child, a student, a man or a woman... it could be anyone who wants to talk and share with you... who can lift your spirit when it is sagging and make you fly when you are already up... And you are often surprised at the human capacity to love so many people simultaneously in so many different ways that it is difficult to count!

Love is when a little child with crumpled flowers in his little hand wants to wish you a Happy Mother's Day on just about Happy any day! Love is also when your friend calls you in an ecstatic moment of glory and recognition and feels great at the appreciation you give... love is also when you can be together despite the distance!

True love is. I have found it.

Did you do your good deed for the day?

2009-09-16T11:39:00.000-07:00

When I was a kid, I often saw my father help a child polishing shoes by the roadside or the sweeper picking up the garbage or the poor child whose clothes seemed torn or... Well, the list could go on.

I found this a most remarkable and energizing influence in our family life. This ability to give freely and wholeheartedly may not have been unique to my family but the manner in which it was done was extraordinary.

My father was not so rich that he could just throw away money. Yet he maintained that we were among the more fortunate blessed by Almighty and we must always be grateful for this. We must do what we can, when we can, and where we can- as much as we can. Most importantly, we must do... for doing... not for the results- the fame or the reputation or the money... We must feel the need that we fulfill for others and we would indeed feel fulfilled ourselves.

It was a strange philosophy but it taught us that a good deed was from the heart... not for any ends. His classical advice was that your left hand must not get to know that your right has done something good.

When I see so many people sharing about the good deed for the day, I wonder... When one hand must not know that the other has given, how do people share their 'good' deeds? Do people do good for doing good or for bragging that they did?

I do my share of 'doing good'. I follow my father's advice. I do not talk about it.

I think it cuts both ways. Maybe, as a single person, doing my little bit I am not making earth shattering difference to the world. But to the few who are touched by me, and the few who touch me, each experience is profound.

Do you like to 'brag' you did something good? Or you ... just... do... it??

Do you have it in you?

2009-09-05T03:41:00.000-07:00

Remember the Incy Wincy spider? It has been one of the most lasting nursery rhymes even in my children's memory. Incy Wincy climbs up the spout and the rain washes him out. When the rain is over and the sun is drying up everything... Incy starts on the climb again.

Persistence.

Stick-to- it-iveness.

And Resilience.

Observe the spider building its web- thread by flimsy thread. The work of art may take some time to build but it always looks awesome. (We...lll...!!! It inspires the kind of feeling you look at it with!)

And were you to compare the web's strength with what we percieve to be one of Modern man's stronger inventions- steel... we would find the web is stronger. If you take enough threads of the web and bind them together to the same diameter as the steel cable you want to use for the comparision. Something about the Young's Modulus as I remember from my high school days. You might break the steel cable but the web? Nah!

Have you ever seen a spider trying to find its way up a bathroom sink or the kitchen sink? It is diligently working its way up the slope, slipping, going back up, slipping again and keeping on going. The spider does that. Admirable. The you turn the tap on and the water starts flowing. The spider has now to move against the current. What does it do? Does it give up and flow with the current, go down the drain, quite literally? No, sir! Not the spider. The spider digs its "heels" in and just hangs on. The spider does not struggle against the deluge. It does not try to fight against the current. It does not waste its energy. It stops. Period.

The tap is turned off and the spider starts crawling again.

Even Dory had this to tell everyone in "Finding Nemo"- Just keep on swimming...

And Nike? Just do it! Nike's words have been an inspiration for countless people all over the globe ever since 1988. It has been one of the longest running campaigns. nike defines what the central philosophy for any achiever should be. Just... Do... It...

There will be times when you feel everything is going your way. You are unstoppable. Nothing can go wrong and nothing does. There are other times when nothing is going your way and you just cannot break the inertia of being a dead weight. Everything is bleak. If life did not have its ups and downs, it would not be life. The EKG that represents the heart's activity also keeps going up and down. A flat EKG is death.

So be like the spider. Dig in if you can not do anything else. Stop everything that you are doing and rally your energy, gather all your force... wait... Then- Just do it!

When did it all change?

2009-08-31T10:52:00.001-07:00

This is a real sms I received from a friend... It set me thinking... When did it all change? And did it change for all? Are there more people out there who really are doing what they wanted to do all along? Is this just mid-life crisis? Have a look...

I am sitting 'n thinking
thinking hard about life. How it changed from a simple college life to the strict professional life.

How the pocket money changed to huge pay cheques. But the happiness became as little as the pay cheque became bigger.

How the local jeans changed to new branded wardrobe but there are less occasions to wear these clothes.

How a single plate of samosas changed to a full pizza but there is less hunger for food and more for something to do.

How the bike always in reserve changed to a car with a full tank- always on and ready to go. Only there are no more places that we want to go.

How the ta by the road side changed to Cafe Coffee Day/ Barrista... but the thirst is never satisfied and the shops are always so far away.

How the limited prepaid card in the mobile changed to post paid limitless package but we have less people that we really want to call up and talk to.

How a general bus ride changed to third class train tickets to First class AC to flights... but there are less vacations for enjoyment and more of those business trips that we do not want to make.

Further, this friend goes on to say...

I want to go back to the time when "getting high " meant "on a swing"
... when " drinking" meant Coke or even Fanta
... when dad was the only hero
... when "love" was a heart felt hug from mom
... when "dad's shoulder" was the highest place on earth
... when "worst enemy" was your sibling who fought with you
... when the things that "hurt" were skinned knees
... when the only things "broken" were your toys
... when "goodbyes" meant "See you tomorrow"

Anyone out there who feels like this?
Anyone out there who wants to change the way they are living but find their "life" pulling them deeper and deeper into the quagmire we have begun to call "life- style"?
Anyone who wants to make a difference?
Anyone who wants to reconnect? with life and love and sibling rivalry and the rest?

Please...
Come forward...
Let us start a movement...
We can... can we not?

What kind of a world are we living in?

2009-07-30T20:18:00.000-07:00

16 year old school boy killed by gym instructor! Screamed the headlines. The roar was deafening and the pain immeasurable. What could be the reason for this senseless killing?

The abductors were known to the victim. They met him at the local gym he went to. One of them was even a twice over Mr Delhi. "All for a few dollars more"? Abductetd a mere forty meters from home! Are our children safe anywhere?

What can we do as parents and responsible citizens to make this world a safer place for our children?
Educate them. Worry not about the effect such education can have on their innocence. It is needed to equip them with the knowledge that there are times to raise alarm and times to fight back. They need to know that such elements that can harm them may be atlarge and nothing can replace them.

Train them. The children need to be well trained in the art of self defence. Any such art not only strengthens their body, it also trains their mind towards resilience and focus. In a country like Israel, where each citizen goes through the army training, no one can touch a woman or a child and get away with it without punishment. This type of training also instills a discipline and law abiding population.

Be alert. Adults need to be alert, too. Someone who saw the incident could have thwarted the attempt. It can happen to anyone. My children. Your children. Anyone. If you see anything extraordinary, trust your own instinct as much as you want the children to trust theirs. Do not be afraid to raise alarm or even rush to the defnce of a threatened citizen- man, woman or child.

Demand accountability. If even half of our working population in India just started doing their own work , our society would be remarkable. If we want security agencies to provide security, we should not accept any less from our Government and from the police. We should, at the same time, also take responsibility for our own micro environments and ensure local safety in zones of influence aound us.When you demand, have the sense of responsibility to give in equal measure- both co-operation and social justice and accountability.

Stand together. We have suffered for ages because we were busy fighting each other. This allowed outsiders to invade and stay on so easily and for so long that we lost our own sense of self worth and strength. It is now time to start small groups of togetherness that can start a movement that spreads like a forest fire- slow to start but with a very little effort and very little wind gets out of control.

WE NEED TO MAKE OUR LOCALITY, OUR CITY, OUR COUNTRY A SAFER PLACE .
And only we can do that. Not our police. Not our government.

If each one of us is able to encourage just three to five people to respond to the situation with courage and resilience, and each of those is further able to do it with as many more, we will have started a movement that will be unstoppable.

I will. Will you? And you? And you?

Now back to the trigger...

2009-06-03T11:05:00.001-07:00

And as promised, I shall get back to the original train of thoughts...

When an organism's body is invaded by foreign living matter- virus or bacteria etc, it gets sick. The body mounts a reaction to fight and kill the invaders. The invaders are harmful to the body because they compete for the same resources for survival and sustenance. The body, as in humans, for example ( this is easy to visualize), we mount a reaction of fever, depletion and tiredness. We may throw up and vomit, we may collapse from lack of energy and eventually, if we are not able to kill the invader, we get killed.

Now, consider the macrocosm... the universe. We are invading the earth, competing for the same resources that make the earth what it is. We are simply taking away and not replacing- like parasites that invade our bodies. The earth is fighting back! The fever (global warming) and the throwing up ( floods, volcanoes) and the trembling (earthquakes) are happening more and more.

Either the earth will succeed in surviving, will kill the parasitic invader who is becoming a nemesis or will die out taking the invading organism (us) with it!

Who or what is to say that we are primary forms of life and the bacteria/viruses that cause the flu or the malaria or the meningitis have any less right to survival than us? What makes our killing these with vaccines and antibiotics justifiable and their life killing us unjustifiable. And what makes the earth any less living than any of us? What if the earth is an entity that has been infected by us whereas the other planets are pristine and healthy? Living and pulsating entities?

Is that not an interesting point of view? A really fantastic leap from the microcosm to the macrocosm?

Either we must learn to survive in a symbiotic relationship, whereby we contribute as much to the earth's survival as we take away from her or we must perish- whether the earth's immune reaction kills us or her own death takes our lives away, too.

Life? What really is it?

2009-06-02T11:39:00.000-07:00

Something my husband said the other day set me thinking...

We, as doctors can have an objective view of often distressing issues and can effectively detach our emotions from some situations while maintaining a mental involvement with them. This allows us to avoid DIStress and deal with other's illnesses more objectively.

After more than fifteen years of being a doctor, I have not been able to master the art of detachment. I still cry with a sick child and still feel sorry for a dying patient. I still feel fascinated by the enigma of what really changes in the moment of death.

I have always been fascinated by the question... It is the same chemicals, arranged in the same visible formation and yet in one moment the 'electricity' goes off! The Hydrogen, Oxygen, Nitrogen, carbon, etc are still there. But the vital force simply... switches off.

Where is the switch?

Where is the source? and where does it go? Does the body change in any way other than losing its ... aaahhh... LIFE?

Interestingly, there was a study done by some scientists to find out if they could identify the entity called LIFE. They found out that the body becomes fourteen to twenty grams lighter in the moment of death! The obvious conclusion was that the soul is something that weighs as much!

It is as difficult to solve the mystery of mind and the brain... The structure that is nearly ninety percent water, looks like a dirty jelly, is protected by our skull, and appears to be the seat of control of all our bodily functions, works through endless, ceaseless electrical activity, the tiny currents drive innumerable chemicals through microchannels- This STRUCTURE is the brain. The thoughts and the activity, the feelings and the consciousness, even the subconsciousness- are the MIND.

The hardware is the body. The software? Life?

Random thoughts, these. The trigger? Left somewhere in the maze of my mind. I might write about it next... Are we infecting the earth?

English? Logical!?

2009-05-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

Can anyone let me know who thought up this masterpiece? It found its way into my mailbox. Anonymous! It always brings a smile to my face! I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.
Most of the rules of English have exceptions! IS it not?
ENJOY!!!

I take it you already know,
Of tough and bough and cough and dough.
Others may stumble, but not you,
On hiccough, thorough, laugh and through.
Well done! And now you wish, perhaps,
To learn of less familiar traps. Beware of heard, a dreadful word,
That looks like beard and sounds like bird.
And dead - it’s said like bed, not bead,
For goodness’ sake, don’t call it ‘deed’!
Watch out for meat and great and threat,
(They rhyme with suite and straight and debt). A moth is not a moth in mother,
Nor both in bother, broth in brother.
And here is not a match for there,
Nor dear and fear for bear and pear.
And then there’s dose and rose and lose –
Just look them up – and goose and choose.
And cork and work and card and ward,
And font and front and word and sword. And do and go and thwart and cart –
Come, come, I’ve hardly made a start! A dreadful language? Why man alive!
I’d mastered it when I was five.

The woman in Red!

2009-04-28T11:50:00.000-07:00

We were at a pool in Pokhara... Our daughter was still experimenting with water and would not let us swim to our heart's desire. This had a flip side. We saw a lot... and learned much about what makes people the people they are!

The object of our attention that day ( apart, ofcourse from the little lady in pink- our princess) was an old lady wearing a red bikini. She looked at least seventy, if not more. She was in a deep conversation with a young man, oblivious of all others around her.

She suddenly moved to the side of the pool and instead of reaching for the stairwell, she reached for the side slab, did a smart hand stand and gracefully pulled her legs over, getting out of the pool like a smart cat. The only thing left for her to do was shake her body and hair to drip water in all directions around her. She was a pleasure to watch. What she did next was extraordinary. She reached for the diving board, and did a somersault, flipping in mid-air, landed like a professional diver, head following outstretched arms in a flawless splash free dive that was breath-taking. She was explaining to the young man how to dive!

I struck a conversation with this grand lady.

As it turned out, we had grossly underestimated her age. She was well over eighty- nearly ninety. She was traveling alone. She loved to swim. She was teaching the young man less than one fourth her age how to dive. And she loved the colour red.

And even more extraordinary was her background! She had had a heart valve replacement surgery, a gall bladder removal, a hysterectomy, cataract, a total hip replacement and even a varicose vein stripping. She was in her own words- brand new!!! She had had all the malfunctioning parts either removed or replaced, she laughed.

I hope that we are able to keep our enthusiasm for living and our love of life as alive as this lady.

I do not know her name, I know not her nationality. I do not even know if she is alive now- this encounter was way back in 1999/2000. I do know however, that she is not dead! She will never die!

As someone great has said- life is not a five star existence whereby you arrive well preserved in a dress suit to meet your maker. Rather it should be an exciting journey whereby you arrive skidding, with greased elbows and bruised knees, a happy smile on your face and say with a satisfied smile, " Phew! what a journey!"