Traffic traffic all around- not an inch to move

Traffic traffic all around- not an inch to move, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Where did my post go????

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

I wrote in a flow I had not felt in ages...
I filled out words as if they were being spoken by some hovering over my head. I am sure I saw the green tick mark that signifies that my post is on my blogger page. And I tried going back to it... All I encountered was a blank page! I can wait and see if the post really did get lost somewhere in the cyber depths and will never see the light of the day... Or will it appear on my blog- unbidden and as if by magic?

I will have to. Carefully post this one and see if it really appears, or does this too make the disappearing ac!

I may not be able to pour out all that happened in the last few minutes with my fingers flying on the keypad to catch my thoughts... Those thoughts are at large- they are either far far away- never to be caught again- or will show up where they are supposed to be!

How I wish I had a back up copy! Sigh!!

Sometimes, just when you feel everything is perfect, God spills the milk everywhere! And many a times, when you feel nothing is going right, he throws smiles and angels in your path. He sure likes to play!!

What game is He playing now?

All I want is to catch those words- once more... Will I?

Where am I going!

, originally uploaded by naturewalker.

Watching the road ahead of my car, I felt as if I was driving into the Unknown... I could not see far ahead, and had to trust the faith that the road leads where I want to go.

More importantly, however, I was watching my mindscape...
"That car is going too fast for this fog", I thought. Suddenly, at the next traffic junction, taking out my mobile phone, my mind said "Pranaam" and hit the send button. the next thought I was aware of -"Wow! The air that is bathing my feet under the dashboard is COLD cold." I turned up the heating and relaxed somewhat. And then I caught the next one! "Am I getting late?" I looked at the clock on the dashboard- relaxed again. So many poeople on the road are going too fast for the weather conditions prevailing that it appears somewhat unsafe.

They are all running... So are my thoughts... Red Light- Stop. Green now- start again.

The more you try to slow down, the more you find yourself hurtling through the space time you inhabit and more you realise the futility for the imperative prevailing and dominating our lives each minute we live. You also, nevertheless observe more. You catch more of the moments that seem to otherwise slip into the infinite eternal. And you realise howmindless the running and speeding is. You start to observe the pauses- teh moments BETWEEN the breath and teh moments BETWEEN the thoughts, the moments of apparent nothingness.

The mind begins to launch its own new thought on a new trajectory! But before this thought starts- you have the moment when you CAN catch yourself and anticipate- sometimes with a child like glee- Aah! here comes the next thought.

It is like observing my children waitiing at teh Metro station- you hear the train coming, then you also begin to see the leading head light, but teh train is still eluding the visual contact... And when it becomes visible, the child's face lights up. The smile is pure awareness- totally focussed on the approaching train. And the awareness of THE moment between thoughts, between breaths, between the two trains- can be caught. it does need attention. But it can be caught.

The more you try to slow down, the more you realise the truth behind the statement of how fast the thoughts do travel. Perhaps it is enough to simply recognise the train of thoughts; perhaps it is enough to slow it down just enought to be able to separate them into distinct thoughts- not haze surrounding several of them running into each other without a beginning and with no end. Perhaps if we do manage to slow it down to THIS awareness, we can catch the pauses and make them longer.

The Markandeya Puran talks of the quality of life being decided by the distance between stimulus and response. The longer this distance the better the quality of life is. Longer we are able to sustain this slowin down, the more contentment we find in our life. And yet, we area ll running to catch our own tails. Little do we realise that it is not possible to run forward at breakneck speed and try to catch what is behind us.

We also forget that life is simply a collection of moments- several of them, in fact. And these moments simply fall away into the sea that we have immersed ourselves in. they merge into the whole that makes it impossible to separate and appreciate any one of them. The more the moments we can hold as distinct instants, the richer our experience in life.

We forget that we are here for an experience- the experience that enriches us- moment by moment. we keep rushing into life losing sight of teh fact that we are actually rushing out of it! We are but insignificant dots in the scheme of things- but whose scheme? And what things??

The dog, too runs after each car that races past it. What is he going to do if he does manage to catch teh car? What does he want? Consciousness is the miracle that, for all practical intents and purposes, is uniquely a human trait. Are we not triviliasiing our existense as humans by letting the consciousness slip into a raciing haze rather than teh calrity of stillness? Stillness may not be possible- because teh whole Universe is speeding and so are we with it... but our experience can be slowed down to levels of gentle appreciation and moments...

In the end- what matters is not how long we lived but how deep; not how many instances made up our life but how many we managed to hold; not how much we took but how much we were able to happly give away.

Walking with faith makes it possible to keep walking- even in dense fog.

Walking with those you love makes it possible to hold more moments we want to cherish.

When you cannot... you must!

There are times when the whole world seems to come crashing down on you, or me, or someone!

And we feel like we just cannot take another breath without feeling the pain. We feel
so weary that we cannot place even one foot in front of the other. Walk? Not possible.
We absolutely must sit down.We must catch our breath. Or even simply drift off to sleep- in the desperate hope that things will have transformed while we sleep. Or we will have regained at the least some strength to go on walking. These times can come as we walk in life, or on that mountain trail. They may be proverbial or real.

You know you CANNOT go on... but you do.

When you feel that you cannot even stand, you must make that effort to just take one step... and then one more... And you have told your brain that you could do more than what the brain thought was possible. You 'confuse' the wits out of that consciousness that tells you "no more".

It is the first step which is the most difficult, the heaviest and the one that you are the most aware of. Then, you have taken the step. You lifted your foot and had it hanging in the air for those few moments, not knowing whether it would come down on its own under the pull of gravity or would be under the control of the will you seem to have lost.

That moment is the moment of pure awareness. It is the moment of being totally in the moment- NOW. It allows you to experience extreme vulnerability, and sheer curiosity- what will happen next...

It beats all meditation, all mental training, all physical prowess. Because this moment brings you sharply in focus to the ability of this machine to go on despite the odds, in fact- in spite of them. The body and the mind go on- much more and much better in the face of absolute agony and sheer pain.

And the moment the foot touches the asphalt- you know the victory is in your grasp. You still need to reach out and hold it. And to hold it, you must first reach out with an open palm- supplication to whoever watches from above.

Then, slowly, ever so slowly, the exhaustion gives way to exhileration. And the feeling that nothing is unbeatable- not us, nor the adversity. We could not be beaten by the adversity, and the adversity could as easily have taken us.

The last year has been one of several such moments...
When that one step seemed impossible...
When the breath came in gasps...
When the pain and the agony had become the definition of life...
When each moment was a moment of testing and trying..,

And each time, I remembered my father's words- when you cannot take that ONE step- take THAT one step. AND then take another. And then count in tens to yourself. Keep small targets. With each achieved end, you have a new beginning. You can leave everything behind. It does not matter. Because this is a beginning of the new ten steps. We often walked as young children kilometer after kilometer of ten steps, and ten more and then ten more.

That really is the secret to living through the difficult times, too, is it not?

It is when you just cannot- that you MUST!